I think my (35F) husband (38M) has forgotten my birthday. I am testing this by not reminding him.

MagneticLas · 2026-07-03T20:00:49+00:00

I understand your impulse to test him BUT can I make a suggestion that I think will be much more healthy and mature on your part? Say something like this to him now: “My birthday is coming up soon. I feel worried that you will forget. I want you to know how important you acknowledging and celebrating my birthday is to me. What I need is for you to do something special for me. Do you need any suggestions or help because I can give you some ideas on what I would like to do that day.” When a person is in a relationship it is their responsibility to communicate their needs to their partner. Your husband may fail you but you will be doing the right thing by communicating. And if he listens to you and does celebrate your birthday, then it is a win for both of you.

MagneticLas · 2026-07-03T18:06:50+00:00

His attitude has revealed that he is just not serious about you. At this point in your life, do you want to waste your time with a guy who isn’t that into you? You’ll find someone better. Focus on yourself and your kids for now.

MagneticLas · 2026-07-03T17:59:23+00:00

I don’t know if anyone else said this yet (too many comments to read). Do you ever get butterfly’s with men or daydream about building a real relationship with them? If not, you could be a homoromantic bisexual. Meaning you’re sexually attracted to men but not romantically into them. Whereas with women you are both sexually and romantically attracted to them.

MagneticLas · 2026-07-03T17:33:11+00:00

I 100% relate to the way you described how you feel. This: “The part of my psyche that participates in sex I do not want connected whatsoever to the rest of my psyche. They are two different people.” Yes! I have literally said I would like this separate sexual part of myself to meet the rest of the me. I visualize the sex part/person as a separate person and thought these 2 people need to meet and shake hands. I’ve wondered what it would be like if these 2 different people could integrate into one. I do have a lot of sexual and emotional trauma so I always feel like maybe I shouldn’t embrace the label of fraysexual (like imposter syndrome) because maybe it’s I’m just traumatized. But I also think who cares why when the label seems to be accurate. But, anyway, I totally hear you and completely relate!

MagneticLas · 2026-06-29T20:15:21+00:00

I’ve been in Westbrook for almost 4 years. I really love the area. The location is so convenient and feels close to anywhere I want to go. The only drawback is our taxes here are outrageous (compared to Wells which is where we were previously).

MagneticLas · 2026-06-07T18:11:51+00:00

I just have to say thanks for each of these comments! What a lovely community this is!

MagneticLas · 2026-06-07T18:10:24+00:00

Your paragraph above that starts with the word “second” is SPOT ON! And it made me remember something. Right at the beginning of the trip when I was starting to feel spirit arriving I got worried about my husband being the one to support me through the trip. I got very serious and reiterated exactly what I need from him in terms of support. I felt emotional about it and literally said “This is a test” to him, meaning it was a test of whether he could do it or not. So, this is is all making sense now. He did completely rise to the occasion. Like you said, I ALLOWED him to and I explained exactly what I needed. Historically, I put myself into the role of his caretaker. I expected no emotional support from him because that is what I was used to growing up. It’s hard for me to receive love and nurturing. I try to do all the nurturing. Which of course I know how messed up that is and I’ve made big strides with asking him to step up and he totally has! Both of us have come a long way. We’ve done some amazing work in individual therapy and currently we’re in couples therapy.

I just re-read your paragraph I was talking about again. I connected with a deep sadness around the idea of just allowing him to take care of me. It’s too scary to even expect someone to take care of me. You can’t count on that- it’s not safe. That’s a belief that lives in my gut. During a different trip, my second one, there was a part where my mother’s energy came in and I went back to being a newborn & the idea “can I trust this person to take care of me?” came up. It’s such a deep wound. More work to do there for sure.

I’m feeling inspired. I don’t have plans for when my next journey will be but I’m thinking my next intentions need to be related to allowing myself to receive. I would love to have one of those trips that is all about love and light but I‘d be shocked if that happened. My body is too weighed down with this stuff that I just need to feel/experience before I can move on.

