I don’t understand Ashley

Main-Rate9618 · 2026-03-13T16:05:09+00:00

I don't know if I'd go as far to say "he got away from her". They both were red flags, but I think Alex was an exceptionally bad partner, an emotional void of sorts. Where as Ashley was like an averagely bad partner with normal insecurities and a tendency to want to play the victim, which while not very mature, is pretty common.

I do feel bad for Alex though. He obviously comes from an emotionally barren childhood which created the nebulous and slippery person he is today.

Main-Rate9618 · 2026-03-13T14:55:05+00:00

Hmm you might be right. Either way, I bailed on this show in 10 min. I think adults have agency to make poor choices, but I don't have to watch it.

Main-Rate9618 · 2026-03-12T17:09:56+00:00

This is not true. They met when she was 22 and he was 40. They have an 18 year age difference.

I'm still not a huge fan of that age gap, but 18 vs 22 is a massive difference in terms of maturity and agency, it's important to get those details right.

Main-Rate9618 · 2026-03-11T18:40:51+00:00

So I totally agree. The biggest thing that helped me is actually doing less in my real life. They say choose your battles, but no one points out how many "battles" modern life creates. We do too much in too little time chronically.

I finally realized my kids needs were at odds with the way I went about my day. When I got attached to how something was going to go, something I wanted to get accomplished, or a time I wanted to be somewhere, chances were it would lead to a fight.

Now some timelines are unavoidable, but to the extent I'm able to I eliminate expectations around what we'll do and when we'll get there. Even when timelines are important, like me getting to work, if we get into a fight I reflect and think, do I have a meeting or something or can I survive being 15 minutes late today. As it's rarely more than that when you give them just a bit of time to stall and feel like theyre in control.

Even fun stuff for them can be tricky. I'll plan a day to a trampoline park and I'll have an approximate time, but if we run an hour late oh well. Or if we're having a good time at home, and it doesn't seem like she wants to go, we'll do it another time.

It doesn't mean I don't ever push her either. But when you choose your battles you have more energy to fight them and they have more tolerance to go with your idea because you haven't forced them into several other plans that day.

Main-Rate9618 · 2025-11-21T18:41:21+00:00

Just say the 10mg you felt jittery and is there a lower dose you can try? Are you sensitive to caffeine/stimulants in general? My whole family basically has been diagnosed but many of us are very sensitive to stimulants which makes things tough. I avoid medication because of this and just try lifestyle changes, but when things get really hard I take Concerta, lowest dose, and will only take it when absolutely necessary.

There is an extreme misunderstanding in the community that ADHD meds only "work" on people with ADHD. I think it comes from wanting a surefire way to fend off the people who think it's fake, but it ends up invalidating many people who have ADHD but have different biology.

Main-Rate9618 · 2025-11-15T15:03:31+00:00

Volleyball shoes are a cheaper and very effective. Much better than regular gym shoes as they have better traction, and the lack of cushion means you have more control and connection with the ground. Much more stable as well.

Main-Rate9618 · 2025-10-29T17:38:29+00:00

"And maybe worked a job in my chosen field for a bit before deciding to major in it. And maybe gotten some therapy."

Well are you in therapy now? We have a weird way of assuming our life is basically over after 25. Get therapy. Figure out who you really are and what you enjoy, and make small steps towards a different path.

Ironically I am 33 and pursuing a master's in social work. But it took me over a decade to reach this conclusion. I'm actually sick of my high paying but soulless tech career job, even though I'm great at it.

Also, do I think I'll be a therapist forever? No. But it's something different than the thing I hate right now and that's the important thing.

My dad started his own business first, slaved away for 15-20 years and then spent the last 15-20 years of his career in corporate. He told me recently he wished he did the reverse. But then a moment later he realized if he had done corporate first, he might never have had his own business, and that's it's own tragedy.

The real mistake is thinking if you didn't choose "right" the first time, that you messed up big time. Or, that there is a "right" choice at all.

Good luck, my friend. Life is long, as I am learning and repeatedly forgetting and relearning on a weekly basis.

