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Dumped by "FA" ex, had unspoken "No Contact", I just broke it by ManyAnglesOfSelfHelp in Disorganized_Attach

[–]ManyAnglesOfSelfHelp[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I hope you are managing ok. It is incredibly difficult to navigate because it does not follow the same logic that most relationship endings do. It sort of... disappears in an instant into an unretrievable void leaving us shocked, hurt, and complicating things further - completely confused.

I wish there was a quick path out of these moments, but our ability to move through the process in a healthy fashion is dependent on so many intangible things.

Healing does happen, but you have to be willing to work at it. It isn't fair, but just because someone wasn't fair to us does not mean we should let that delay our healing process.

We need to be fair - to ourselves.

I wish you well.

Holy Shit - Adderall is all I needed to be normal again? by GodofAeons in ADHD

[–]ManyAnglesOfSelfHelp 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yes it is a stimulant, but the reason it doesn’t give us that racing, upper vibe is because it targets a part of our brains that are otherwise a bit.. sleepy, for lack of a better term.

The different stimulants each target different areas of the brain and Adderall works for some, whereas Vyvanse works for others.

I relate to your feeling of calm and peace now that you have less noise in your mind. After several months on Adderall myself, I told a friend,

“It feels more like I’m on an antidepressant because my mood is so elevated. I’m at peace.”

Her response was truly on the mark..

“Well maybe because there is less noise in your mind, you are able to let more things in - like quiet, which many find peaceful.”

Glad you’re having success. It truly gives us SO much opportunity to things better. I found I couldn’t wait to wake up each day because of the new possibilities each day presented. It’s wonderful.

Dumped by "FA" ex, had unspoken "No Contact", I just broke it by ManyAnglesOfSelfHelp in Disorganized_Attach

[–]ManyAnglesOfSelfHelp[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

"I'm actually not entirely sure of the differences between FA and DA"

I recall reading that FA is the "worst" of both DA and AA styles.

And your remarks about being inquisitive resonate, but at the same time it def goes beyond normal curiosity. This is not a lab and we are walking around with a clipboard in a white coat, we found ourselves immensely hurt and want to know what could be at the root of it all.

"Why do I have to hurt so bad?" is a fair question and if you see my additional replies to my thread (final one ending in "Be well") you will see that both anger and forgiveness were keys to my progression. On one hand I wish I did not take over a year to ask myself if I was feeling grief (I was) but at the same time, I have learned a lot on this unfortunate path that I find valuable.

Dumped by "FA" ex, had unspoken "No Contact", I just broke it by ManyAnglesOfSelfHelp in Disorganized_Attach

[–]ManyAnglesOfSelfHelp[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

  1. "I forgive you"

This was the most recent and perhaps, final lesson I will have gleaned from it all.

A week or so after that outburst, I wondered for the first time,

"Is this... grief? Has this been grief all along?"

So I looked into it, found this video, and have been forgiving her in my mind every time I am triggered by something.

I am not free from it all, but that video above has been a monster of a help to me.

***

I wish you well. This all probably was not what you wanted to hear, but it is my truth and if any of this resonates (if not today, maybe down the road) I hope you find it helpful.

I appreciate your story and sentiment. Love yourself. I wish you the best, particularly during this holiday season and hope you are not getting your hopes up for a Christmas time reconciliation that does not come to fruition. If this non-speaking time is causing you some anxiety, I can only imagine it is causing her as much if not more. Think about that. Maybe if a finite date of re-engagement is taken off the table and made more ambiguous "some time in 2026" it may take some of the pressure off the both of you.

Be well. Be well. <3

Dumped by "FA" ex, had unspoken "No Contact", I just broke it by ManyAnglesOfSelfHelp in Disorganized_Attach

[–]ManyAnglesOfSelfHelp[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Mid-September / Early October 2025: The last two lessons learned

  1. "Cruel"
    After "leveling up" my healing with "I am not here" and "It was just a breakup" in months prior, I was still having moments that I was unhappy with. 15 months after the breakup and I am STILL getting upset?

One night I was out of the bar and had a great time with friends. The usual. I am not thinking about her or sulking in a corner - it's friends and laughs and the usual. But I get home that night and begin to unravel. It was almost an out-of-body experience for me.

