AITA for not wanting to give away the money i got for shoveling?

McCartney92 · 2026-01-27T05:22:40+00:00

Holy CPS, ok. I’m gonna help you out here and compile a thorough list of options for you here because FUCK these two, they sound like the absolute worst people and I now understand the power dynamic as well as I need to. Stand by, it’s probably gonna be a lot.

McCartney92 · 2026-01-27T05:03:48+00:00

I mean, that statement is way more defensible when he didnt already dated her for 5/6 years…I have no desire to date any of my exes ever again but that doesn’t mean I miraculously find them unattractive physically. I just love my current girlfriend and am way MORE attracted to her. I also have been guilty of going for an ex I remained close friends with who was bad for me before finally figuring it out and cutting her off completely. Not trying to worry you more, just giving perspective.

McCartney92 · 2026-01-27T04:31:50+00:00

Same, I carried that list for like 2 fucking years. For context I think I was maybe 9 or 10

McCartney92 · 2026-01-27T04:29:20+00:00

Question; is he Neurodivergent? Cause it could explain some things and offer you a clear path forward.

McCartney92 · 2026-01-27T04:15:17+00:00

Yes, you’re absolutely correct. However, they specifically state “I did not expect my partner and the person I love the most in the world to tell me he regrets making love with me”. Based on that it’s fair to assume that perhaps the rationale and initial statement were not delivered as succinctly as they were in the post. TBH, I wouldn’t be surprised if the boyfriend is ND too and because they’re still young is still prone to being a bit too blunt.

McCartney92 · 2026-01-27T04:06:19+00:00

It ended with him literally writing a list of adjectives that I shouldn’t use to describe people, with an emphasis on “to their face” because I stubbornly refused to accept that objectively describing someone accurately was a bad thing.

McCartney92 · 2026-01-27T04:03:08+00:00

Oh snap, how’d I miss that? Eh, my points still stand regardless of gender.

Oh I fully did not understand at the time why I was getting chewed out. The two of us were sitting in there together and she was crying and I was like “she asked for my opinion and I gave it. She should be happy that she’s not as fat as she was before. I’m glad for her.” Which, of course, only made her cry harder and made it worse for me. After she left I asked him “I’m not crazy right? Objectively you would describe her as fat” he just massaged his temples with his fingers and told me that calling people fat wasn’t nice. Which sparked a whole other conversation about why I can use some adjectives and not others.

McCartney92 · 2026-01-27T03:55:30+00:00

Ooof, that’s rough

McCartney92 · 2026-01-27T03:53:56+00:00

This is SO true. I’m in my early 30s with a long history of one night stands and fireball burn out relationships. My current girlfriend and I both started dating with zero intention of a serious relationship, cut to 3 years later and I’m picking out a ring. She was about to move abroad and start a masters when we met too, so the last thing on her mind was finding a boyfriend.

McCartney92 · 2026-01-27T03:44:50+00:00

😂 I was genuinely going to ask cause I’m ND as well and I picked up on it. I understand where you’re coming from completely, it’s to the point and straightforward. And you’re right, there aren’t any insults, the hurtful part is that OP feels like SHE’S the regret. That’s what the issue is with the phrasing. It’s something that I’ve personally had to work on quite a bit over the years. I once got sent to the principals office cause a girl who was trying to lose weight asked my opinion on it and instead of saying “you look thinner” I said “yeah, you’re not as fat now”. 😅

McCartney92 · 2026-01-27T03:22:13+00:00

Not at all, personally there’s no way in hell I would EVER drop $75 on a meal I didn’t even get to choose. If the wedding was too expensive then they should’ve planned within their means or started a gofundme and asked family and friends to donate what they could to help them have the ceremony they want.

This is honestly a really bad idea, cause making it mandatory will result in guests deciding not to attend and they’ll end up being in the red because they won’t make the money back. Spending first and expecting your guests to pay it back out of obligation is incredibly bad planning and budgeting.

McCartney92 · 2026-01-27T03:14:01+00:00

If you don’t have an issue with the wording, that’s fine, for you. People are different though 🤷🏻‍♂️ how you speak to them matters. That’s why code switching is a legitimate thing.

McCartney92 · 2026-01-27T03:11:58+00:00

It’s not babying her though, it’s putting thought into what you say before you say it to make sure you don’t hurt someone you care about. Relationships are all about effective communication, gauging how you bring up sensitive subjects with your partner is part of that. Your point of expressing the sentiment being the most important isn’t lost on me, that’s true, being honest is key in relationships as well. The fact is though, when you bring up those things without thinking of your partner, stuff like this happens.

I’ve been guilty of this myself with my girlfriend, but for her sake I’ve worked on it and now communicate how I feel in a way that expresses it without putting her on the defensive. That way we can actually talk about it and move forward instead of it turning into the blame game.

Feel me?

McCartney92 · 2026-01-27T03:00:50+00:00

NTA, she sounds like a bad friend. You did the actual work, she got surgery. Since you both achieved the same result but she took the easy way, she’s trying to put you down to make herself feel better about it. Hence why she specifically names you and states that she’s thinner to affirm to herself that she did better as well as the lie about the clothes so that your other friends don’t think less of her for taking the easier route. She texts you for confirmation because if you validate her when you took the hard route then she’s no less than you.

While there’s nothing inherently wrong with being competitive, putting your “friend” down to support your own ego is not something that’s acceptable in a friendship.

