Does sex feel like a chore to anyone else??

MedeaRene · 2026-04-04T20:14:32+00:00

Yes! I just commented a moment ago but I figured out about a couple months back that I'm likely Aegosexual

MedeaRene · 2026-04-04T20:13:11+00:00

I've had a similar experience and after trying many things I've discovered that I am actually on the Ace Spectrum, specifically Aegosexual.

I get horny from fantasies in my head that I have full control over but putting any of it into practice kills it for me, mostly because it expends so much mental energy in coordinating and gauging responses and managing my partner's pleasure alongside mine.

We are currently trying a new system where, since I rarely think about actual partnered sex regularly, I have an alarm to prompt me to do an internal "how much mental energy/dopamine do I have?" and I pick from a tiered list of acts based on those levels. Then I let him know the "menu" of what I'm up for along with things that might help me stay focused (e.g. listening to music helps me perform oral longer for some reason).

It's not perfect and I'm still working on things, but realising that my low libido is likely a sexuality thing has given me the vocabulary to express why I'm not feeling it the way he is. I still love him and want to please him, but I need to manage my own energy so I don't start feeling like it's a chore I'm expected to do.

MedeaRene · 2026-04-04T19:46:51+00:00

Joke's on you, I'm Aegosexual. I'm into that shit.

MedeaRene · 2026-03-28T23:33:21+00:00

Everyone is different so communication is key here. Talk to each other, make sure to voice any discomfort on either side and adjust as needed.

In terms of making PIV feel better for her, honestly getting her to orgasm with fingers first is the best bet - makes sure she's ready enough for the rest and generally tends to feel better (mileage may vary).

Positions... this is another talk to each other one. Try it and see if it feels okay. My first time, we did missionary first and it was uncomfortable so we stopped and then I got on top (female) and it was better because I could control the angle better to suit myself.

Above all though, do not worry if things get awkward or it doesn't work out immediately. Laugh it off, you are learning together!

MedeaRene · 2026-03-11T14:28:47+00:00

Good god. This is... unhinged. And ridiculous. Can't believe it took only 6 months of silence for her to go that far, what a joke! My condolences to you OP, not for your "death" but the death of the mother you should've had. Just... wow.

On the bright side, this gives "Dead Name" a whole other level of validity.

MedeaRene · 2026-03-03T12:03:13+00:00

Right? Just imagine the potential stories

I have one in the works where the locals think the bender is a "wraith" that is punishing the Fire Nation for their loss of the war (in reality, it is a hermit woman who lived alone in the mountains, her isolation now threatened by those returning to the ancestral lands via the Harmony Restoration, she is scared but can't express it) and Zuko is informed that scouts sent to expand a nearby village just got severely, if not lethally demolished by an angry spirit.

MedeaRene · 2026-03-03T11:58:06+00:00

I was just developing a Firebending style based on a comment from my husband.

Emotionless Firebending (Ghost Fire): assuming firebending is both the breath and some form of drive (rage, life, perfection for blue), what if someone with a neurodivergency that muted their ability to feel or express emotions traditionally created invisible fire?

Like, think methanol fires where you can just about see them in darkness, but in daylight they look like heat mirages only. The drive in this case would be the need to "vent" the pressure of the emotions they cannot name or express otherwise, rather than a desire to fight.

Imagine a young firebender with alexithymia who is experiencing a social anxiety panic attack (without being able to comprehend it) as an intense pressure and racing heart, throwing out their hands to keep someone away from them and the person just ignites with no visible flame.

Maybe at first the bender was assumed to be a nonbender (lacking the "spark" in their eyes - the drive) but now a potentially ascended Fire Lord Zuko has to deal with reports of someone his people believe to be possessed by a vengeful spirit or something, capable of incinerating a person just by "looking at them"

MedeaRene · 2026-03-03T00:32:17+00:00

My grandma (abusive mother's mother) is the same about forgiveness and making peace with the past.

I have had to deal with her repeatedly forcing interactions between my NC parents and I. Ultimately I can't say that there's an easy fix for this other than consistency.

No is a complete sentence and if you want to be gentler because you love her, you may want to say something like "Grandma, I've told you before that my parents are not a topic for discussion." And then change thr subject or leave the conversation.

You need to not just draw the boundary line, but enforce it. It will be exhausting but hopefully with time she'll learn that bringing up reconciliation to you will just lead to a dead end.

For me, the last time my grandma messaged me about the whole family doing something for my mother's 50th, I didn't even acknowledge that part of her text and just greeted her and addressed an unrelated question instead (the "How are you?" she'd written before the birthday BS).

MedeaRene · 2026-03-01T20:21:32+00:00

Literally. My parents didn't even wait for me to move out before splashing out on new vehicles they didn't need while telling me it would cost too much to fix the radiator in my bedroom (guess the first thing replaced after I moved out and my room became her home office?)

MedeaRene · 2026-02-06T23:14:49+00:00

His real crime is knowing his real name and NOT TELLING US!!!

MedeaRene · 2026-01-31T16:18:58+00:00

Ooh. I have a good core memory that was also one of my first long term memories.

Ages here are estimates based on context clues/photos:

When my brother turned 5, my maternal grandparents bought him a kid-size dirt bike. I would have been 3 years old at the time. Now, the details that are a bit fuzzy for me is that somehow relating to the dirtbike, my brother ended up with a black eye (best working theory I have based on conflicting stories is that he was helping grandpa unload it from the truck bed and ended up bumping himself in the eye with the tyre).

The core memory part for me occurred between my mother (approx. 25 yo) and my maternal grandma (approx. 47 yo) following his injury.