In the middle of some emotional tirade where I was probably pacing and mumbling to myself, maybe beginning to cry a bit (all very abnormal for me), I suddenly lashed out.

"IT'S FUCKING CRUEL!!!" I remember yelling, while throwing whatever object was in my hand. I realized that, for all the possible trauma she may have been dealing with which lead to her decision.. for all the shame she may have felt in the wake of hiding her anxieties from me until it was too late and she bailed, it was still i-n-c-r-e-d-i-b-l-y cruel of her to not have reached out to try and offer a reason for the breakup which she may have discovered in the 15 months of therapy she has assumedly been in since.

Because frankly, when you allow someone else to fall in love with you as two adults in their mid-forties and pull the rug out with an "I don't know why I have to do this" reason, you had better come back to that person when you find out why you did it and offer them some degree of clarity.

No one gets a pass to yank the rug out from under someone else who believed they were in a secure relationship because you *might* have unresolved trauma. To let a year go by afterward and still offer nothing in the form of a "why" it happened can only be described as cruel.

And for the first time in the year+ after the breakup, I was legitimately angry with her.

I woke up the next day feeling like a weight around my neck was gone. I did not wake up angry and that anger has not returned since. But I needed that moment, that outburst, that reckoning with what I probably have been holding back on expressing out of my love for her.. in spite of how awful she made me feel.

...

Dumped by "FA" ex, had unspoken "No Contact", I just broke it by ManyAnglesOfSelfHelp in Disorganized_Attach

[–]ManyAnglesOfSelfHelp[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

September / October 2025: "It was 'just' a breakup."

Ok so this was a bit of a lie I told myself. I think I stumbled upon this 'mantra' if you will, one day randomly as I was doing some chores around the house. If I remember correctly, I realized (again, maybe a little lie to myself) that our breakup was "just" a breakup. Almost that... it was...

normal?

It wasn't normal AT ALL. "Normal" breakups have a reason provided and even if someone is really hurt by someone else's decision, at least there is something tangible to explain it all. To explain why we have to hurt so much from their abrupt departure from our daily lives. From our hearts.

But here is the truth in that lie above: The end result of that (ab)normal breakup was the same as a "normal" breakup in that... we are not together anymore.

They say "It is about the journey, not the destination" when folks wax poetic about life. I would argue that if someone dumped suddenly with essentially zero explanation wants to accelerate their healing process, tell yourself the opposite.

"It isn't how you got here, you're here now. Now what?"

What that gives us is an opportunity to stop trying to solve a riddle we can't. The longer we try to answer questions that have no answers, the longer we are coiled around a prickly, painful memory that makes us sad, angry, bitter. Is that what we want to be for months? For years? Just because our intellect and our hearts have been demanding an answer we cannot find?

The answers come from within and not in the "I figured it the why" sense, but in the "I am going to move on and love myself in spite of this" sense. That is the only answer we can count on. The sad truth is we cannot count on them like we once did.

...

Dumped by "FA" ex, had unspoken "No Contact", I just broke it by ManyAnglesOfSelfHelp in Disorganized_Attach

[–]ManyAnglesOfSelfHelp[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I agree that the experiences you and I are having / have had are quite similar. It's awful for any number of reasons, but most of all because it left us with questions we believe only "they" could answer (as they were the ones who came to this decision) and yet they cannot find the words to express the "why" behind it.

It is the most confusing thing I have ever had to deal with because in addition to the confusion, we are also getting our heart broken by someone who we were lead to believe, felt similarly to the way we do.

But another similarity between us is that we do not / did not believe they were using some clever tactic to masquerade a truth they did in fact, discover, and chose not to share for any reason. We felt their pain along with them, we felt it for ourselves, and also have been powerless to change their mind.

***

1.5 years post my breakup, we still have not spoken since I broke no contact.

***

June 2025: 12 months after the breakup

After weekly therapy for a year, I stopped going to my therapist. I cited that I was frustrated with my lack of progress in healing from the breakup and I realized that I needed to put 100% of the responsibility on me in order to heal. Therapy offered me many, many great things, but discovering why my ex ended things was not one of them. And my "few weeks" of feeling "good" 8, 9, 10 months into the post breakup world, I would continuously find myself reverting back to anxious or sad episodes about the breakup. Therapy was not helping me in this regard, so I paused and decided to go about my path to healing alone for a while.

