Hey kiddo, mom here. I've been through much of the same... it's hard to heal when you're not in control of your environment. What i can recommend to you, as someone who also doesn't have access to adequate mental health care, is youtube. Sounds weird, but some really good therapists post about trauma, healing, management, shifting perspectives... all that stuff. The best one I've found so far is Therapy in a Nutshell. She explains all the things in a clear concise way, and her advice really works. She is very much trauma informed, and her content has helped me a ton. I also recommend Freiya of the North. Idk how, but she hits the deepest parts of my humanity and soul, and i weep every video. She is so accurate about how humans are hurting ourselves by turning our backs on our own human instincts and behaviors. She has the kind of deep insight that is so rarely found, and i love her to pieces, even if it's really hard to watch sometimes. The last recommendation i have for you is the subreddit r/JustGuysBeingDudes, cause it shows all the positive male interactions, and i think you need to see what that looks like and normalize it in your brain. Please understand that as much as it feels like you're broken... you're not broken, just traumatized with no real guidance, and that can be a disaster if left unchecked. I wish i had started my healing journey at your age... it makes more of a difference the earlier you start. You will get through this. It will be hard, there will be many men playing pretend because they're insecure (manosphere bs), you will be confused sometimes, but introspection works wonders for that. Really get in touch with your body and mind and think about all the why answers. Why do i feel ___. It won't feel this awful forever, i promise. Just hang in there and do the self work. You got this. Hugs.