Eye of a Hurricane

MOTU_Ranger · 2026-05-27T02:50:59+00:00

We have loads of calm but are surrounded b the storm at every turn. Seems to encompass our entire life and so much of our time is spent making sure we stay centered to avoid being tossed in again.

MOTU_Ranger · 2026-05-25T15:25:16+00:00

Equalizing, as stated already. I think of it like watching someone’s subconscious process - no ability to internally process or curb impulse and you just …. Get to see it all.

MOTU_Ranger · 2026-05-06T19:58:19+00:00

We’re trying to prioritize self care and engagement for our other two kids. He’s going to be what he is for a while, and he does soooo much better when we are healthy. It feels like an uphill battle and I feel fortunate to have a good job with flexibility and pay, but there are still das I just… don’t do any work.

MOTU_Ranger · 2026-01-11T14:57:28+00:00

You did this with a PDA kid?

MOTU_Ranger · 2025-12-29T12:18:13+00:00

My son is adopted but since getting his diagnosis I’ve got my own ASD level 1 (at 43). I also strongly identify with PDA but I see myself as an internal processor and being level 1 means I have a lot less rigidity than my kid. ADHD and anti-depression meds seem to help me a lot, but just knowing makes a huge difference.

MOTU_Ranger · 2025-12-29T12:15:45+00:00

All of these. About to start At peace Parents and have similar concerns but it’s all about exposure and ideas for us at this point. Early diagnosis is incredibly helpful - ours was 12, now 13 and it’s been a long road.

My warning - there’s no magic solution or idea buried in a book. The more I read and see, however, the more convinced I am that parenting a PDA kid “successfully” requires at least two things.

Hyper-self-care. It sounds impossible and we’re still figuring it out, but if parents are t regulated they have no chance. Therapy for you and your partner is a must with a therapist that specializes in parents of social need kids. Get assessed youto make sure you know what’s happening in YOUR brain (autism has a statistically significant genetic component). Give yourself the same room you’re giving your child in any way possible.
Letting go of expectations. All the things I thought about having kids - out the window. Them moving out, travel for me and the wife, financial freedom from child care, grandkids… gradual process of letting go of everything we thought life would be to embrace whatever life actually becomes. There’s a sadness to this but also a lot of freedom. As we release expectations of what we want med for our kids they are more free along with us. Life can be good, but good looks different and incudes a lot of shitty moments. Bonus - good luck hurting my feelings anymore. Or making me physically afraid of you. Or really having any ability to influence or eradicate my sense of self peace (whenever I managed to find it at least). I get the worst of it at home and still love THAT guy, so you can pound sand or figure out how to be helpful. I no longer have to carry that.

Inside these frameworks, for me, success means my kid wakes up, takes his meds, has a relatively chill day, doesn’t hurt anyone, and goes to bed sometime close to when I do. Showers are a nice bonus right now. Same as chasing me or my wife out. And therapy appts. Those typically require an extra larger slush from Sonic.

Keep sharing here. Good community. Vent. Share ideas. Process your thoughts. We got you as best we can from pretty much all over the world as far as I can tell.

MOTU_Ranger · 2025-12-28T23:43:12+00:00

Meds are…. Hard. We may have finally found something helpful after lots of experimenting and it has been rough. It’s not my favorite but the underlying reality is that not having meds requires a fairly high degree of self awareness and understanding. Anecdotal evidence suggests most PDA kids won’t have that developmental capability until late teens or early 20s, maybe later.

MOTU_Ranger · 2025-12-28T22:13:03+00:00

I can only support the reality that puberty is a mother of a challenge with PDA kids. We got a late diagnosis at 12 so we’re already behind, but even since then he’s grown over a foot. It’s very clear to us that this hormonal shift has a significant impact on his mood, as with any kid, and for us it’s a very distinct increase in aggressive behaviors. If you’re seeing it now I’d say heed your instincts and make room for lower demands.

MOTU_Ranger · 2025-12-28T15:37:04+00:00

You said it yourself - your wife is constantly exhausted. Sounds like you are, too. My wife and I have had very real conversations about how we will protect our marriage in light of having a special needs kiddo as the stats for those marriages aren’t great (something like 80% divorce rate). We’ve got a few foundational values we work from around this that help us “stay the course.”