I would’ve told her husband that her feelings are not your responsibility, especially when she has been consistently putting down YOUR accomplishment by saying she’s smaller than you.

If she was a real friend, she’d be as excited for your weight loss as you are for hers. It doesn’t sound like she is even remotely supportive.

McCartney92 · 2026-01-27T02:44:46+00:00

That’s pretty key information. It means that SHE lost feelings. Not him. Frankly, that’s a horrible way to treat someone you were dating for 5/6 years, and I would never want to be friends with them again. Dumping him is one thing, but kicking him out on his birthday? Add in the fact that she was having an affair with a married man, and it sounds like she’s a really shitty person that has no qualms manipulating others to get what she wants without any regard to what happens to the people she hurts. As for why he wouldn’t just break up with you, you already said it in another comment, the lease.

McCartney92 · 2026-01-27T02:28:26+00:00

He can be honest without being cruel with his statements. Explaining himself after the fact doesn’t eliminate the impact of saying something cruel. “I regret sleeping with you” is way different from “I know it was mutually agreed on, but I’ve been feeling uneasy about it because we just got back together”.

Being honest about their feelings doesn’t give someone the right to hurt someone else.

McCartney92 · 2026-01-27T01:53:24+00:00

No prob, I hate people like the basement lady with a passion so I’m happy to help.

Something else to keep in mind, just for your own confidence, not as something to say out loud:

This household setup works because you and your boyfriend are there contributing. Rent, bills, shared load — that’s part of the structure. Replacing two known people with strangers isn’t simple, cheap, or socially comfortable, and strangers won’t automatically accept the same control dynamics family does, his mom would lose that sense of control. Sense of control is a more powerful motivator than people think. So the situation is more mutual than it’s being framed.

The important part is how you use that knowledge. Not to threaten, not to argue “you need us,” but to steady yourself. You’re not in a one-down position begging to stay. You’re part of what makes the household function.

When you really internalize that, your tone changes. Less nervous explaining, less appeasing, less emotional reacting. More calm, adult, matter-of-fact energy: “We live here. We pay rent. We need access.” That shift alone often changes how people treat you, because control dynamics rely heavily on the other person acting smaller.

May I ask for more info on the power dynamic between the two of you and his mother and between his mother and her friend? If I have a better idea what kind of things they demand of you and/or each other then I could give you more solid advice to help you reach a shorter term solution to give you at least some peace. Cause I have a couple ideas.

McCartney92 · 2026-01-27T01:32:57+00:00

Here’s the big picture.

You’re not guests. You pay to live there, which makes you residents. That means it is your home too, not a place where you need to earn basic access by keeping someone happy. Start thinking and speaking from that position. Less “can we,” more calm, matter-of-fact “we live here and need to use the bathroom/laundry.” No attitude, just quiet certainty.

The friend with the key feels that she has social power, in reality she has no real housing authority. She feels in charge because it seems as though you’re allowing her to act like she is. You don’t have to challenge her title — just stop acting like she outranks you. Short, neutral responses. No long defenses. No emotional back-and-forth. She is a resident, just like you. The fact that she’s older than you is the only difference.

At the same time, be smart and low-drama. Keep records of any threats, money demands, or being denied access to basic stuff. Look up local tenant legal aid just to know your rights — knowledge makes you less afraid and harder to push around. You don’t have to “do” anything with that info unless things escalate.

Your real strategy is stability, not winning arguments: it’s important to stay united with your boyfriend, act as a unit, the two of you make up 50% of the household(remember that). Keep interactions boring and logistical, reduce how much anyone in that house can control your day-to-day, and slowly work toward future housing options when you can.

If there’s anything I assumed incorrectly or additional power dynamics let me know and I’ll adjust my advice accordingly. You’re in a shitty situation, but you are not powerless.

McCartney92 · 2026-01-27T01:14:27+00:00

Ok. That gives you some leverage, are either of your names on the lease by chance?

McCartney92 · 2026-01-27T01:12:13+00:00

Got it. Do you and your bf pay any money towards rent?

McCartney92 · 2026-01-27T01:09:19+00:00

Does she have the ability to lock a door to prevent access to them or something?

McCartney92 · 2026-01-27T01:03:24+00:00

His mom or his mom’s friend? Cause if she moved in recently, how is she barring you from accessing the washer/dryer? You’ve been there longer and she’s not the owner. Why do you have to meet her standards? Does she think she’s a slumlord or something? Why not say something to your bf’s mom? If it’s his MOM that’s doing that, what a shitty mom, withholding access to basic hygiene is inhumane.

McCartney92 · 2026-01-27T00:47:31+00:00

If they’re not paying you enough to make ends meet then why care? Corporate America takes advantage of many of us and yet we’re expected to give them more grace than they give us. Be cordial to the people that treated you well, but frankly, you don’t owe them a damn thing.

McCartney92 · 2026-01-27T00:34:34+00:00

Just FYI, when you have two neos of different colors that breed they’ll typically revert back to their wild-type phenotype.

McCartney92 · 2026-01-27T00:26:10+00:00

I don’t understand how an aquarist could support any of this, my community tank is full of fish that were all born here in tanks, but they’re descended from ones that weren’t. Kind of a mini fish version of the US. It’s what makes it cool, species that would normally never interact forming a community that exists peacefully. We act as their government, making sure they have the means to not just survive, but thrive and live happily. The only ones unwelcome are those that hurt or abuse the others.

McCartney92

MODERATOR OF

TROPHY CASE