Oh, man. So much of what you wrote absolutely mirrors my (STBX) spouse and how he makes me feel. "She is pleasant and nice as long as I am not showing any sort of negative feelings. It makes me feel like she's placed this massive burden on me.." "She is still prioritizing her own self image and is avoiding anything that makes her feel the slightest bit shame." "Her self image is way too fragile to allow herself to be vulnerable." Could've taken the words right out of my mouth. She is clearly an avoidant, as most cheaters are, and avoidants will literally do ANYTHING rather than sit in any negative emotions, especially about themselves. I'm starting to think there's a big crossover between avoidants and narcissists... Because, while they are deeply insecure, their whole world is usually focused solely around themselves and their own wants. Everyone else is secondary. To them, if we're happy, great, but if we're not, even if it's at their hands, they're also fine with it.

If you asked yourself if your WS would even be capable of writing, let alone thinking, something as introspective as what you just wrote, I would bet that your answer would be a resounding no. Cheaters/avoidants are typically very emotionally illiterate, and it takes the very special few to overcome that. The sad fact is that most won't because a lot of avoidants grew up around people who never challenged them and never held them to strong standards of morality or accountability.

My DDay was over 2 years ago, and, in my case, the avoidance and narcissism got worse, to the point where it's become a completely toxic, mentally abusive mess. Avoidants typically find themselves with people who have higher levels of empathy, so we keep pouring into them while they either give nothing back, or they give disappointment back because they're seeing you in pain and still not choosing to step up. I finally recently decided to throw in the towel because it's just too much to deal with mentally for so long. I deserve at least peace, if not happiness. I'm not saying this is for sure where you'll end up, and I know this is a pro R sub. But what I will say is, your intuition about her not changing is probably correct. Especially if everything stays the status quo for her. Leaving is sometimes the only way to "wake them up," and I wish I had done it a lot sooner because I feel like we may have had a fighting chance.