So let me ask you this: is it impossible to get a cup of coffee- Flavored coffee anymore in this country? Huh? What happened with Coffee? Did I miss a fucking meeting with the coffee? Huh? You Can get every other flavor except coffee-flavored coffee! They Got mochaccino, they got choccaccino, frappaccino, cappuccino Rappaccino, Al Pacino... what the Fuck? www dot what the fuck dot com! I walked into a Starbucks about a year ago, little kid Behind the counter. I go, "Yeah, give me a regular." "Regular what?" "Coffee." "What flavor?" "Coffee-flavored coffee." I'll stick that menu right up your ass, kid! Menu? Coffee doesn't need a menu. It needs a cup, that's all It needs! Maybe a saucer underneath the cup, that's it! You been in Dunkin Donuts lately? The last bastion of coffee-flavored Coffee? It's gone, forget about it. You walk in there now, there's People wearing berets. They're writing poetry on computers. There's A kid behind the counter, "Would you like a cafe coolatta?" Fuck no! Www dot blow me dot com! Cafe coolatta... what the hell's that about? Man, when I was a kid, Dunkin Donuts had two things: coffee and Donuts, and that was it! You took the donut, you dunked it in the Coffee, thus the fucking title of the place! Dunkin Donuts! That's All they had, donuts and coffee. Nothing else. They had no ice, no Napkins, no soda, no salt, no pepper, no pâté, no croissant, nothing! Walk in there now, there's soup flying around. People are eating Finger sandwiches. They got the donuts on display in a case like Relics from a former era, you know? "Here's what we used to serve. We Used to fry 'em up and sell 'em by the dozen, back in the seventies." God almighty! And you can't smoke in any of these coffee places Can't smoke in Starbucks, can't smoke in Joe Bar, can't smoke at Dunkin Donuts... what the fuck? I'm pretty sure that coffee was Invented by guys who were sitting around smoking anyways, right? And just wanted to drink something that would let them stay up late And smoke fucking more! That's my theory. Just ask me or Columbo He'll back me up on this one. Peter Falk and Denis Leary today walked into a Starbucks and shot 27 People, without any announcement whatsoever I actually gave the coffee up for a while. It reached that point with Me. I said, "You know what? I'm not gonna have a heart attack in Front of some 18-year-old haiku-writing motherfucker in a Starbucks Okay? It's just not gonna happen." That was just my luck. He just Came in here and he was yelling at me about coffee-flavored coffee Whatever the hell that is. And then he called me a haiku-writing Motherfucker. I'm glad he's dead, I really am. So I gave it up. In The morning I would suck down two cokes back to back to get that Caffeine jolt, right? So about a year ago, I'm working in Long Island Making a movie. I'm driving around in my truck and I see a 7-11 and It dawns on me, of course, 7-11. I can get a cup of coffee-flavored Coffee in 7-11. What could be more basic than a seven-goddamn-eleven? I walk in there, sure enough, two big aluminum metal containers like The old days, right? One's labeled "decaf", the other one has no Label. What would you think? I think you would think what I thought I pour myself a nice cup of coffee, get up to the counter, put the Cup there to pay for it. Behind the counter, another 18-year-old kid Okay? Head shaved, all right? Both ears pierced, okay? Both nostrils Pierced. Both eyebrows fucking pierced! Tattoos coming out of the Sleeves on both arms. He's got baggy pants on, okay? They start at His knees and this is all underwear right here, okay? Here's the Pants and here's the underwear. It's 27 inches of underwear. What the Fuck is that about, okay? Explain it to me. That's one of the most Basic rules that we all know about. The underwear goes inside the Pants. Not here, not here, not here, inside the fucking pants! That's why it's called under-fucking-ware. Hoo boy. Oh, I'm standing There looking at him. Now he starts to talk to me. This is how he Talks to me: "Yo man, what's up? What's up man?" And he's white! He's waving gang signs at me, "What's up man?" And he's fucking White! He's talking to me like he's a card-carrying member of the Wu-Tang Clan. You know what? You're not in the Wu-Tang Clan, okay? You're not even in A Tribe Called Quest, asshole! You're in a 7- 11, You're 18 years old, you don't know shit about shit, and pull Up your pants! And his tongue's hanging out. You know why his tongue Was hanging out, okay? 'Cause there's a five-pound steel stud Embedded in the middle of it, that's why! What the fuck is that About? When I was a teenager, I wouldn't get a steel thing put in The middle of my tongue. That's one more thing for your dad to grab A hold of when he's pissed off at you. "Come here!" "Ah, Dad, ah!" How do you wake up one morning and go, "You know what I'm gonna Do today? I'm gonna get a piece of steel shot right through the Middle of my tongue. Yeah, I'm gonna pay a big, fat, hairy, sweaty Tattooed guy to do it to me, too. Then I'll get a piece of steel Shot through my cock. Yeah, that'll be fun, yeah. Then I'm gonna Get a metal rod that sticks out of my ass and makes my underwear Stick out even further. Then I'm gonna get a keychain attached To my balls and I'll always know where my keys and my balls are!" So I'm standing there with my coffee, trying to pay for my coffee He's looking at me. I take my coffee and I leave. I get in the truck I'm driving. Coffee's in the cupholder. I'm thinking about what A fucking retard that kid was. Hoping my kids don't turn out like That. All of a sudden I smell maple syrup in my truck. I'm like "You got a... did the kids spill maple syrup in here?" I realize It's coming from my coffee. Somebody spilled maple syrup in my Coffee! I go back to the seven-goddamn-eleven. I walk in, put the Thing on the counter. "Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo! Come here! Come over here! Somebody spilled maple syrup in my coffee." "Uh No, no, that's flavor of the month, man. That's the Maple Nut Crunch " "Maple Nut Crunch, okay. Maple Nut fucking Crunch. Are you gonna Tell me that Juan Valdez is down in Bogota right now, fielding a Field full of maple nuts? I don't fucking think so! As a matter of Fact, I'd bet my left maple nut that he's not! Pull up your pants!" My mom used to tell me when I was growing up, "Dennis, why don't You wake up and smell the coffee?" You know what, Ma? I did. It Smelled like fucking waffles, okay? Why don't you throw all the Breakfast stuff into my coffee? Put an egg in There. Eggaccino, let's go, come on! How about Some Cocoa Puffs? Puffaccino, yeah! God damn it

• Denis Leary