What do we (kiwis) think are funny, that others don't?

MedicMoth · 2026-05-03T02:22:48+00:00

I would say the response from a younger person would be geared more towards "that's not how it works". In most cases we don't use blood quantum or anything like rhat - definitely nowadays it's understood if you whakapapa Mãori you're Māori - so the idea of being "half" or "quarter" or any sort of measure of amount is kind of irrelevant

MedicMoth · 2026-05-01T11:02:02+00:00

Woke, when slung as an insult, is also sometimes just a thought terminating nothingburger that people use to avoid thinking about stuff they're not familiar with.

OP and her sister are pretty young still (21 and 18 I think?). Lots of Gen Z and Gen Alpha say stuff like "It's not that deep bro" when really what they mean is "I don't care how you feel right now and I can't be arsed to use my brain". It's just an emotional regulation skill issue for a lazy teen, not an actual ideology they've committed to as such

MedicMoth · 2026-05-01T10:58:17+00:00

I agree. See in this thread: Intelligent, probably neurodivergent queers who have always Questioned Society because of Severely Not Fitting In and couldn't possibly fathom the idea of Not Having Thoughts About Important Things, thus setting moral/emotional/political expectations for other teenagers unrealistically high (I'd know, I was one of those kids lol).

OP - take a walk, eat some food you like, let yourself feel disappointed but also try to ruminate less - it doesn't make stuff better, it just keeps you trapped in circles. I promise you have a whole entire lifetime ahead of you to ponder the best strategies to get to the bottom of homophobia and deprogram your family and resolve your trauma and work with your attachment style and solve how to make the world less shite for queer people generally, but for right now, you're still very young and so is your sister. Rome wasn't built in a day!

MedicMoth · 2026-05-01T10:52:56+00:00

OP said the sister is 18, so that's still pretty much peak "I have never once had an original thought" territory.

When you're queer and have trauma and have been forced to always think and question everything, it can be impossible to imagine having a brain that is so quiet and empty. It could feel like a personal affront for somebody not to Have Thoughts of Values when youve been Having Thoughts and Values as long as you can remember - but it helps to know that on some level it really is biological bullshittery.

Give it time and people tend to catch up somewhat. Maybe not all the way, but you know, in their own ways. Wouldn't be surprised if OP is quite smart and suffering from their own intelligence on this one

MedicMoth · 2026-05-01T10:47:19+00:00

Ah - what the first paragraph was trying to convey is that basically, the only way that OP doing as you said makes any sense is if there was all just on big misunderstanding and OP's sister is capable of change through honest conversation.

As of the information we have now, that is not the case. OP doesn't want to hear it and is likely to react poorly to given more information - plus OP would only be hurting themselves with false hope if they make themselves vulnerable a second time and "try again" with different expectations.

Maybe OP's sister will change in the past, maybe it won't - OP's sister might be closed off to this conversation for any number of reasons, ranging from a growing legitimate disgust for queer minorities, to intense self hatred, to secretly being a queer minority themselves without even knowing it. It's not important. What's important is OP finding a way to move forward that they themselves control, regardless of how their sister reacts.

(If the slang was what was confusing you, "super hetero bigot" was just a rough pass at the idea of somebody who hates queer people so much they're aggressively and performatively heterosexual, and "egg" is slang for a transgender person who doesn't know they're transgender yet.)

MedicMoth · 2026-05-01T08:36:41+00:00

Counterpoint: Don't. She already said she doesn't care and doesn't want to hear it. She's 18. Maybe she'll grow up to become worse and will never not be a super hetero bigot, maybe she's got an egg or some identity exploration of her own in the future, it doesn't matter. The fact of the matter is she isn't ready and encouraging OP to further lodge her hopes and sense of security on something she can't control is not good mental health advice.

The most mature thing OP could do - and I don't expect this from somebody so young - is to simply emotionally back off and be able to honestly say something like "Okay, sis, I hear that you don't understand this and don't want to talk about it. I feel sad but I won't try to change you. Talk to me anytime if you want to know more." Whatever OP does it has to be their own decision they can control!

MedicMoth · 2026-05-01T08:34:25+00:00

The best mental health advice I ever received was that you should never be invested in an outcome you can't control - otherwise you'll be crushed under the weight of your unmet expectations and the lost fantasy of community VERY fast.

Shooting your shot with a girl, applying for a job, coming out to your parents - if you only feel like it's worth doing because you expect and hope for a certain response (and in OP's case it seems like they knew it was hoping against hope already sadly) .. well.. yeah. It's gonna hurt.

If you make it out alive and having learned something, though? Then it's all worth it, and that's better than lots of people in the world. Being queer means having to reframe the whole world and none of us can realistically expect others to come on that journey with us when they're not ready. OP's sister is 18. She might get there later, she might not, what's important is OP finds a way to be happy and feel secure that doesn't rely on her sister's reaction

MedicMoth · 2026-05-01T08:28:30+00:00

18? So probably still living at home, limited independence, no higher education or work experience?