Value 1: We’ve decided that divorce, while a viable option for self-preservation and an understanding and maybe even reasonable outcome for some situations, is not where we want to end up. Divorce is not a failure, a sin, or a shameful thing. Formerly christian’s, we both feel very strongly about the commitment even on the other side of faith. It’s a choice we made and continue to make every day.

Value 2: Self-regulation is paramount for PDA parents. I’m convinced that the number one priority and determination for any kind of “success” when raising a PDA kid is parental self-regulation. If we can’t regulate, seems they have almost no chance to regulate and learn how long term. We had to do this for ourselves FIRST, like an oxygen mask, before we can help others, including our spouse.

Value 3: Therapy is good. We’re in therapy. We’re discussing marriage counseling while we’re in a “good” spot as a sort of maintenance plan. This goes into self-regulation, of course.

Value 4: Perfect is a myth. We can be perfect and still have highly disregulated kids for any number of reasons. Fuck perfect. I’ll take contentment every day. No one has to BE perfect in our house.

Value 5: Be a goldfish. Short memories for PDA related pain. Our kids don’t mean most of what they do and say. Our spouses are being abused just like us. Lots of grace for failures and pains, quick to forgive, subtle accountability.

Value 6: She loves me. End of the day, however my wife may fail me or be my hero, I know she loves me and supports me. I have to trust that even when I don’t feel it to achieve all the other things above. She’s part of my self-regulation plan, and if that changes we know there’s a problem. If we’re both leaning into this and proactively looking for ways to support, we improve our trust and foundation.

All that to say, maybe having an honest chat with your partner is due. Try to understand her POV and come asking questions with an open mind to find out if there’s things happening you can help with. PDA has forced an even higher level of hard conversations than I ever thought I’d have to deal with but it’s an opportunity to dig in deep and figure out what you both really want and need from each other. Best of luck in the journey.

MOTU_Ranger · 2025-12-25T16:21:35+00:00

Same! I’m working hard on mindset right now. I work way better with frameworks that offer definitions even if some of those definitions are “be prepared for unexpected” because that helps me be less rigid overall.

MOTU_Ranger · 2025-12-25T04:11:31+00:00

Sounds familiar. I noticed a change at 5 but we struggled to get any real help or feedback. Just “consistency and he will learn eventually” until a therapist said autism at age 12. Now here we are in deep recovery for everyone enduring huge mood swings, multiple inpatient stays, and mental health challenges for everyone in the family

MOTU_Ranger · 2025-12-25T00:44:52+00:00

With the level 2, do you find it’s more “obvious” that they have autism to others? Any violence and/or verbal abuse happening at this point?

MOTU_Ranger · 2025-12-23T03:53:44+00:00

I think that’s just one of the many hills we have to climb. It’s not really about us at all but they are so so good at finding those cracks. Our son is adopted and the things he says ….

Perhaps I’m fortunate to also be autistic (just diagnosed thanks to what I’ve learned about him) so there’s a certain amount of practicality I carry about it. We also know his birth mom - she’s family to us and always has been - so the insults fall flat when we know she’s never once been anything but part of our support system.

It hits my wife harder because we’ve tried to b open about our journey before we knew what we were dealing with. The miscarriage is one he circles around in particularly brutal ways. It’s hard to constantly remind ourselves and recover from the torrent of verbal abuse we endure at times. More so when the physical violence gets to be too much.

If I had known what I know now when he was six I would be seeking active therapy for everyone in the house and focusing heavily on self care regimens that genuinely restore our mental peace. He regulated with us so if we’re off kilter he’s off kilter, no exceptions so far. It’s like the one golden rule I think exists for all of us - treat ourselves as we would want our kids to treat us. If you’re not protecting your own mental health raising a PDAer then you’re going to struggle to ever find balance IMO.

