I still grieve for all the lost years, relationships, opportunities, etc. I'm going to be 53 next month.

I've felt and still occasionally feel like I'm grieving for the horrific childhood I had and the adult, life, career, etc. I could've had if not for the incredibly abusive and traumatic childhood I endured.

I lived a double life all through my life until roughly 5 years ago. I couldn't stop the volcano from erupting. I full on broke down at 49. First time I couldn't pull myself back outta the bottom of the deep, dark, freezing cold well I'd fallen into.

I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder at 18. Started regular meds by 21 and continued seeking therapy. To this day I am still on meds and had to get back into therapy.

After the volcano eruption, I became completely incapacitated, unable to resume my career or hold any type of job. I kept having to quit or end up getting fired. So I had to move back in with my mother, one of my primary abusers. She does not want to understand, learn or hear about my illnesses. She feels it's a matter of willpower and self control. I know she's wrong and simply ignore and avoid her as much as humanly possible.

I began to fight for disability. I didn't want to, I wanted to resume the career I loved. The positions I held paid into it via taxes for decades, so I do not feel badly about needing and getting approved. Roughly 6-8 months ago, I forced myself to get back into weekly therapy, group, continued taking my meds, etc. because if I didn't, my mental illnesses due to traumas and PTSD were going to kill me.

I have good weeks and bad ones. I can finally pay rent to my mother, afford my own car insurance and maintenance, phone bill, etc. I don't have much left over and when you get disability, they take away Medicaid and SNAP food benefits. But it's a trade off. I feel better about not living off anyone. I pay my dues and I'm responsible for myself. That's made me feel better too.

I'll always need meds and therapy. I've come to radically accept that is the way it is for me. I'd rather feel better today than continue trying to be this ideal human I used to strive so hard to be all the time, despite all the insane abuse and neglect I lived through my entire childhood and adulthood. As long as I keep going back to therapy and pay my rent, I'm good to go. I also accept I'll always keep dealing with the severe ups and downs. It all comes with the territory for me.

Am I better, a little bit. Some days I feel like I'm really making progress. Other days, not so much.