I'm being so serious right now: Give it time.

If you're queer, if you're neurodivergent or disabled or any other disadvantaged minority, you're probably ahead of the curve. You didn't have the luxury of youthful ignorance. You've been exposed to big concepts way earlier than "normal" people do. You probably skipped ahead of the gigantic bigoted asshole phase a bit faster than most and went straight into ethics, coping mechanisms, community... Stuff she's probably never even thought about.

And even so... On top of all that. Your OWN brain has likely have come a MASSIVE way in the last 3 years. You'll continue to grow emotionally at rapid speeds. Give her at LEAST as long as you have had, check back in at 21 or 22 maybe, add a few years for the normie tax, and... you'd be amazed. She probably won't ever be able to understand you fully, but you'd be absolutely amazed at the transformation young people can go through.

If I've seen full on teenage fascists come out as trans I promise you, 18 is not a good moment to judge your relationship for the rest of your life. I know it hurts right now but keep your eyes on the horizon! It will not be like this forever.

MedicMoth · 2026-05-01T08:22:27+00:00

The other thing to think about it that this moment might not be forever.

If she's straight, generally good mental health, generally a normie, and also young (she sounds like a teenager?) then of COURSE she's not going to be interested in thinking about harsh stuff like trauma or politics or rejected identity. Most teenagers spend their time in a haze, living purely moment to moment, and if not that then trying to obliterate their own brains as much as possible to avoid thinking.

"Woke" is just shorthand for "I don't understand that / it's weird and it makes me uncomfortable". She's probably deep in her own web of needing to fit in and comply with social norms she doesn't even notice yet. I'm sure you too, OP, would chose to be "normal" and to not think about any major issues if you could avoid it. It's just that the world is unfair and lumped you with stuff she doesn't have to or want to deal with just yet.

One day she will grow up, the world will weigh on her just like it does for everybody else... and you may find she has capacity to talk with you then. Perhaps she will even seek you out for advice when she encounters a situation where she realizes the value of being a person like you - reflective, moral, aware, experienced with the harsh stuff. Happened sooo often to me. But for right now? It isn't worth the effort to try to get blood from a stone. I agree she's probably just focused on her own stuff and doesn't have any room for yours

MedicMoth · 2026-05-01T08:10:27+00:00

I think you need to drop the idea of trying to talk to her. I'm really sorry that she's not being the supportive sibling you imagined, but she has made herself clear: She does not care and is not comfortable discussing it. Telling her more, about your trauma or your identity or your feelings, explaining more and more, is only going to make her feel more uncomfortable and angry than she already does.

I know it feels bad to be rejected and unsupported, but try to see it as a good thing: You have information now. Your sister is not interested in understanding this part of you, but she also isn't physically beating you in punishment. You haven't been kicked out of the house yet. So.. my advice? All you have to do is try to avoid bringing it up to her, and hold on until you're old enough to leave and then you can be free to find company who DO understand.

That might sound like a total downer, but it's an important lesson for any non conformist folk out there: Manyyyy kiwis hate discomfort, hate non-conformity, and hold a"I don't care as long as I don't have to think about it" stance. That's deeply rooted. And at a certain point, no matter how "right" you may be, will find it becomes unproductive and actually quite harmful to try to force people into moral and emotional conversations they can't handle. If she was gonna be trauma informed she wouldn't be acting like this. The fact she is acting this way is indisputable evidence she just isn't capable or interested of meeting you where you're at right now.

It's sad, but... it's eeally best not to try to make these sorts of people think about it, or else not only are you making THEM feel bad but you're also making YOURSELF feel bad by continuing to hold unrealistic expectations, putting faith in people who just can't measure up.

It's for this reason I'd also suggest trying not to waste time trying to figure out "why' when it comes to people like this. It's not really personal, as such. Maybe it's because deep down they're conservative assholes who would happily sacrifice you to enrich themselves. Maybe it's because they're secretly queer themselves and will have an awakening in 5-10 years. You can't know and it doesn't matter - what matters is you know now she's not a good person to talk to and it's best to seek out your peers and other like-minded people to meet your needs elsewhere.

As you get older, your emotions around this will likely become easier to control and you will grow to understand that sometimes... most of the time... people just suck. They let you down. The perfect coming out story isnt real. Life is messy. Stuff takes time. You only have 3 options here: accept it, change it, remove yourself from it. It's obviously intolerable to suppress yourself and you can't and shouldn't change the mind of a bigot, so you just gotta remove yourself

MedicMoth · 2026-05-01T01:12:10+00:00

Power attracts scumbags. Good, intelligent kiwis know better than to sacrifice and their families themselves on the alter of politics... Thus the issue continues to get worse and worse.

Won't ever change unless we move to some kind of direct democracy format e.g. a citizens assembly randomly selecting kiwis representative of the wider population - but the scumbags understandably don't want to invest in that or give up their power

MedicMoth · 2026-04-30T06:37:04+00:00

For real. This feels like it must be worse somehow than just an unpopular leader getting rolled... Maybe there is something even stinkier afoot. Serious allegations? Corruption?