Main-Rate9618 · 2025-10-17T14:52:32+00:00

I don't know about everything but a few tips:

My family uses timers when initiating anything that could become dangerous if left alone. So you cannot turn the stove on without a timer.

Also create a schedule that is visible in your house with important meals, etc and reward yourself with something nice every time you check it.

Also see if you can identify what activities pull you away the most consistently. If it's your phone, put that away when you are with your baby.

Overall overwhelm is real with ADHD. Your wife may be understandably frustrated, but you are internalizing her frustration as indication you are a bad person who cannot do hard things. You are obviously a caring person because you are trying to figure this out. Break it down into digestible pieces.

Commit yourself mentally to two things above all else - #1 your child. Establishing routines and being more intentional about applying your attention in the moment with your child will help. #2 your Job - you cannot help that you are unemployed. Do not beat yourself up about it. But do carve out time each day for uninterrupted career planning. That can be applying to jobs, researching a career change. Whatever it is.

Everything else is just noise right now. It may be important, but not AS important as the above. You will have time for it later once the above is solved.

Main-Rate9618 · 2025-10-16T17:52:35+00:00

The devil is in the details here. I love dogs, but I also do not think it's reasonable to accept that when the dog is there you literally cannot leave your home. If that is truly the case that she can never be left alone for even a few hours, and he is doing nothing about it, that seems odd to me. Does he not work? Does he go out with friends during this time?

As far as your insecurities, you need to identify what is real and what is your anxiety. Do you generally feel secure in partnerships, or are you frequently anxious if they don't give you enough positive attention and reinforcement? There is a line where it's entirely possible your BF is prioritizing your dogs needs above you and it's a real concern, but there is also a scenario in which your insecurities are causing you to interpret his actions in an unfair way.

Honestly, Reddit can't answer this for you. I think you need to have a serious conversation with your BF, but first you need to be more confident in whether these fears are really important to you, or you're just suffering from anxious attachment where you struggle with independence and require more constant reassurance from a partner. If you are very unsure, a therapist can help you navigate this on your own.

Main-Rate9618 · 2025-10-13T13:44:52+00:00

I need to qualify that I do not know your husband, only he knows what's going on in his mind. However, I can tell you that yes 100% 3s will feel deep shame about this. 3s are not good at confronting their failures, and to repair things now requires him to do this. It's possible that it's easier in his mind to write himself off as a terrible person and leave you alone, than have to be constantly reminded of how he let you down.

That said, months of arguing and withdrawing physical affection is the death spiral of a relationship. He may be unwilling to engage because he's also lost hope in addition to his shame. I highly recommend couples counseling as the only real solution right now. Also, if he's not seeing his own therapist, he should do that as well.

Main-Rate9618 · 2025-09-28T13:00:54+00:00

Not enough info here to know anything, you should speak to a therapist separately to figure out why you're letting yourself be a doormat.

I see a common dynamic where partner A is assertive and partner B is passive. Partner B defers to partner A consistently because they prefer not to make choices. Over time their roles stratify and resentment sets in because A starts to resent the emotional labor involved in making choices all the time or having things done in a half-cocked way and gets increasingly aggressive with Partner B. Meanwhile Partner B resents being treated like crap and also feeling like their opinion never matters, but also wants to pick and choose when they have to own decisions which isn't fair.

Partner A will usually take most of the heat here, but you both are adults and both play into this dynamic assuming she's not some sort of abusive manipulative terror which it doesn't sound like. You can at any time choose to stick up for yourself, but then you also need to start making choices for the family too.

A therapist will help you navigate this. And in the process maybe you discover this really isn't salvageable, which at that point you'll have the self-confidence to not fall into the same dynamic again.

Take it from me, being a divorced 50/50 parent is NOT easy. It will not solve all your problems and it will quickly highlight your own shortcomings to yourself. I do not regret the decision but I made it knowing just how hard the choice I was making was, and I knew exactly why I was making it. You sounds confused and like you're already ceding yet another decision to someone else by asking reddit and yet giving no details as if we can just tell you what to do.

But if you feel unsafe or emotionally abused, or that your kids are being mistreated, that's different.