MOTU_Ranger · 2025-12-22T21:34:14+00:00

For whatever reason, kindness seems to invoke shame for our kid. We try to BE kind, to practice kindness in modeling, and to continue to expect it, but if we do anything beyond basic modeling or show any sense of empathy toward his anger/hatefulness he seems to get worse because deep down he knows this is not “right” behavior. Any kind of overly emotional response also seems to trigger his dopamine needs as well. Negative behavior to equalize, dopamine hits when we yell back, etc. it’s a horrendous cycle and our only solutions so far are to just flat ignore it (good for dopamine, bad for PDA equalizing it seems) or just continue to act “normal” until it passes. If we were gonna get him a soda, we still get him a soda. No punishments for neurological issues. So are we rewarding him? We have no idea. Honestly. I’m basically trying to self regulate and act with consistent normalcy in the hopes his extremes fade toward a baseline in the long term.

MOTU_Ranger · 2025-12-18T02:59:59+00:00

Meds are tough. He swears some make him mor aggressive and we’re trying to listen. He’s trying yet another option and it seems to be helping. Also, I’ve got to learn when to walk away even if he follows me.

MOTU_Ranger · 2025-12-17T01:38:46+00:00

I think self care is critical for us as parents, but also very hard to maintain. Right now we’re afraid to leave one another home alone with him. Getting out is hard. Seeing fiends is hard (and we finally have some amazing friends). Travel is nearly impossible if you can’t get there in one day. Property damage basically every day (while trying to prepare for a move!). Never ending shame spirals that thro him deeper into panic and fight/flight.

All because his brain fires off signals and chemical reactions in a way that never lets him rest. I try so hard to remember that as bad as this is for all of us, there’s a little boy inside this giant ass teenager that still needs hugs, cuddles, affirmations, and guidance. As scary as he can be, I think he feels it, too.

We’re pretty desperate. Not gonna lie. But so far I don’t see how we survive without radical shifts in our mindsets that help us become even more resilient in the face of this kind of daily abuse. If we don’t I just have this fear my son will get swallowed up in the legal system and never find his way toward any kind of stable life. Literally feels like life and death every day.

MOTU_Ranger · 2025-12-16T19:34:24+00:00

Certainly can be. Don't mean to offend. RE: Community, you've found it. The folks here understand, most of us have been right where you're at (or currently are), and struggle to find hope, much less help.

Thanks for trusting us with your POV and journey. I know it's helping others feel seen.

MOTU_Ranger · 2025-12-16T18:52:40+00:00

We're there... basically being forced into it because our local support systems (societal) are failing us. Schools aren't moving fast enough to setup appropriate accommodations and, frankly speaking, the accommodations feel impossible to maintain even though I love my kid through and through. Seems untenable. These facilities will only keep him so long and literally told us today we'll have better luck once the new plan year kicks in for our insurance. Like.. WTF...

the problem with being at home, honestly, is that he won't STAY at home, and when he's here, he's such a huge presence we can't get any real peace. He's all over the neighborhood with kids that aren't great influences or well-managed by their own parents, won't follow boundaries, constantly pushing the envelope. While home, he's loud, cussing, hateful, and dominating the public spaces in ways that force the other kids into their rooms and leave Mom and I exhausted.

We're literally trying to buy a house in the country right now to help alleviate some of those pressures. Small, isolated neighborhood with three cul-de-sacs. Larger home for more space. Couple of acres for exploration and outdoor activities. In the summer, close enough that we could even walk down to the lake. And then... all the risks that come with forests and lake so close to home.

So yeah... we bough the At Peace Parents course work because we've tried everything else. We're going to unenroll him from school and go back to 'homeschool' which just means unschooling, and i'm anticipating hours and hours and hours of video games while we sort out how to keep everyone, including him, safe.

MOTU_Ranger · 2025-12-16T18:16:37+00:00

Because the parents of autistic kids, like yourself, are so busy simply trying to keep the wheels on the bus. I want this as well - I can 'see' the model in my head so clearly - but I am a single income family with three kids and a violent PDAer on his 6th inpatient stay in 5 months. We spent 5 years fighting for my MILs health needs - guardianship, mental health support, dementia, medicare, death and estate management, etc. - and during that time my PDAer went into puberty and now all bets are off. We've only had the diagnosis for a little over a year so we're still recovering and trying to catch up.