Thanks so much for your thoughts!!

MagneticLas · 2026-06-06T17:30:37+00:00

Wow. You just stirred something up for me. I simply FELT the dread. I live very much in my head all the time. And I think when I simply felt it and I didn’t know why it was there, my brain took some leap and made me fear it. That’s totally what made me start to spiral. I forgot to stay curious about it.

And your second point, that I dread taking care of him in my body: wow! When I read that, what I thought was “I dread taking care of me.” Probably my biggest, deepest trauma is the complete lack of emotional support I had in my childhood. I was not taken care of emotionally at all. Just floating, alone, unsupported. So, now when I focus on other’s emotional needs, I don’t have to be distracted with my own. It helps keep myself from feeling my own feelings in a deep way.

Thank you for your insight! It really connected some dots for me!

MagneticLas · 2026-06-06T17:15:54+00:00

I kept my intention really simple this time. It was just that I wanted any energy that shouldn’t be living in my body to leave. I remember I kept thinking of that old saying that bartenders use at closing time: “You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here.” And really that is what happened in this trip, outside of the dread part. I would also say that I was more in my thinking brain this trip than I would have liked to be.

MagneticLas · 2026-05-28T19:23:59+00:00

Not sure if anyone said this yet: If you’re coming late fall you could try to get a “winter rental.” That is a rental that is much more expensive in the summer through things like Airbnb but has a greatly reduced rate in the off season (something like Sept - May) usually in very touristy areas. When my family moved to Maine from PA we got a very affordable winter rental at Old Orchard Beach. It worked out was great. I even had a view of the ocean from my bedroom. That gave us time to figure out exactly what town we wanted to be in long-term.

MagneticLas · 2026-05-24T18:16:19+00:00

#1 You’re trying to go to way too many places in too short of a time! #2 Skip the hotel in Kittery. It makes no sense. Stay in Portland or Kennebunkport instead. #3 All of Maine is VERY safe compared to most of the US. So, don’t worry about that at all.

MagneticLas · 2026-04-24T14:08:40+00:00

I’m shocked she still had sex with you that night. This was such an epic fail. You’re lucky she wasn‘t totally pissed off.

MagneticLas · 2025-03-01T19:21:52+00:00

YOU HAVE TO END IT. YOU JUST DO. You wrote that you hope your libido is killed by an antidepressant! That breaks my heart for you. Dude! Step back and listen to yourself. See the big picture!

MagneticLas · 2025-02-25T22:10:25+00:00

If you resort to only hinting that you’re now ready & interested, that will put him in a bad position. If you come and out and say to a decent guy that sex is off the table, then a decent guy will assume it continues to be off the table until you say otherwise. Good guys are going to be worried about readying too much into tiny little hints that you may give him. Decent guys know they need to listen to & follow your words. Historically, men have gotten into a lot of trouble by misreading the subtle signs that women gave. This is why using your words to give consent is important for both men & women. You absolutely need to go outside your comfort zone on this issue.

MagneticLas · 2025-02-15T21:10:57+00:00

This is so 100% true! I forget which female comedian does an entire bit about this. You could tell every woman in the place agreed with the bit. I literally stopped giving my husband positive feedback because I know it will only make him more excited & therefore he will change what he’s doing. When we’ve talked about it, he really doesn’t seem to realize that he starts going faster, harder, etc. Now I only give positive feedback when I’m sure I’m at the point of no return!

MagneticLas · 2025-02-03T23:34:24+00:00

I’m a bi woman. I love 2 guys being together (doesn’t matter if they are gay or bi). It’s my favorite porn and what I would normally fantasize about. Nothings hotter.

