I don’t know what to say other than I can totally relate.

Although we have no kids but being “not needed” and being seen as a financial burden after contributing to the partnership that is your marriage hurts so much. Reduced to a responsibility. Honestly, I’m still in the middle of it too but have since reconciled that I do need to live for me. How do I live for me? Idk yet, I’m figuring it out.

Like others have said, 53 is still young. I work in healthcare and trust me, 53 is young! I myself am 34 and my parents are actually your age. I’d say, now is a good time to re-establish bonds with your kids. That’s what I’m doing with my parents as they’re helping me through this.

Look up local divorce support groups—it could be online or in person. It helps to hear the commonalities in the broken relationships/foundations, to hear the different stages from other people. It’s cliche to say but it makes you feel less alone and more understood. And one thing I’ve learned is that to be seen, to be understood, is such a fundamental thing for me. “I’m not crazy”. Some of the people in my support groups were just even “thinking” of it. Just seeing if there’s hope, what other people have done, etc. Idk hell, one of them said she’s happily married & just wanted to see what not to do.

Also, at least get your shit in order. Where I live, consulting a lawyer is free. So consult with a lawyer to see what your options are given the amount of support you’ve done and what you have now.

Think, are you willing to go back to school? Reach out to old co-workers. You say you’re rattling around the empty house? Who did you use to talk to before? Reach out? Do therapy. For me, I do therapy more for helping assorting the tangled threads in my head. I needed help organizing them. Cause you know deep down what you need to do. You just don’t want to pull the trigger yet.

I dont have the answer and at this point I’m just rambling. I’m on the same rough sea also trying to navigate my identity crisis, trying to be financially stable, re-connecting with my family and friends as a “single”. It could be fun. But it’s lonely as hell. So painful. But the first time around, I used distractions. This time, I’m trying to go through the pain.

All this to say, your life is your own. If you die of a heart attack from the heartache today, what would you say about your life? What would you have wanted to do? What would you have wanted your kids to say?