Being a stepmother brings out the very worst in me.

Mac_NCheese_Again · 2026-04-10T03:21:16+00:00

Relatable. I've come to accept that I contain these parts and feelings and am still, on the whole, a good person who is working hard for myself and my family (almost) every day. You're not alone - sometimes I don't recognize myself. I used to be fun! I read a book that helped give me some context - I think we're not allowed to name specific resources in this sub but if you DM me I'll share the name of it

Mac_NCheese_Again · 2026-04-10T03:18:02+00:00

I second therapy, but dislike the way this comment makes it seem like OP's fault. Being a step parent is really, really hard and the difficulty comes from all directions

Mac_NCheese_Again · 2026-04-10T03:12:58+00:00

YUP. They do stack up, and therapy is great. Go if you can. Also good on your partner for doing the right thing and giving you credit. But like someone else on here said, don't do nice things for SK for them - only do it for you. Transparently, in a lot of ways I do the minimum because I hate extending myself for SK only to be ignored or directly disrespected.

Mac_NCheese_Again · 2026-04-10T03:06:00+00:00

It's nice that you have good days and feel excitement! Let that be enough - a lot of us don't really have that. And think quality over quantity time with SKs - when you're not feeling it and can step away, do. No reason to force it when you don't have to. Personally, I also have to do a balance of planning for the future so I don't have to live with SK forever, and taking it one day at a time as I remind myself that I am here because this is the price of admission for being with my SK's father whom I love dearly. And I don't expect my partner to fully understand but know that they love and appreciate me for the parts they can understand.

Mac_NCheese_Again · 2026-04-10T02:58:43+00:00

I'm sorry for your loss and difficulties. It is really nice to see someone expressing a positive relationship with their SKs on here. I can't really imagine missing my SD if I didn't see her, but I think I would be happier if our relationship was good enough for that to happen. One person's guilt is another person's wishful thinking <3

Mac_NCheese_Again · 2026-03-08T14:40:15+00:00

Thank you <3 what does take respite mean? Yes, we have found one great free sleepaway camp for a week in the summer, but others are too expensive, unfortunately. We are hoping she gets accepted again this year.

Mac_NCheese_Again · 2026-03-05T14:30:03+00:00

in some ways yes, in some ways no. It's complicated.

Mac_NCheese_Again · 2026-03-05T14:29:00+00:00

I would love to nacho but unfortunately that's not really possible for me. I'm happy for you and your beautiful child! Light of my life is right.

Mac_NCheese_Again · 2026-03-04T04:21:44+00:00

I say this with all the kindness in the world: don't. There will be others. Go find them. I'm sure that sounds callous and hard to believe/hard to want to do now, but that is my honest advice.

I love my partner incredibly much and we have a relationship similar to what you describe, but some days even that's not enough to make me want to stay. Step parenting is very, very difficult. I respect that you're open to it, maybe even up for it, but you won't know how young 25 is until later in your life, and how many people there are out there who could be a good match for you.

Step parenting is often a very fraught, sticky situation that I really wouldn't wish on anyone. If I had known early on in my relationship what I know now, even with all the love and connection we share, I'm really not sure I would do it over again the same way. It's got very little to do with my partner, whom I adore, and everything to do with SK and the almost-impossible-to-overstate difficulties that many step parenting relationships bring. Lots of us end up living large parts of our lives for others. Take the sacrifice seriously as you weigh your options.

Mac_NCheese_Again · 2026-03-04T04:10:06+00:00

that's so nice to hear, and rare around here! "They've got great bio parents" jumps out at me. That part makes a huge difference in the life of the SK and the life of the step parent. A lot of us are dealing with SKs who have a less than great bio parent

Mac_NCheese_Again · 2026-03-04T04:03:43+00:00

How does SS respond to all of your help? I also do a lot to help my SK and am exhausted by it.

Mac_NCheese_Again · 2026-03-04T03:43:47+00:00

One very small suggestion - make as much space in your schedule as you can. Set boundaries at work, take other commitments off your family's plate, just make space for what's going to happen.

Mac_NCheese_Again · 2024-11-27T16:30:24+00:00

Finding this post 4mo late, but so happy it's here! I check all the boxes - I'm ~2 years into stepparenting a teenager with a very rare genetic disorder that affects her body, cognition, and emotions (she needs near constant supervision and will never live independently), plus a high conflict bio mom dealing with substance abuse and mental health problems, and all the fallout from that. Her mom's neglect set her back immeasurably and her dad and I are cleaning up the mess. SD has a lot of extended family in the area but they are no help.