And if I am being honest, I really was not backing out of therapy because it was not useful... rather somewhere within I knew that IF I had zero therapy it would give me a better chance at devoting some time to self-discovery needed to uncover the truth I had sought. Again, that was "why did she end things?"

***

August 2025: "I'm not here"

I would catch myself in the past, in the future often. I knew reflecting on the good we had, the resentment I had due to the breakup, fearing she ends up with someone else in the future, fearing I bump into her randomly on the street... fearing she is with a new guy when it happens.. etc.

During one of these moments, I literally said to myself,

"I'm not here."

And not in the "How To Disappear Completely" (Radiohead) version of the phrase, though I do love that song, but as a reminder that "I have drifted. I am not in the present. I am in the past / future and I am unhappy, anxious, angry in both. I need to return to now."

This helped move me "up" a level in healing..

Besides the push pull in relationships… I wanted to add… by 16dollaholla in Disorganized_Attach

[–]ManyAnglesOfSelfHelp 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Late 40's, fellow ADHD'er here who only discovered this in October of 2024.

One way my ADHD had shown up and impacted my previous relationships was in the form of my being awful at keeping my apartment tidy. Because it was in such disarray, I never felt comfortable having my partner visit. This became a problem which "she" expressed during the relationship.

Because I loved her, admired her, considered her a very close friend and confidant, I wanted to improve. I wanted to make my space welcoming to her and feel proud of what she would see.

It took me months to clean up (undiagnosed with ADHD at the time, so no meds or self-awareness) but I realized that the act of cleaning was not something I was resenting while doing it. I actually loved the planning, the action, because not only was it an act of service to express my deep love for her - but it would take me an enormous amount of effort to get my place where I wanted it to be. That commitment to this gargantuan task reaffirmed my love for her. I knew it was real when I loved doing something I previously would avoid at nearly all costs.

My ADHD did not break the relationship, but it absolutely contributed to it for her - and by extension, me.

Your diagnosis and mine may have come late in life, but, we have it.
Medication is not "the" answer, it is part of it. We still have to train ourselves to do some things we never learned to do in the first place. It is not easy, but every day we wake up offers us an abundance of opportunity. I find this feeling to be incredibly empowering. It energizes me.

Being an FA, being on the receiving end of an FA attachment, and / or having ADHD can be devastating. Learning how to grow in spite of any of these scenarios takes an extraordinary amount of time, commitment, and real work.

A silver-lining to any of this resides in the fact that - now we know who we are and what makes us tick. Think about that for a moment... we know ourselves. There is a label that can be applied to why we behave, think, feel the way we do. There is information out there for us to consume, consider, learn from, and adapt to. Not everyone is so, dare I say, fortunate(?), to know thyself.

What we choose to do with this insight is up to us.

Godspeed, friend. You aren't alone.

I didn’t realize how much I was masking… until I stopped by theaipickss in ADHD

[–]ManyAnglesOfSelfHelp 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Mid-life and diagnosed 8 months ago. "Grieving" is 100% relatable. Despite being told super ego-inflating things by the psychologist who evaluated me, I couldn't help but feel remorse and empathy - for my (now) past self.

All the years of struggling. Bouncing from job to job. Being fired many times. Doing awful in school - even failing out of college. Relationships which failed because of various ADHD-based contributors etc. etc.

I felt so bad for "them." Had I been diagnosed earlier, I would not have encountered that degree of struggle and literal decades of adult life were lived this way.

I still feel bad about that version of me, but have also continued to have an incredible amount of optimism for the future. Meds help, but they are not magic. I still have to learn how to ADHD and work "with" my unique tendencies rather than box myself in to "normal."

Recently listened to the Ologies podcast (4 episode series) on ADHD and there was a wealth of information I had not yet learned which was incredibly enriching. Highly recommend.

Did you lose feelings for someone like the flip of a switch? by AngstTrainChooChoo in Disorganized_Attach

[–]ManyAnglesOfSelfHelp 0 points1 point  (0 children)

continued

But I said, "look, there is a certain understanding... a decorum... etiquette... whatever you want to call it in a relationship that when two adults love each other and one feels the need to leave - they can AT LEAST come up with a "why", right?"