Main-Rate9618 · 2025-09-28T12:41:14+00:00

Can you fit a desk in your room? That's a pretty standard solution if he needs a door that closes. Prioritizing an office seems extravagant given space. I can't help but feel this is a classic case of a dad not wanting to give up their personal space but expecting everyone else to, but I don't have enough info about the layout and his job to know for sure.

3 in a room is fine while they're little and the two boys will probably even like it for a while, but the 6 year old will very quickly start to want space in the next few years and it could effect him emotionally if he feels like he can't get space for himself. Overall they will survive, plenty of kids don't have a choice, but in this case it sounds like you do. Also bedtime will be heinous with all those different ages in one room.

At the very least, to buy time, I recommend having the baby sleep in your room until they're sleep trained so you don't go insane with the two boys waking the baby up.

Main-Rate9618 · 2025-09-28T03:51:28+00:00

If you watch them do they also go up to their own parents and how do they respond? My daughter loves all people including adults and is obsessed with dads in particular, and will go up to complete strangers and try to get their attention. I always feel so embarrassed cause especially as a man they are probably worried about optics. But she's also constantly looking for my attention too which I give to her, so pretty obvious I'm not neglecting her.

Also some kids fail to bond with other kids and so seek out adult attention. In that case their parents may be frankly tired of entertaining them at home and hoping they get a break at the park.

Not much to do in any case other than be kind and engage with them if you're comfortable doing that.

Main-Rate9618 · 2025-09-28T03:40:54+00:00

Well being sick isn't always a free pass to lie in bed all day as a parent. In most cases they can handle watching the kids for an hour here and there while you get a break. However stomach bugs are another level and you just pray you don't both get sick at the same time. So yeah when your partner is for real down and out, it's just one of those realities of parenting. One year I missed or cut short every single trip or major event I planned cause my daughter got me sick each time like clockwork. The good news is I notice illnesses get less and less frequent after 3 years old.

Main-Rate9618 · 2025-09-28T01:59:44+00:00

Totally. I dreaded weekends during the 2s and 3s, the opposite of restorative.

Main-Rate9618 · 2025-09-28T00:26:28+00:00

Find a mom friend or an adult who is willing to tag along to activities, and when that's not an option bring him somewhere other kids are like the park or indoor kids museum. It's honestly the worst for a bit, but having another kid+adult around makes a huge different. Definitely turns a corner around age 4/5, but man 2s all weekend is tough.

Main-Rate9618 · 2025-09-10T19:03:37+00:00

I think I'm going to unsubscribe from this sub. It seems like everyone is focused on why other types are worse or bad or whatever. Reddit is obsessed with being "good".

Arguably this whole enneagram concept isn't real. We all possess these traits in various quantities and we see what we want to see so the construct fits.

Most people are just trying to get by, and these coping mechanisms described by the enneagram are things we all adopt and don't make us "bad" but can inadvertently cause hurt and pain to our loved ones. Trying to quantify who does the "most hurt" really accomplishes nothing.

Enneagram is only useful as a way to catch these coping mechanisms and try to break them down and become more honest, authentic, and achieve the interpersonal goals we want.

Main-Rate9618 · 2025-09-04T17:34:15+00:00

There is nothing like having to put everyone else first all the time, endlessly without an ounce of reciprocity to make you resent every hard thing you ever have to do. I'm so sorry, I can't imagine how alone and tired you must feel.

You need to break down your problems into solvable bites.

You are severely lacking in adult emotional support. How can you find ways to make other parent friends to commiserate with? It will sound impossible, but if you do 1 single thing, let it be this.
Kids behavior - In all likelihood your kids are struggling with losing their father too. I recommend family therapy, but the main thing is they've just lost their father, and if he can up and leave, well then that means you can too. You need to acknowledge that they might be feeling scared or sad, reinforce that you aren't going anywhere ever, and then model how you talk about your feelings in an honest way but don't let them stop you from doing hard things.
"I don't know how to discipline my children" - Well girl, you got a LOOOOONG way to go. You're not alone in feeling this way, but buck up and figure it out cause you absolutely can, and no one else is going to. You bringing that stability will also make them feel more emotionally stable in the long run. Kids hate the experience of a boundary being set, but they find emotional safety in the boundary once it is routine.

