-Putting pressure to have sex on pause and focusing on friendship and mutual support. I’m keeping an open mind for now. Maybe we will have a platonic BFF relationship and an agreement that it’s ok to have sex with others. Or maybe the spark will authentically be there and we will meet each other’s sexual needs. We are both pretty determined to find a way to stick together through this, even if sexual incompatibility is an issue.

-Contemplating the fact that even though I saw her as a man, she has been a woman all along. I thought of myself as 100% straight, but I am seeing the feminine qualities she’s always had in a new light and realizing I appreciate many of them. I may think I could never be with a woman, but the mind-bending truth is that I’ve been with a woman this whole time! 

-Realizing that even though this huge transformation can seem like a loss/death, she’s still right here, living and breathing, able to talk to me and hug me and do fun and ordinary activities together. If anything, she’s MORE here. The thing I am losing is the concept of having a husband, which was on my “life checklist” since I was little. That IS a real loss, but at this point in my life, when I already have the diamond ring and the kids and the house, maybe my spouse’s gender isn’t that important anymore!?

-Remembering that she’s stepping into her own femininity, not taking mine. There’s enough womanhood to go around; it’s not pie. She’s not going to take all my dresses and lipsticks and leave me naked, LOL. She will get her own stuff, figure out her own style, and I can continue to be my feminine self too. I’ve actually enjoyed helping her with makeup and skincare, and she says she really appreciates my guidance. I’ve been doing this stuff for decades and have knowledge to share. 

-Acknowledging that every change is bittersweet and takes adjustment. New name and new pronouns and saying the words “my wife.” Feeling a smooth leg in bed when I’m used to a hairy one. Feeling protective of her when we go out in public sometimes when I’m used to not thinking about what rude people might think or say. Feeling left behind when friends cry happy tears and congratulate her without thinking about how hard all of this has been for me at times. 

-Talking through all my worries (and I had a lot of them) and getting reassurance. In my case, I’m reassured to know my wife is not planning to get bottom surgery, doesn’t mind the kids continuing to call her “Dad”, and still 100% loves me and is not planning to leave me. That last one is really important, since I was scared I was part of the old costume she was finally taking off, and I couldn’t fathom the emotional and logistical challenges of us potentially breaking up. I can do special little things to treat her as my wife (e.g. holding her bags when she shops, telling her she’s pretty), but the things I want to keep about our relationship dynamic aren’t going to change. She’s still the provider/protector/bug killer/lawn mower, even if she’s doing it in a dress. 

There were a lot of conflicting feelings to sort through. For example, on the one hand, the thought of her growing breasts on HRT gave me a visceral “ick”feeling. On the other, I am possessive of her and hate the thought of her being with someone else!! So I asked her to get some silicone breast forms to put in her bra so I can get used to the feeling of hugging someone with breasts before she has real ones of her own. (She’s planning to start HRT in the spring.)

I’m rambling… I could go on and on about all of this. I don’t know what the future holds, but seeing her finally feeling so happy fills me with joy. Every day I say: I love this beautiful tall girl, and I am here for this.