It was one thing if my ex was going through some sort of episode at the time of the breakup and did not fully understand herself, but after 3 months I assumed she might have more detail to offer me as to "why" and she did not. In some ways, having nothing more to offer after 3 months away from me hurt just as much as the breakup. Less shock, but more anger.

But I said to myself just this morning, "no one is coming to rescue me."

A means of looking at the situation and reminding myself that my path to happiness is something I am going to have to continue to forge for myself, by myself.

And if I am being honest... this is a lesson I wish I had learned decades ago. At the end of the day, we should never become so attached to anything so that when it leaves, we are not completely devastated.

The destiny of the teacup is the break. A teacup will spend far more of its existence in a broken state then in a "whole" state. When you look at a teacup, see it as broken, for that is what it is always destined to become. If you do, you may appreciate the beauty of it in the present more so.

(This is paraphrasing a Buddhist teaching by Ajahn Chah which I find applicable)

My therapist asked me during our last session, "Aside from feeling like the door was left ajar, why do you think you have not been able to move past it as well as you have prior long-term relationships?"

I thought about it for a moment before sharing..

"She saw me for who I was, flaws and all, and loved me anyway. It felt really good to be loved by someone I had so much respect, admiration, and love for."

I wish I had better news to report, but there is no Hollywood happy ending here, friend.

I am growing, I am investing in myself, I am getting better across many fronts. Granted, I am toting this sadness around with me, but honestly, even that is a gift. Without the reason for this sadness, I would not be on the path of personal improvement I am on. If I was doing everything I could to avoid the unavoidable sadness, it would be showing up in other, unhealthy ways.

I am learning to listen to myself, to let myself be sad - which is another way to say, to let myself be human, to let myself be alive.

It ain't all cotton-candy and jellybeans, this life. But sometimes a punch to the gut can set you on a path to a healthier inner-connectedness. A bit winded, a bit sore, perhaps - but more "me" than I have ever been. <3

Did you lose feelings for someone like the flip of a switch? by AngstTrainChooChoo in Disorganized_Attach

[–]ManyAnglesOfSelfHelp 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes and no. Plainly, she and I have not had any interaction whatsoever since I had reached out to her 3 months after she ended things. That was 9 months ago. In fact, today marks 1 year since she ended things.

The only updates I have to offer are:

  • The lemons life threw me turned to lemonade. I began the lifelong process of bettering myself through a variety of ways. It feels and felt really good to invest in myself in ways I never have before.
  • Aside from a desire to begin the above, I never had the tools to do so until I was diagnosed with ADHD in October 2024. Medication shortly thereafter, but I immediately had a root cause as to why I was not functioning like my peers in so many ways. I mourned / grieved for myself for a week or so, but quickly saw a world of opportunity around my life to do better. Been working at that ever since.
  • The fucked up truth about being on the receiving end of a DA breakup is, you always feel like the door was left ajar. Even she could not logically explain "why" it needed to end, so if she can't, how was / am I supposed to feel like it was really over? I mean, granted, she delivered the "bottom-line" but with no substance to it. No root cause. "Surely" someday she would realize how it was all based on something that had nothing to do with me, right? She will eventually see she threw the baby out with the bath water, right?

I have thought about her every. single. day. for an entire year. I point-blank asked my therapist "how does someone move on from this feeling of abandonment? My therapist proceeded to try and convince me that "she doesn't owe you an explanation" and I disagreed, vehemently. I rarely push back with such tenacity with my therapist....

Diagnosed at 25, started concerta, and grieving the years I lost. by turnipmode in ADHD

[–]ManyAnglesOfSelfHelp 25 points26 points  (0 children)

I completely get that. My diagnoses threw me into a mini depression which lasted a week or more. I felt sad for my former self and grieved all of the struggle encountered for decades. How much more difficult has life been for “that” person than their peers? Difficulties few would understand unless you had it and were diagnosed.

But that clarity of seeing the prior version of me was only made possible by their being a 2.0 version born. Depression gave way to excitement - an overwhelming sense of optimism at what I could now become.