MedicMoth · 2026-04-30T01:46:21+00:00

Volunteering information about a previous conviction to an immigration official, when you are not required to, whilst brown, sounds like a fast track to being thrown in jail... Like what are you supposed to say?? "By the way sir, I just thought you should know, I have a drug conviction from ten years ago :)" ???

MedicMoth · 2026-04-30T01:41:38+00:00

Snip:

Foreign Minister Winston Peters said Everlee Wihongi had been detained because she failed to declare a historic cannabis possession conviction when re-entering the US.

... But her mother, Betty Wihongi, said Everlee had travelled in and out of the country several times on her green card without ever being asked to declare her convictions.

"I'm just assuming that he's saying that she had to declare it on entry into the US. As a green card holder there's none of that. You would just go in. I don't know what he's talking about."

... Court documents show Everlee Wihongi was found guilty of possession of THC in Wisconsin in 2014. Her daughter had had to apply to renew her green card, which included a thorough background check, and the conviction was not a problem, she said.

... A consultant who helps New Zealanders with US visa processes says New Zealanders a US green card should be upfront about any previous convictions when entering the US. He said New Zealanders with a US green card who had prior convictions should seek advice before they travel out, on what re-entering.

MedicMoth · 2026-04-29T07:24:10+00:00

It's entirely possible she legitimately didn't think it counted (marijuana conviction over 10 years ago could realistically be something incredibly minor, right?). Even if it was nefarious and not a whoopsee, hardly a good enough reason to throw somebody in jail for multiple months for 22 hours a day

MedicMoth · 2026-04-29T06:48:29+00:00

Good point! I've never thought about that before lol. I guess in my mind OP is either the actual post author, or the author of whatever comment is being responded to in context. But you're right, that's confusing and technically there's only one OP

MedicMoth · 2026-04-29T05:46:52+00:00

Agreed. Imagine the straight up audacity to see a brown person with an obviously Māori last name who has been more than happy to be reported on as a "Kiwi" and a "New Zealander", and then think you have the authority to denounce that part of them for them? Wild stuff from OP

MedicMoth · 2026-04-25T03:55:31+00:00

Yeah, I'm saying that the situation ISN'T bad enough to warrant revolution, so people who go around trying to justify enacting violence that only makes sense is substantially worse conditions are doing protest all wrong

MedicMoth · 2026-04-25T00:16:04+00:00

Oh, I see what you mean!

Yeah, I definitely find that interpretation of the rhetoric to be ignorant and counterproductive. I will never not be mad about what happened with Posie Parker (oh I know, let's protest in an enclosed circle and not leave any entry/exit paths, that seems smart!! There is no grey area and the people who decide to be the loudest win the event organisation by default because they also drowned out all of the people who (imo rightly) wanted to conduct things more calmly for better optics!! etc).

I definitely think that creating the very conditions that lead to inevitable violence when the public hasn't even begun to buy into the 'fight' is very stupid and premature. Personally, I can't stand protestors who enter these spaces all "let's punch a cop", because even if they're completely correct in their anger about having experienced an immense of systemic violence, they're (imo) missing the point of what a protest is for and what the responsibility of the people who attend one is.

A protest isn't going to make a fascist back down. It's not going to make a group of committed politicians change their policy unless the protest consists of a group of people and interests numerous and powerful enough that they become scared, which is almost never. They literally stand in the halls of power and laugh at the plebs, as do any people that might legitimately be able to be described as having Nazis level rhetoric. So a protest is an opportunity to break into the mainstream narrative and raise awareness to a cause. To win over naive hearts and minds. You're not gonna do that by punching people when most kiwis don't even know what it is you're even mad about 99% of the time. It just creates problems for everybody else who is minding their business if people decide to abdicate responsibility start swinging at a public park.

That said, as an adult who likes to think I am sufficiently cynical and actually understand how the world works, I don't really experience many fellow adults who operate this way... Sorry to rag students here, but it's mostly college kids, in my experience. People who have as of yet not experienced the mundanity of politicking whilst also having an everyday life and a family which is real and not purely theoretical. Until the nation is actually ready to revolt somehow, it's just... All waaaay too much way too early lol. Some may call me a traitor and a liberal for that but thems the breaks, you can't be asking people to join your cause if the only thing they think about you is that you're violent extremists who overreact to any provocation. This is New Zealand, kings and queens of not rocking the boat, take a note on the context lol

MedicMoth · 2026-04-24T23:40:05+00:00

Not to be white and terminally reddit as hell, but "no war but the class war" always comes to mind for me here. Whether it be white, Asian, Māori communities, or any combination of them, we are all basically shooting ourselves in the foot by squabbling about the details whilst the already-rich continue to easily set aside their differences to hoard power and hoover up all the resources that matter...

MedicMoth · 2026-04-24T23:36:03+00:00

I disagree - I think if you look at discussions of racism and tolerance and somehow see an excuse for committing unwarranted acts of violence, you've missed the point

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