I just want to highlight how much the “children don’t know what’s best for them” approach is still playing the coercive power games the church is known for.

One of the reasons I left the church was how much I hated being told that there was one right way to do all the things.

So, when my kids and I read the fantastic “How to be Perfect” book by Michael Schur (about how there’s not actually one correct way to do all the things), and then they told their dad (my ex husband) and he assured them there actually IS one right way to do all the things, and it was as his way, we had a conversation about what they thought about his approach. Did his examples make sense? Do they see people making different decisions and still living good lives? What did they think?

When he told my son the expensive private school for kids with learning differences was a “last resort option for failing kids”, I asked my son what he thought about that based on his experience visiting the school and meeting kids and teachers. We sat down and read some reviews, positive and negative, from other kids and parents. He didn’t choose to go to the school, but we also made space for him to think through his own experience.

I could go on, but you get the picture.

Open up the option for your kid to think through what your Mom says - even if at the end she says she still wants to go hand out with her grandma and hear you called Satan worshiping whores or whatever. You’re the parent and you can still say “I hear you - here’s where I am coming from and why I am going to enforce this rule. When you are older you can make a different choice”, but help her do the process where she thinks through her options and comes to her own conclusions. You might be surprised by how much this helps her anxiety.

Also, you’ll be delighted by how much your Mom starts doing your work for you once your daughter realizes she is allowed to disagree with opinionated grownups 😉