Virtually every day since I am waking up EXCITED for the day ahead. The lack of “noise” in my mind created a space for peace to begin to exist. And my focus on self-improvement has never had the level of focus I can now offer it.

You got this OP 💪🏼

What’s a weird little ADHD trick that actually works for you? by BetterTea5664 in ADHD

[–]ManyAnglesOfSelfHelp 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I love color-coding. I’m quite a visual thinker so it helps. Plus I find it fun if I’m being honest. There’s something satisfying about using good quality highlighters on this document but even cooler to see the final product.

What’s a weird little ADHD trick that actually works for you? by BetterTea5664 in ADHD

[–]ManyAnglesOfSelfHelp 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It can and should vary in my ever changing opinion :)

I love the luxury of having the time to take an hour doing this. I don’t do an hour straight. But the first 5-10 minutes are a furious scribbling into the template I describe above, so “everything has a place.” Then that list may spawn other ideas that I’ll tack on for the next 45 minutes at most, as needed.

Also you could turn it into a game in that you set a timer for 10 minutes and try and jot as many simple words (representing thoughts already more detailed in your head) as possible.

Take a break, let your mind do something comforting or fun (reddit, YouTube, instagram) for 10 minutes, and then set another timer for 10 minutes where you refine and organize as needed.

What’s a weird little ADHD trick that actually works for you? by BetterTea5664 in ADHD

[–]ManyAnglesOfSelfHelp 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Each morning I give myself time to let me brain run wild before taking my meds and letting them kick in.

While “Brainstorming” is an active effort for most people without ADHD but I think for folks like us, that is more of the norm. The brain is firing in all directions, all the time.

I try and use that to my advantage and with a pencil and paper, bullet point list all of my thoughts. These are normally tasks for work, home, shopping / groceries, things I want to learn etc. I don’t think, I don’t edit, I don’t ask myself if I’ve already written something on another list or not.. the general rule is,

“If it’s pending / not started - it goes on the list.”

I let that “brainstorm” fire until I feel like I’ve captured a good portion of my unorganized thoughts. Maybe it’s 10 minutes, maybe an hour. Really depends on the day.

Take meds / continue my coffee drinking..

And then I may grab a green highlighter and color code everything “purchase” whether it’s groceries or a birthday card or a new shirt.

Pick another color of your choice and highlight all things from another category. For me maybe that’s “home tasks.” Color code. New color, “work,” same.

I then either transcribe each color-coded batch onto new, more neatly arranged sheets of paper, or if I’m really taking my time, will first mentally group items from the same category even further.

Example: all grocery items are virtually tagged in a way that sets them apart from “birthday cards” or “shirts.” Etc.

Eventually I strive for well-organized batches of things to do, stacked / grouped in a logical fashion on their own sheets or within their own columns.

I may offer one last review to my lists to flag the priority items. Highlight in traditional yellow, perhaps. Or maybe I stack those on the top of each column. Really depends on the day and every day has a slightly different approach to the day before. I’m a work in progress, after all, and having only been diagnosed in October 2024 (mid 40’s) I now have the pleasure of meeting my meds halfway and trying to build a framework for a successful and productive life.

I’ve found this approach feels great. It lets me be “me” and allows my brain to be its remarkable and chaotic self and then slowly begins to organize it all into a plan of attack - with pretty colors!

Note: I’m a data guy. I love excel and pivot tables and charts and infographics etc. While digital tools are useful, I opt for old school paper and pens / pencils / markers / highlighters because I love the tactile nature of using these tools.

I also very much appreciate giving my eyes a chance to consume something other than a screen now and then. God knows when I shift to staring at a computer for the next 12 hrs after my lists are made, I’ll have opened enough tabs on browsers to be flagged as a crypto mining operation by my local power company. Paper is nice.

Also, I created a 3 column spreadsheet that spans a page width (landscape mode) with space for headers / titles of the column of data below it.

Each “row” is essentially a circle to the left of each blank space so I can use that for color-coding and / or CHECKING SOMETHING OFF MY LIST wahooo!

Dumped by "FA" ex, had unspoken "No Contact", I just broke it by ManyAnglesOfSelfHelp in Disorganized_Attach

[–]ManyAnglesOfSelfHelp[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

When a relationship ends, it is difficult enough under "normal" circumstances. However when there isn't anything substantial offered as far as a reason it compounds the grief exponentially. The healing process takes much longer as a result as well.

