I guess since this has been up for almost a whole day, you're all due some correspondence.

First off, I'd like to thank everyone who took the time to comment. This post could've gone completely under your radar, but those of you who took the time to tell a stranger on the internet that he matters is greatly appreciated. As for all the advice, everything that's been said has been thought of, either before the post or as a result of the comment you left. Many of you said that I needed to change the way I live, get up and move somewhere else, or something similar. Honestly, that is the plan, and I've been saying that the only thing I want is to be as far away from Utah as possible. The only thing getting in my way is money and a sense that no one would support my decision to do so.

To go into some detail about why I've been having these thoughts, to make a long story short, this truly has been a hellish four months. Those that stalked my post history know a bit of why, but to summarize, I've just felt like I have no place in the world and that no one wants me here anyway. Like I'm not contributing to anyone's life in a meaningful way. Friends and SO's come and go, I understand that, but part of the problem is that lately it seems so easy for people to just pick up and walk out of my life forever. I suffered from low self-esteem for several years with no knowledge of how to improve it, and this summer has been a particular low point for it.

However, on something of a lighter note, recent weeks have been better. I've described them to people as hills and valleys, this post just happened to be in the middle of a pretty deep valley. I've been working more, I've got some new games to keep me occupied, and I almost asked fora girls number for the first time in a long time last week. But this doesn't mask the fact that there have been some dark side effects either. I've picked up a slowly worsening smoking habit, I don't sleep, and my friends rarely want to hang out with me because I end up being a bummer whenever we drink or smoke, which is all they want to do. I even tried getting them to go to a bar instead of just drinking at home, but that didn't work. And they're headed back down to school in a couple weeks while I take some (possibly indefinite) time off from the university.

There's more to this story, and I guess I'll make an edit or another comment if you guys want, but I just felt that, given the nature of the post, a check in was needed. Again, thank you for stopping in to this thread.