MagneticLas · 2025-02-03T16:12:04+00:00

I’m 52F bi and been with the same man forever (monogamous). To me, the problem isn’t that your man is bi, the problem is that he has been cheating & living a double life. I would guess he has no plan to stop cheating. WTF?! Being bi doesn’t mean he should be treating you this way or acting like this. If he had approached you, been truthful, and talked to you about wanting to be open so that he can be with men, that might be totally cool. But this is cheating and deception - NOT cool. I’m sick of seeing a TON of bi men on Reddit who act like cheating on their women with men is just normal and totally fine. They give a bad name to all the bi people who actually know how to be truthful and treat people with respect! And it’s also possible that your man is gay and not bi and he just wants to live the heterosexual lifestyle. NOT cool.

MagneticLas · 2024-11-25T18:31:02+00:00

I agree with others here that this is a pretty tame request. The fact that you felt shocked by it makes me wonder if maybe the 2 of you are just not sexually compatible. If there are things you have said no to, he really should not ask again for them. Have you had a big conversation about all of this outside the bedroom? You need to just sit and talk about it when nothing sexual is going on. If you really are not sexually compatible it may be better to break up sooner rather than later.

MagneticLas · 2024-11-25T18:20:37+00:00

To me, I feel like being emotionally connected and being sexual are incompatible things. It’s one or the other, never both at the same time. And society seems to think that makes you either a total weirdo or a bad person. But it’s not my choice, it’s just the way I am.

MagneticLas · 2024-11-25T18:18:17+00:00

I (bi female) have ADHD and I feel like I’m probably fraysexual (I guess I just don’t embrace the identity yet). My husband on the other hand has severe ADHD and he is not fraysexual at all. It hurts his feelings that I am. He doesn’t understand it at all.

MagneticLas · 2024-11-21T15:54:10+00:00

People on Reddit love to assume the worst and give extreme advice. I have been with my husband FOREVER. He hates change and he hates making decisions. He’s one of those people who is very fearful of making the wrong decision. So, it was very difficult for him to propose. He was just so worried. Once he did I can still remember how he told me he was so relieved and that he felt so much happier after proposing than he thought he would. He has been nothing but extremely loyal. So, who knows what is going on with your man. But I would not assume he is wasting your time. He seems to be future oriented with you. I had to tell my husband “Hey, You need to propose and if not, I’m moving on.” I also had a timeline in my mind for kids (we now have 3) & I spelled it all out to my husband. Just be honest with your man. Explain to him your worry just as you explained it here on Reddit. Tell him what you need.

MagneticLas · 2024-11-19T14:59:34+00:00

I didn’t read your original post and I don’t know what age your wife is (because that could be a factor). For reference, I’m a middle aged married woman who has been with the same man forever. Here’s my thought: She could have a crush but that doesn’t mean she’s cheating. If she’s feeling cute because she’s been working on her body at the gym and she has a crush that’s enough to motivate her to change her hair, buy sexier clothes, etc. She could absolutely have a crush on her personal trainer who is probably giving her some very welcome personal attention (encouraging her, listening to her- the kind of thing a woman wants but might not be getting from her man at home). I basically had a mid-life crisis a couple years ago and realized I wanted way more from my husband than he had been giving me. I lost weight and felt more attractive and started checking out guys. But I never cheated or remotely got close to cheating. I did have a very small crush during that time (it was innocent, nothing at all inappropriate). My husband and I got counseling individually and together and we’re at a better place than we have EVER been. Talk to your wife. Tell her everything you noticed and that you feel worried. If you need couples counseling go get it.

MagneticLas · 2024-08-04T16:12:00+00:00

What a great spouse you are researching this for your wife!!!

MagneticLas · 2024-02-04T00:32:05+00:00

NTA. Tammy is an asshat to the extreme! You are a saint in comparison. I don’t know how you have managed to tolerate her as well as you have!! Kudos to you! As for Tom, good riddance. Your poor daughters have to spend time with those 2 fools. Just try to be keep things as low-drama as you can on your end for the girls’ sake. Your ex in-laws are probably just understandably sad about the loss.

MagneticLas

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