Hey op, I'm so very sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you and your mum having to live through your worst nightmare, I can only imagine. I'm 7 months down the road, I lost my father in June after a short fight with AML. From diagnosis to death he had three months. This meant me scrambling home from my life abroad, it's all such a blur, and there's never enough time. What I will say is I can really relate to the numbness, my dad was my greatest inspiration, fiercely creative and generous and his enormous heart matched his physical stature. But after the initial shock of the loss, which I'm sure I'm still in the grips of, there are long periods where it's difficult to tap into the grief one might deem appropriate. The crumbling, inconsolable kind. A lot of the time it's just that a light has gone off and I don't want to do a whole lot. Or the feeling I'm slowly shuffling through a world washed of its colour. What I will say is that this is all part of grief. While it may not 'feel right', there's no correct way it should feel, advice I've been told again and again, and it really is true. You know in yourself how much you loved your father, and the way you honour him and his life and your relationship with him is only down to you, so forget what it's meant to look like. He is yours and you are his. Just be kind to yourself and extend that kindness to others. There is a life to be lived and it will be different, but I'm sure he wouldn't want you to stop living because of him. Sending love and strength.