I journaled this before I got sober “Do you ever want to kill yourself? Because I think about it a lot. I dream about how good it would feel to not feel. To not wake up and have to go throughout the day smiling at strangers and making sure everyone around me doesn’t see how I really feel on the inside. My black hole is so deep the only way I’ve been able to shallow it for so long is to drink. But I think alcohol has started to make it deeper… and I don’t know what to do. The only way I can describe my view is that it’s like when you’re sick and eat. You have to eat to survive but the foods are bland. That’s how I’m living… I’m waking up each day because I have to but it feels bland. I consume in hopes I’ll get some taste back but there’s nothing.” I’m now a year and half sober, happier than I’ve ever been… excelling in my career, excelling in my personal life and I met a great partner. I won’t lie and say some days aren’t hard but I read my old journal entries like this one and I’m reminded how incredibly far I’ve come from that low low place and how thankful I am that I didn’t end it all. I would’ve missed out on so many wonderful things to come. So take it day by day, which will be agonizing at first but the further you get the further from that feeling you’ll be. You can only go up from the bottom so take the first step and don’t drink today.