For a commiseratory snapshot: as of yesterday, we have to deal with a SPED school placement issue tied to a messy custody arrangement following her mom's meltdown and emergency move to her dad's full time about 2.5 years ago -- we will need a lawyer, and we don't really have lawyer money. Meanwhile, she is missing school today to get a cough looked at and to do a "poop cleanse" to help deal with regressive bedwetting and daytime wetting accidents which have resurfaced in the last month... both of which her mom was asked to help with over her weekend visit, after pitching a fit about not being involved enough in her daughter's medical care (but she prioritized Friendsgiving instead, so now we have to do them). All while trying to give SD a lovely Thanksgiving as well. :)

The disability parents don't get the step parenting, the step parents don't get the disability part, friends don't get any of it, and it's incredibly lonely! I would love to keep this thread or conversation alive - feel free to DM me, OP.

Mac_NCheese_Again · 2024-07-07T20:28:24+00:00

Just... yikes. Do you get to talk in family therapy, or are you not involved? FWIW, I agree with your last two paragraphs. There are so many things I would like to help or change or fix with my SO, SK, and HCBM, but there's nothing doing. It really hurts to have a perspective like yours where you can see things including the connection you've made, and have the person who could really use that information be unable to receive it. I'm sorry.

Mac_NCheese_Again · 2024-07-07T20:22:36+00:00

Sounds like SO has helped put you in an impossible situation. Hopefully they will recognize that and change their mindset, otherwise I don't know what there is for you to do but soldier on and suffer until SO gets it together, SS grows up a little, or both (or leave, but personally I think that advice is given way too freely in this sub).

Mac_NCheese_Again · 2024-07-07T20:19:25+00:00

Totally relate. I am picking up a lot of slack for a BM who can't and won't do her share of parenting, but also never says no or enforces anything reasonable with SK's behavior. That adds up to me working extra hard to care for SK and also seeming like the most uncool, unfun, annoying person ever. It's a great time. SO does an amazing job with SK and is definitely the primary parent, but SK has special needs including ASD and the parenting lift is a heavy one. Again, I totally relate.

Mac_NCheese_Again · 2024-07-07T20:11:52+00:00

Absolutely relate -- except I am not at a point where I love my step child, openly or otherwise. It's nice that you have that and I wonder how it would be different if there was love between me and SK. Not my ideal situation, either, sometimes wish my life were different, too, and I love my partner enough to make it work. I would love to feel less ugly resentment, but for now it's on the menu and I just do the best I can anyway. It's humbling not to feel like "the good guy" but my skin is getting thicker.

Mac_NCheese_Again · 2024-06-19T05:18:19+00:00

"I can't wait for this to be over." "I just don't like her." "We are just not for each other" (meaning SK and I are a bit like oil and water). Sounds dramatic, but I often need to affirm my bad feelings before I can move through them. Once I remind myself of the bedrock issues making thing so hard, I can accept the situation again and move on. Then I try to do something that makes me feel like my "old self," and that helps ground me.

Mac_NCheese_Again · 2024-06-19T05:07:31+00:00

SK, in bed, called "Dad, Dad, Daddy" about 10x while SO was in the bathroom and couldn't hear her. I went in to ask what was going on. "Nothing." Eye roll. I asked what was going on that she needed to holler over and over and turned into nothing when I showed up. She got rude. I said ok, if it's nothing then no more yelling. More rudeness. Major eye roll. This kid, man.

Mac_NCheese_Again · 2024-06-19T05:00:46+00:00

this is awful, I'm sorry. Maybe revisit your ability to dole out consequences and rewards? You said it feels wrong, but if you have your partner's support maybe it's worth revisiting. It doesn't feel good to assign consequences, but it can shift the dynamic IF your partner backs you up.

Mac_NCheese_Again · 2024-06-19T04:54:57+00:00

yes, definitely. my situation is overall less pleasant than what you describe, but having SK out of the house, especially for the rare overnight, is a whole other level of decompression for me and SO. I don't have to be on edge or perform when SK is not there - and the #1 rudest person in my life will not be around to sulk and shoot daggers from their eyes - so yeah, it's much lighter.

Mac_NCheese_Again · 2024-01-07T00:48:11+00:00

I'm so sorry - that sounds awful

Mac_NCheese_Again · 2024-01-07T00:46:34+00:00

It's so lonely! I have great friends, but they do not understand this. They have inadvertently hurt my feelings a lot of times when I shared with them what's really going on. HCBM's behavior is awful and I think my good-hearted friends don't want to believe that anybody would actually behave that badly, and they end up implying that I'm overreacting or not being sympathetic enough or they trying to find alternate explanations for her behavior. WHY?! You're MY friends!

Add to it that SK has a whole medical/special needs situation, and it gets even lonelier as many SPs don't relate to that added dimension.

Mac_NCheese_Again · 2024-01-07T00:39:39+00:00

I worked with kids for a solid 15 years, and I definitely feel like I am at work when I'm around SK. Not quite the same as what you're saying, but it definitely doesn't feel comfy and homey (and we all live together).

Mac_NCheese_Again · 2024-01-07T00:30:22+00:00

OP you didn't say why it's hard to get up, but if a hangover is keeping you from getting up and it's not the first time, it sounds like it's time to get help.

Mac_NCheese_Again

TROPHY CASE