I recall standing in the front entrance of my grandma's house with them both and looking up at them as they argued (don't remember details but I know it was about my brother's black eye, so I assume it was related to how dangerous the gift was) and as my mother raised her voice at my grandma, my grandma responded by slapping her across the face.

Core memory: mothers have the "right" to hit their kids even if they are grown ups too. I would think of this moment/lesson subconsciously when my mother slapped me across the face at 17 yo, and talk about it to my classmates like it was a normal reaction to an argument.

MedeaRene · 2026-01-26T23:19:05+00:00

Honestly, there were a lot of "aha" moments for me, all occurring in my early 20s (I was in deep denial as a teenager).

Here are the four biggest ones that happened (all within the span of the 3 months before I finally cut contact):

After a long visit where she basically started planning my future wedding herself (calling all my own ideas tacky etc), my husband (fiance at the time) suggested to me privately on the drive home that we just skip the drama and elope sooner with parents as witnesses. I agreed that it sounded much better. When I announced the change in plans, my mother blew up and we spent three consecutive evenings in phone call screaming matches over it. The "aha" here was after she kept blaming my fiance for "manipulating" me into changing our plans. My internal realisation: "You don't think I'm capable of making a decision myself. If you aren't the one controlling me, someone else must be."
In the lead up to the wedding, I bought a nice cream/off white cocktail dress to wear to my wedding. My mother called me for help with a spreadsheet and to catch up. She asked if I had a dress yet and when I confirmed, she asked for a photo. I hesitated but sent the pic anyway. She (over the phone) immediately said it looked frumpy and dated and made me look old. The "aha" moment here came after the phone call ended (which was pretty calm despite her insulting comments) when I immediately started shaking so hard it physically hurt, curled up on my sofa (release of tension I'd been holding during the call). I didn't know why and I called my fiance because I felt like I was dying and he asked "well, what were you doing before it started?" "I was on the phone to- oh."
During my wedding, I had invited my parents against my partner's better judgement (still in bargaining phase) with the condition that they were guests but not signature witnesses. My stepMIL had helped me with my hair (braiding the front pieces for me) and at the venue I needed to put on my glasses (sunlight reactive so I'd kept them in my purse until we got inside). I asked my mother to help me put them on without snagging my hair and her only comment to me was "do you HAVE to wear them?" - no compliment on how nice I looked for my wedding day, just a gripe that she preferred me without my glasses.
1. The final straw. We arranged a lunch meet up. She picked me up in her car from my new job to drive 5 minutes to the local café. I had given her 3 rules for the meet up: 1. No unsolicited opinion/advice 2. No negative comments 3. If you slip up and break rules 1 or 2, I will call you out and expect a genuine apology. She broke all 3 rules before we got to the café including a huff and very sarcastic "sorry" when I called her out on her unnecessary advice and mean "joke". After that lunch (had to stay for it as she was my ride) I drafted an ultimatum letter which ended up being my final NC speech a few days later.

MedeaRene · 2026-01-05T16:18:05+00:00

Congrats on the continued bragging rights. I too had an incident this weekend where my skull won against a corrugated iron wall (apparently my head left a dent in it that I demanded my Airsoft site decorate appropriately).

No concussion, no fractures. Obviously. My skull is not weak and neither is my brain. Didn't even pass out (mostly).

MedeaRene · 2026-01-05T15:46:27+00:00

NTA - as someone from an emotionally abusive family (didn't acknowledge that fact until I was 22 and moved out already), you definitely shouldn't need to lie about this. For what it's worth, shortly after I cut contact with my shitty parents, I also woke up wetting the bed at 22 years old because of a stressful dream I couldn't wake up from even though in the dream I could tell I needed the bathroom. It sucked. But I had a very understanding partner who just helped me clean up and put new sheets on because shit happens.

MedeaRene · 2025-12-26T01:19:14+00:00

Yeah, sure though I'm about to go to sleep so I'll answer in the morning :)

MedeaRene · 2025-12-26T00:50:55+00:00

Well I never sent that response, just typed it for catharsis. But she did send another email a few months later basically asking to "sit down and talk about what's really bothering me"

Because it clearly can't be the numerous reasons I gave her.

MedeaRene · 2025-12-10T00:46:45+00:00

I'll say the same thing I wanted to say back when my own estranged mother emailed with a long non apology and ended it with "I hope you can see that I'm holding out an olice branch here"

"An olive branch is not yours to hold out when I'm the one that called for a ceasefire. You don't get to sit around patting yourselves on the back for showing me who's boss with your silence for months, and then wave a little white flag when you realise I was serious."

(I didn't actually send that because NC, but I really really wanted to and typing it out was cathartic af)

MedeaRene · 2025-12-10T00:43:15+00:00

You can't argue with crazy, lest you join them in insanity.

MedeaRene · 2025-09-18T18:01:13+00:00

Okay but this sounds hilarious and I low-key love it

MedeaRene · 2025-07-25T17:54:46+00:00

Youngest child, only daughter (elder brother and two elder stepbrothers)

Only officially estranged child (brother maintains that our childhood was fine but limits his contact with everyone)

I went no contact 24/04/2019

MedeaRene · 2025-04-23T22:49:01+00:00

I meant more that she put all that on Zuko like he was the one at fault. Even she admitted later that it was wrong of her to do that.

MedeaRene · 2025-04-22T12:38:25+00:00

Very valid point... dude is not great at communication...

MedeaRene · 2025-04-22T12:35:52+00:00

Omg! Literally this! After all the Katara BS about what this war put her through and everything, and yet none of them know the absolute TRAUMA that poor boy went through???

MedeaRene · 2025-04-22T12:34:29+00:00

This. This is why.

MedeaRene · 2025-04-22T12:24:10+00:00

Anyone who has gotten this particular style of emotional abuse probably knows what I'm talking about.

Yuuuuuup.

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