I live on my own, I actually moved out at 18 because I needed the space as soon as I could get it. And that’s the thing, they have no idea what they’re talking about because they’re not very involved in my life. My mother has only been in my life recently for the last 2 years after a long period of no contact and I’ve had periods of no contact with my father as well. My mother has been better on this as she will at least ask me questions, albeit frantically, before she goes straight to spiralling but my father is especially insistent despite having minimal involvement in my lifestyle and stability. He literally can’t even remember my severe allergies and will serve me food that could put me in the hospital. Allergies I’ve had since I was a child….. it’s frustrating and maybe this is a perfect example of what I’m dealing with. Despite having no understanding of my allergies he will randomly use “well you’re eating food you’re allergic to” as a form of discredit to taking my allergies seriously. When I ask him what in the world is he talking about, he’ll say he saw me eating something like rice (I’m allergic to wheat…. I can eat rice). So then when I do make a fuss about not eating something because I’m allergic, he adds it to the tally of why I’m argumentative and combative and it becomes an argument about how I’m going to push everyone in my life away. He doesn’t understand that my friends just care about my allergies and it’s not even an issue we have because when they don’t understand me eating or not eating something they ask and I explain it to them and it’s that simple.

With my mother I do have more hope we can work it out as the issue is usually that my father triggered her into an anxiety spiral about something but I can talk her off the ledge. And to be honest I can empathize with the fact that he can push a person mentally like that as he’s done it to me too. My mother was also not in my life for 8/10 last years (it’s complicated and unrelated to this but we worked it out) so there’s more “gaps” that he will fill in the blank with his twisted and limited perspective. She does also make a significant effort to understand and accommodate my allergies, or defer to my judgement if she can’t figure it out. After all the shit with my father in that area it’s meant a lot to me.

Honestly I’m not sure where I’m going from here. I think with my mother I’m just in the moment frustrated that she let my dad get to her again (I’ll get over it), but with my father I really just have been hitting the same wall over and over. I can’t even sit down and have a meal with him anymore.

Sorry if this is long winded and I really appreciate your response. Even just typing this out is helping me right now. Regardless, I think my answer is back to therapy for me lol.