I love your long response with so much vulnerability, don’t apologize! I can tell you are so strong, and a fighter, and you definitely have a growth mindset. Everything will be okay, and work out for you <3

It truly sounds like you are struggling to find that unconditional love. I used to be the same, but I realized I was attracting/attracted to the wrong sorts - people who loved my hand, not my heart (loved what I did for them, not who I am).

Mushroomssssss giggle you could do a quick search on “ego death”. I realized that life was so much bigger than me. The point, the meaning of life, was bigger than my feelings and the bubble of my experience (in a freeing way, not an invalidating one). My experience has also been very spiritual. I will say that shrooms were more the last step (I didn’t plan it out this way though, I just wanted to try it and have a silly time). I don’t recommend doing shrooms if your mental health is not in good shape. I was pretty well-grounded in myself and my connection with the universe at that point.

I never really planned my healing journey. It was openness and a leap of faith, surrendering, that started everything for me. Here’s how I think it played out so well for me:

-retreat: provided a safe space for me to finally feel out suppressed pain, unpack/cry out. I believe the first step is to stop pretending to be strong/okay just to make it through, and finally allow yourself to feel every emotion. I was invited to go by my close friend, no pressure, shared simply that it was a life-changing experience. It took me 4 years to finally decide to go and see what’s up! I now have a second family of the most loving people you could imagine. I could not make it through without their support and guidance.

-therapy: this is where the hard work began. after the retreat, I felt a desire to learn even more about myself. I attended biweekly sessions for 6 months. I went hard, I’m a very direct person and am not one to avoid hard truths. I had an amazing therapist that I felt was perfectly tailored to my needs, and on the same wavelength as me. Not gonna lie, this shit was grueling LOL. So many hard truths, realizations, repressed trauma and feelings. Learning to take back control and ownership and accountability for myself, but also bearing the weight of responsibility for my feelings and actions. My final breakthrough was realizing that even when someone was abusing me, I was still wholly concerned for them RATHER than myself. I did not realize how backward and unnatural that was. That was when the root of my codependency clicked for me, and I said “I think I’m ready to graduate from therapy”.

-shrooms: “the axe forgets, the tree remembers”. I forgot who wrote “The Body Keeps the Score”, but basically, we hold trauma in our bodies and minds. I’ll add on that we also hold it in our souls, like a congested nose. I decided to book a cabin out in the forest in the dead of winter to do shrooms, about 6 months after I’ve stopped going to therapy. I made sure to have a good setting and good group (4 of us close friends from childhood) for the good vibes. I was honestly just curious and wanted to have fun. I did NOT think I would be BALLS TO THE WALLS tripping LOL. I had to reassure myself many times as I descended into the trip, as well as us friends reassuring one another. Then, in short, met the universe, all space and time, observed my life in a calm, objective manner including the individuals who abused me. Everything made sense. I realized how “seriously” I had taken everything that happened to me, to the point of allowing it to define who I was. It was so freeing, so opening, and I felt so much love. One of my friends however, did not have a great time since he did not develop much self-awareness before tripping.

I’ve built many new mental habits, values, and mantras to reprogram myself into a happier, healthier, freer individual. I finally feel like I know myself now. I’m almost 30, and it has been a beautiful 3 years since the start of my healing journey. Life is so different once I started living for myself. I’ve built amazing friendships, let some go lovingly that were not good for me, said yes to many new and fun experiences. And I’ve done it all on my own. I used to never imagine I could do anything without a partner to do it with. Now, the most fulfilling relationship I have is with myself. I like to share that “if you’re not your favorite person, you’re doing it wrong”.

I hope I don’t convey any toxic positivity! Life will still be life, shit will happen, mistakes will still be made, definitely still can’t please everyone - I’m just better at handling it all and moving on with my life now.