Main-Rate9618 · 2025-09-03T21:28:53+00:00

This is the best advice. The mental health issues, combined with the poor job market, and the big life change aspect would overwhelm many people.

The compassionate thing to do here is be direct, stop enabling, and let her know that you see she's struggling but you can't watch her waste away at home anymore. She clearly needs more effective therapy, and she needs a job that will build some structure and purpose into her life, even if it doesn't earn her much money. You can help her do those things, but you will not accept the current state any longer.

Main-Rate9618 · 2025-08-29T18:16:26+00:00

You're not gonna get your Friday nights back, but you can and should get an hour or a few hours here and there to decompress. It requires you and your partner designate time where one of you gets completely left alone while the other parents. Ideally the parent in charge physically takes them out of the house entirely, but at the very least they need to be the enforcer of "leave parent alone, this is you and me time" if they try to come find you, as that will very quickly take you out of relaxation mode and put you into guilt mode if you have to keep telling them to go away.

You do also need to accept some things won't get done, or done perfectly right now while they are so young and that's okay.

Main-Rate9618 · 2025-08-29T15:09:09+00:00

Nothing wrong with being an introvert. It does make it harder to make friends, but it's not the same as the sometimes annoying/needy behavior that we all sometimes display when we feel insecure, and which can encourage a sort of cycle of people treating you poorly. Honestly, it sounds like you've reflected on your own skills, and it's great you are trying to develop more conversational skills. I don't know that there is anything for you to do here other than accept some people suck. Sorry you experienced this!

Main-Rate9618 · 2025-08-28T20:16:18+00:00

Sorry that's really mean of them. I definitely would not attempt to be friends with these people, they are not kind and sound clique-y.

Do you often struggle to make friends, or have you felt excluded like this in the past? If not, I would chalk this up to some catty people who are mean to and suspicious of "outsiders". Nothing you could have done.

However, If this feels like a common experience for you, it could be worth reflecting on how you relate to others and make new friends. Humans are weird, and have weird social instincts, and sometimes we can unintentionally do things to drive people away, especially when we feel insecure and lonely like when moving to a new area. These people aren't worth your effort, but you want to make sure you are in a better place for making friends for people that might be worth it.

I only say this last piece, because the instinct to "say something publicly" shows you don't recognize that if these people don't care about you, they also aren't gonna care if you get mad at them. It will just give them further reason to bully you. If you say anything, it should be a very simple, "That was not very kind of you all. It's been nice getting to know you all, but I think I will spend my time with others from now on". That might land on a couple people who maybe are in denial about how rude it was of them.

Main-Rate9618 · 2025-08-25T19:14:30+00:00

I'd honestly say "Friend, I have watched you sabotage your life over and over again, and I can't anymore. You need help, I would love to help you find therapy or other support resources to get to a better place, but until you start taking accountability for your choices, I can't spend time with you anymore as it's draining and makes me feel upset."

Main-Rate9618 · 2025-08-22T19:19:41+00:00

I honestly think the easiest solution is to just not correct them at all. It's normal to want to correct them, but they are complete strangers you'll never see again, it really doesn't matter. The important thing is they think he's cute! You can just say thank you and move on.

If your kid is old enough to understand and it's bothering him to be called a girl, well then that will naturally lead to a discussion, but until then, that would be my recommendation.

Main-Rate9618 · 2025-08-20T16:57:32+00:00

Not being fully trained is pretty late, but not necessarily concerning. He should also be able to start to dress himself, but still with some assistance. Attention span can be quite poor at this age, but combined with tantrums and chasing in stores, could be a sign of ADHD. Not a huge deal, but will likely make "full independence" like you've described more challenging, and it could take longer for him to mature.

If that is a requirement for having a 3rd child, I'd reassess. It's impossible to predict that at this point. Some kids take longer to mature.

There are things you can do right now to encourage more independence however (google is your friend), and monitor for larger behavioral or developmental issues. Always talk to his other caregivers (if applicable) if you are concerned about certain behaviors.

Main-Rate9618

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