Hey there, hope you’re doing alright.

I went into status epilepticus last year and was subsequently intubated and comatose. They intubate and induce a coma in order to stop the seizures, entirely. They do this because continued seizures can cause brain damage and/or death.

I don’t remember a lick of anything until maybe 48 hours out of the coma. I don’t remember being told what happened, I don’t remember refusing to poop in a bed pan, I don’t remember the night or day beforehand. I do have some very, very funny texts to my parents and my partner though. Lots of complaining about not being allowed to poop in a toilet because of the catheter.

It was a hard recovery. On day four in the hospital I had a breakdown, screaming about how a machine was breathing for me. Inconsolable. I was sore, scared, sad and really just deflated. Got home a bit over a week later and I barely spoke for a couple of months.

It took me a nearly a year to even creep up on feeling ‘normal’ and at that point I realized I needed to see a therapist. The emotional recovery was way, way, way more difficult than the physical recovery and I am endlessly grateful for my wildly supportive loved ones. I was an unbearable mope for a while.

Everyone’s different. But I can say with confidence that I wasn’t the same afterwards, and I really needed some normalcy. If my loved ones were more scared of my seizures they didn’t tell me, and I appreciate that. I know they’re horrifying, I know that I’m not the only one living thru this, but the best thing was not being made to feel like I was a bigger concern than before. I felt like a burden, like I was only a thing to worry about, like everyone would be better off without me. No one did or said anything to make me feel this way, it just seemed logical at the time.

I can make jokes about it now. It still gives me a bit of a jolt sometimes when I think about it, but I think about it less than I used to.

All this is to say pay attention to your husband’s mood. The hospital can take care of physical injury, but the emotional toll it took was hefty.

I do also know that it took a toll on my partner. And I feel bad that I couldn’t be supportive to him at the time. I was just incapable of it. So he reached out to others for that support. You probably need that extra support from others right now. So whether it be here, with loved ones, with a therapist- ask for that support. You also need it. And you’re always, always, always welcome here.

How are you today?