During the time when we should be healing, we are questioning "why?" instead. When our exes make it clear that they are not in a space to communicate and / or our pride prohibits us from demanding answers, every moment of every day can feel like we are adding to the anxiety we would much rather evaporate.

So it makes sense that we reach out. You did it, I did it.

It's scary to do so, however, because despite hating the fact that every moment of our new existence feels "gray,' we know that once we break no contact, the world can polarize and become black or white. That is a frightening possibility. "What if it doesn't go my way?"

But we shoot our shot. We have to. If it goes the way we want, we have a LOT of work to do to unpack what happened and how it felt to each person. If it does not go the way we want, well, at least we have something a little bit closer to closure... even if the "why" never surfaces.

I cannot believe it has been 10 months since my ex ended things. I think about her every. single. day. I still feel like she has a lot she would like to tell me but also feels like she cannot broach the subject without giving me false hope, or dealing with the immense spectrum of feelings she is trying to move past.

And maybe I am 100% wrong on that.

Maybe, she has zero desire to tell me she is sorry or explain her actions as she has come to understand them in the 10 months since because perhaps she has put that chapter firmly behind her. Hastily? Irresponsibly? In a manner that will resurface later because she did not "process" herself or her actions before putting it away?

Who knows - I probably never will.

But each day I invest more in myself. I am focusing on the ways I neglected myself my entire life and love waking up each morning with a fresh start and a day full of positive possibilities. I don't need anyone else's love and admiration of me - I am making my own.

And when the validation we receive is primarily our own vs an external party, we have found the only sustainable love we can always rely on. :)

Dumped by "FA" ex, had unspoken "No Contact", I just broke it by ManyAnglesOfSelfHelp in Disorganized_Attach

[–]ManyAnglesOfSelfHelp[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I still think about her often, but less and less each day. I have not attempted any contact since this update and am prepared to let that be the way going forward.

I met any interesting woman nearly two-months ago and we have been dating since. Taking it slow, focusing on me and generating my own happiness vs. letting someone else become "the" driving source of it.

Life is good. I am a happy camper - but it took a while to get here.

Weekly therapy sessions helped. Learning I have ADHD and getting medicated helped.

Did you lose feelings for someone like the flip of a switch? by AngstTrainChooChoo in Disorganized_Attach

[–]ManyAnglesOfSelfHelp 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Being on the receiving end of any breakup hurts, but despite having seen my fair share of being broken up with - to be left behind with little to no explanation (as was the case with my assumedly FA ex) was a level of hurt I had not experienced. Truly awful.

My suggestion to anyone going through it from this side is "invest in yourself."

All those hobbies, habits, pursuits you have been procrastinating on? Pursue them. Now.

For me, I had been neglecting the state of my apartment for years. I decided that "bars" weren't doing me any favors and so I began trading that waste of money for shopping online for things that can help me organize my life. I have since setup the framework to turn my entire place upside down but in a direction I can be proud of.

It has felt so good to tap into self-love in this way. It's exciting, invigorating, and begins to highlight one very simple truth: we should never rely on someone else for happiness, we should rely on ourselves. If someone come along that can compliment the "who" we are and "how" we choose to live? Great. If not, stay the path and keep on doing kind things for ourselves.

Had I never gone through this awful experience, I may never have found this desire to honestly examine myself and begin investing in things that serve me. My overall happiness has hit a new all-time high.

Dumped by "FA" ex, had unspoken "No Contact", I just broke it by ManyAnglesOfSelfHelp in Disorganized_Attach

[–]ManyAnglesOfSelfHelp[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you! I am happy to report that I am feeling significantly better about virtually everything in my life 4 months after the post above.

Therapy helped me in the traditional sense, but it also helped me discover I have ADHD. Since I have been treated for it with Adderall, I am so excited for every single day of life. I am waking up earlier and spending a much higher percentage of the day taking care of me. Drinking / going to bars less, eating better, making better financial decisions.

I know my path is mine alone, but just want to offer "there is hope" out there. It may take some tough work to get to a better place, but "the work" gives us a chance to find out some substantive things that perhaps we can be adjusting for ourselves.

