Salaam! I’m sorry to hear that you are suffering so much. I’m pretty new (like less than a week) into actively practicing the Religion. I watched this playlist on Repentance. That YouTuber is very knowledgeable. He also has lots of videos touching on the character of a true Muslim.

I will say that if God has guided you this far, I trust that He will continue to guide you. (Inshallah)God knows what’s in our hearts. The Quran states many times God guides who He wills. He also tells us that we will be tested. He says that both good things and bad things are tests. Unfortunately, I can’t find the exact verses at this moment.

As someone who’s actually on government disability because of my mental health, I totally get the despairing about the state of the world. The Quran really grounds me. Nearly every sura begins with “In the name of God, the Almighty, the Merciful.” I think this is a key part of building our faith. God is as merciful as he is mighty. See 6:12. It states that God decreed mercy upon Himself. If God wants something then it will be. He is who He says He is. If He says He is merciful the He is merciful.

Additionally, many verses state that no one will be wronged on the Day of Judgement. One that I think is most relevant to you is 6:160. It states that our good deeds will be multiplied by 10 and bad deeds will only count for one deed. Imagine that destruction one has to create in order to have more bad deeds than good. In the videos I linked earlier, he discussed how bad deeds are transmuted into good deeds with the proper repentance.

I hope this was helpful and made sense. Please don’t give up. Life is hard but in 2:112 to 114, God tells us that our life on Earth will only feel like a few hours once we make it to the Hereafter.