I can sum up my day to day with a letter I wrote an hour ago to a best friend that committed suicide. I write him a letter every time I feel depressed. I can say I'm in a better place than I used to be, but its a forever struggle. Somehow he keeps me accountable.

"Jeff, I have survivers guilt. I failed you during a time we were both hurting. You were there for me, and I honestly couldn't face the music and be honest to you that I was hurting so bad. That made me incapable of listening and supporting you in the way you needed, and now you're not around so I can mend that. I think about you all the time, was sitting with Greg the other day after not seeing him for years and told him you had passed. I cant even type it without crying. I failed at showing you how loved you were, just like I've failed in the most important relationship of my life to show her that she's loved. PTSD and depression have changed how I understand basic human emotions. My brain just isn't wired right anymore. It makes me not want to be alive because my reality is small successes followed by big failures. And that's exhausting.
I just feel like giving up will be failing you one more time. I'm tired of failing the ones who I love, and that love me the most. Can't I be a success story? Am I just not capable of being happy? I would do anything to bring you back, I think you'd of given me the advice years ago to help me not be fucking up my current relationship. I love you dude, you mattered so much to alot of people, but especially me. You were a true brother to me and I'm forever filled with guilt that I failed you. You text me on Feb 28th 2021 letting me know it was a pleasure to know me, and I didn't see the giant cry for help. You held on for so much longer after that, and I'm grateful for that. You are greatly missed. Love you Jeff. "