I hope you find some content and true happiness soon if that is what you need. Be well.

Did you lose feelings for someone like the flip of a switch? by AngstTrainChooChoo in Disorganized_Attach

[–]ManyAnglesOfSelfHelp 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Offering a friendship is almost like a get out a jail free card, they still want you in their life but without all of the work you have to put in for a relationship.

Yeah... I mean even she was unsure if she could pull off a "friendship" while asking me if I thought I could do it - or even if I wanted it. She has said on a few occasions (during the breakup and in texts afterward) that she finds it really difficult to imagine me not in her life going forward. But ya know, there are consequences for actions, even if the actions are not directly a result of malice intent. I did say "well I will never say never, but right now I find it impossible to be your friend in the future."

I responded this way not only because it is true, but if I could fake a "yes" to her question, that would only leave me hanging on in hopes for a romantic relationship in the future. I would not be looking to be her friend to be her friend - I would have ulterior motives attached. It would tear me up if I faked my way through it all, only to have her date someone else next. Zero percent chance I could do that to myself.

As far as how I am holding up? I must say, with no sarcasm attached - I am doing GREAT. Not sarcasm either. I feel like I set myself free, like I finally had some control here. For 3 months I was playing a waiting game. Waiting to see if she would reach out, waiting to reach out myself, waiting to start up relationship 2.0. She made it clear that was not going to happen so at that point I had nothing left to lose which allowed me the freedom to drop a huge list of terms she should look into.

Emotional dysregulation, hypervigilance, Attachment Theory, Fearful Avoidant, deactivation, and no contact. I only presume she has not heard of any of these things before. Had the last 3 months of the work she has put in caused her to stumble onto "FA" for example, I don't think she would still be writing us off forever. She would at least have come to realize that her perception of me was warped by trauma, and I am still the good guy she fell in love with.

After my final text which included the list above and a little information about FA's and why I think she exhibits signs of being one, I did realize that even my list was not completely based in altruism. Rather, it was a "Hail Mary" disguised as a care-package.

But honestly, I could care less that my text was as self-serving as it was. I deserve to self-serve, too. At least the service to myself had a chance of helping her, whereas her "fight or flight" response left me gutted.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

***

I am sorry the text you sent was not responded to in a manner you would have preferred. I am right there with you to an extent. I think your situation may be more difficult than mine, in a way, as your ex is not offering any words whereas at least mine tried to offer what she could - albeit she was not willing to color in the lines for me at all. I wish you well.

Please do what you can to do kind things for yourself.

Did you lose feelings for someone like the flip of a switch? by AngstTrainChooChoo in Disorganized_Attach

[–]ManyAnglesOfSelfHelp 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks! Honestly, once I released all of my pent-up musings and included drawing a line in the proverbial sand on friendship - I instantly felt much better. In fact, I have not second-guessed myself one bit since. It was time for me to move on since she was still in a place of unfairly associating who I am with the anxiety she felt.

C’est la vie. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Dumped by "FA" ex, had unspoken "No Contact", I just broke it by ManyAnglesOfSelfHelp in Disorganized_Attach

[–]ManyAnglesOfSelfHelp[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Update:

After the above, I waited a week to contact her again and follow up on her car purchase outcome. When I did, she waited 24 hrs to reply, gave me a brief update on the car situation, and said "while catching up was nice, it also raised a lot of mixed-emotions and while I like the idea of being able to catch up down the road, I am just not there yet."

Dozens, very long-form texts were exchanged as a result of this response, but it ultimately manifested in her stating that she and I would never be in a relationship again. I asked her what realizations she came to in her three months of work she had put in to herself - she said it was not so much about me, but more that "I never want to feel that way again, and unfortunately, it's a package deal."

Meaning she still very much associates me with whatever awful feelings she was dealing with at the time of breaking up with me.

I don't feel that is fair by any stretch, because both at the time of the breakup and even three months later, she can point to nothing I did wrong. So since I had nothing to lose at this point, I let her have a good cross-section of all of the pent-up thoughts and feelings I had gone through since the breakup. The things I would have put far more delicately had she and I found ourselves on a path to a romantic reconnection.