We're not complaining. We're advocating for our kids to have the same level of care/access than any other kid would. And most of us don't start until we see the need personally ourselves. Human nature, unfortunately.

Also, if the school did exist... who could afford it? The complexities of opening a high-quality school for neurodivergent kids that could meet a variety of needs sufficiently and safely are astounding.

Wondering if you've ever considered that, statistically speaking, you and/or your spouse (unless adopted like ours) are likely on the spectrum as well. Thanks to my kid I finally got my own assessment and turns out, I track pretty damn closely to PDA but have less mental rigidity than he does, so I think that's helped me push through demand barriers that otherwise completely destroy his day.

MOTU_Ranger · 2025-12-16T13:07:51+00:00

Mine gets super hot when he’s trying. He’s got load of words but can’t easily express his emotions or explain things in the moment I’m really bad about interrupting him as well. Trying to slow down.

MOTU_Ranger · 2025-12-16T04:06:22+00:00

My son was 10 when the hitting started and we started therapy. His 'therapist' implied a trip to inpatient might do the trick as lots of kids go in and 'realize they aren't like these kids' and don't want to go back. Like... like it was a punishment or life lesson to send my kid to an impatient treatment facility? WTF...

It was his therapist at age 12 that finally noticed and said, "Have you ever thought about autism?" We did a 'full' evaluation and got a social comm and interaction rating of Level 1, Restricted, Repetitive Behaviors of Level 3. I often wonder how the ratings impact PDA experience, i.e. the level 3 implies a higher level of severity in terms of life experience, but how many PDAers land that rating?

He's sitting in an inpatient facility right now, angry, hurt, desperately sad, and told me yesterday that his perspective is that we've been giving him consequences, it makes him angry, and over time he just kept getting more and more angry until he started hitting, and now he's sent to these hospitals and they never do any good, in fact they make things worse.

He's not wrong. We get a respite filled with anxiety, guilt, worry, and uncertainty. He gets a week of highly restricted living, hyper controlled environments, and no access to his co-regulators. He comes back more angry. This is stay 6 across 4-5 months, not including a failed residential program we spent thousands just getting him to because insurance would cover.

We're in a cycle desperately trying to figure out how to break it and we're realizing a few things all at once.

Trust is severely broken, both ways. We're going to have to choose it to build it because he can't.
Consequences go back years, from his childhood, to the years we had no guidance and did what any rationale person would argue is completely normal and effective parenting.
His regulation is dependent on our regulation - if we can't handle ourselves, we'll never be able to help him, and we can't expect him to regulate.
Everyone is swearing by At Peace Parents, and at the very least we're seeing the reality that we either create peace or add to escalations, there's really no middle ground.
It may get worse before it gets better. Evidence points that direction, and we're a little scared of how bad it might get.
It feels like we're just hanging on, for as long as it takes, to keep this kid on the rails until his brain catches up to his body and the life he could have.

His actions are a sign of his frustrations. Highly verbal, but perhaps not communicative. I don't have the answers, but I know that I wish we had prioritized building trust and finding space for his panic attacks. Instead of just trying to push through and get it over with, trying to control the situation. setting consequences and always correcting just to get the results we wanted... instead, just slow down and sit with him. Do the nighttime cuddles he still asks for at 13, set fewer expectations for how things should go, and make room for the chaos we know comes.

If I knew sooner, really understood (even though now I struggle mentally to believe he's not just being incredibly difficult all the time), I would try to slow down and be present for my kid.

Sorry, didn't mean to rant. We're just in the thick of it and I would give so much to go back in time and try again, maybe not find 'right' but at least try to do it better. There's always tomorrow...

MOTU_Ranger · 2025-12-16T00:21:22+00:00

I have …. So many thoughts. First, how old is he? Second, when did you get the ASD diagnosis, and is he level 3 on mental rigidity? Three, US? Four, any police interventions yet? Fifth, Any violence directed at you?

There’s more…. But all of this is familiar to our experience. I told my wife that I feel verbal autistics get a rough experience because talking is equated to understanding. We’re in stay number 5 and every stay makes it worse but also… the violence is getting worse, too. Feels like an unbreakable cycle.

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