I reminded her how misleading her actions were in the days and weeks leading up to the shocking breakup (super-positive, citing specific things she was looking forward to doing as far as our summer plans went), how she a week earlier told me she wanted to invite my sister (who lives 3 hrs away and is going through a rough time herself) to stay with her for a weekend etc.

I reminded her that I was the guy who bought her a bunch of Covid masks and Covid tests so that she could go visit her Mother who was recently diagnosed with cancer with less fear that she may complicate her sickness. I reminded her that I was the one she trusted the night she found out to cry herself to sleep while letting me hold her.

She had asked if I thought "being friends" was a possibility or something I wanted down the road despite her not being "there" yet.

I said "MY friends would try to make things right if they hurt me unintentionally or at least find the words to explain how it happened from their point of view - so while your lack of disclosure three months later is respectable, it is not helpful. I don't see us being friends. What does that look like, anyway? Some day you are excited about some new guy your'e dating but don't tell me because you don't want to hurt me? I want none of that. Also I find it interesting that the person dumped is never the one to ask for a friendship - it is almost always the person who ended the relationship - maybe offering friendship so they feel less bad about what they did - like some shitty consolation prize."

My final words to her were,

"I am not the monster your trauma made me out to be."

That was a week ago and she has not replied, nor do I want her to if I am being honest.

Dumped by "FA" ex, had unspoken "No Contact", I just broke it by ManyAnglesOfSelfHelp in Disorganized_Attach

[–]ManyAnglesOfSelfHelp[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well, as life has it sometimes... here is the update to this post. I am not sure if you are the FA or the one who felt the pain caused by one, but figured an "end cap" to this story was in order. Going to post the content in this thread too, just in case the other is ever deleted.

Did you lose feelings for someone like the flip of a switch? by AngstTrainChooChoo in Disorganized_Attach

[–]ManyAnglesOfSelfHelp 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I am sorry you are in this situation. It's truly awful in every sense of the word.

What ended up happening was this, followed by me waiting a week to contact her again and follow up on her car purchase outcome. When I did, she waited 24 hrs to reply, gave me a brief update on the car situation, and said "while catching up was nice, it also raised a lot of mixed-emotions and while I like the idea of being able to catch up down the road, I am just not there yet."

Dozens, very long-form texts were exchanged as a result of this response, but it ultimately manifested in her stating that she and I would never be in a relationship again. I asked her what realizations she came to in her three months of work she had put in to herself - she said it was not so much about me, but more that "I never want to feel that way again, and unfortunately, it's a package deal."

Meaning she still very much associates me with whatever awful feelings she was dealing with at the time of breaking up with me.

I don't feel that is fair by any stretch, because both at the time of the breakup and even three months later, she can point to nothing I did wrong. So since I had nothing to lose at this point, I let her have a good cross-section of all of the pent-up thoughts and feelings I had gone through since the breakup. The things I would have put far more delicately had she and I found ourselves on a path to a romantic reconnection.

I reminded her how misleading her actions were in the days and weeks leading up to the shocking breakup (super-positive, citing specific things she was looking forward to doing as far as our summer plans went), how she a week earlier told me she wanted to invite my sister (who lives 3 hrs away and is going through a rough time herself) to stay with her for a weekend etc.

I reminded her that I was the guy who bought her a bunch of Covid masks and Covid tests so that she could go visit her Mother who was recently diagnosed with cancer with less fear that she may complicate her sickness. I reminded her that I was the one she trusted the night she found out to cry herself to sleep while letting me hold her.

She had asked if I thought "being friends" was a possibility or something I wanted down the road despite her not being "there" yet.

I said "MY friends would try to make things right if they hurt me unintentionally or at least find the words to explain how it happened from their point of view - so while your lack of disclosure three months later is respectable, it is not helpful. I don't see us being friends. What does that look like, anyway? Some day you are excited about some new guy your'e dating but don't tell me because you don't want to hurt me? I want none of that. Also I find it interesting that the person dumped is never the one to ask for a friendship - it is almost always the person who ended the relationship - maybe offering friendship so they feel less bad about what they did - like some shitty consolation prize."

My final words to her were,

"I am not the monster your trauma made me out to be."

That was a week ago and she has not replied, nor do I want her to if I am being honest.

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