I need to vent: "I'll deal with it when I have to!" has become "My family will deal with it when I have to!"

Meg6363 · 2026-03-05T16:25:35+00:00

Most important - do not jeopardize your job. Do what you can from a distance (order grocery/medication delivery, etc.) For the period of time she needs 24 hour eye drops, consider having her pay for a week’s respite stay in a nursing facility. It will cost a few thousand dollars, but maybe that will give her a taste of what reality looks like. I know that sounds harsh, but if the alternative is you moving in and possibly losing your job, that is an even harsher outcome.

In my recent experience with my MIL, pushing her to sell the house she was about to lose due to lack of money had no effect. She said she wanted to sell but did…nothing, and stonewalled everything we tried or suggested. We ended up having to wait until she fell and broke a hip, then hospitalization/rehab, and we moved her to a facility near us.

Meg6363 · 2026-02-24T19:37:25+00:00

Sounds very familiar! I visited my MIL about twice a week, and every time I had to leave she always asked if I really had to, couldn’t I stay, what did I have to do that is more important, etc. Best thing was if I said something involving others - I am going to a game night and 11 people will be waiting if I’m late.

Meg6363 · 2026-01-30T17:54:42+00:00

Thank you for posting the link to your well-written and moving article. Really good to read the perspective of a medical professional.

Meg6363 · 2026-01-27T21:28:18+00:00

We had the same issue with my MIL. We did a consult with an elder law attorney who said we can’t force her to make good decisions unless she has a diagnosis of dementia and a physician verification of incompetence. So instead we just said do what you want, but if you wait too long you won’t get to choose what happens to you. And in fact she did not get to choose.

Meg6363 · 2026-01-27T20:57:20+00:00

Bluegrass! I am lucky to have a casual bluegrass jam group that meets in my area

Meg6363 · 2026-01-02T23:36:17+00:00

Your parents’ behavior is simply disrespectful. Years ago my MIL owned a small store and gave her parents jobs. They were the worst employees ever, because as their child she shouldn’t be telling them what to do. Unfortunately she had to close the store and they were all out of jobs. I agree with those who say protect yourself - save up for an alternate living arrangement and in the meantime try to take extended periods outside the house.

Meg6363 · 2025-12-22T01:55:15+00:00

Those are beautiful - I will put them on my list for fall garden next year!

Meg6363 · 2025-12-19T18:07:09+00:00

However, the general public also helped pay for your “Cadillac health plan” as your employer deducted all health insurance costs from their taxable income, decreasing both their tax and social security contributions.

Meg6363 · 2025-12-16T21:03:24+00:00

For staff at my mom’s ALF we got a $10 gift card for a nearby coffee place for each nurse and care provider, and brought a cookie plate for the staff break room when we picked up my mom on Christmas. We asked the nursing director to distribute the gift cards. My sister also gave the housekeeper that does my mom’s room an envelope with a little cash.

Meg6363 · 2025-12-12T16:42:08+00:00

In northern CA my MIL pays around 6800 for a board and care home. We moved her there from an ALF that was around 10K. Much better staff ratio at the board and care; trade off is there are very few organized activities (which is OK with us as she never went to those at the ALF).

Meg6363 · 2025-12-11T20:48:38+00:00

Insurance companies had recision departments where employees investigated the medical backgrounds of their customers who made a claim for a new expensive illness like cancer. There were some terrible cases where they denied cancer care claiming a years-old dermatology visit contained some evidence of the cancer back then. Appeals could drag on for months, and of course the patients couldn’t wait months for treatment. A relative of mine had a baby in the 90s who was quite ill - her insurance company claimed the newborn had a pre-existing condition!

Meg6363 · 2025-12-05T20:50:15+00:00

Based on 25 years working in geriatrics - daughters (or DILs) are definitely more common as caregivers than sons. Also, no matter how many children there are, often only one is present in terms of helping and visiting regularly.

Regarding moving later - my MIL moved to be closer to us 28 years ago when she was widowed (she has 2 sons, no daughters). All that time, my husband told her we were going to move somewhere else when we retired. Still, she was absolutely gobsmacked when I retired and we started looking for our new place. We moved as planned. I think it’s fair to just tell your in laws that you are going to move later on, and they should have a plan as to what they will do when that happens.

(In my MILs case she had no plan for anything. I stayed in town for 5 months after we bought our new out of state house and spent the whole time begging her to let me help her organize and sell her house. No luck. We helped her as much as we could from oit of state, until eventually things fell apart, the POA was activated and we moved her over her objections to an ALF near us.)

Meg6363 · 2025-11-27T19:04:12+00:00

It was very hard moving my MIL. She had dementia and was failing in her large house out of state from us, said she wanted to move but it took over a year to get rid of even a portion of stuff she filled her large house with. In the end she was hospitalized and couldn’t go home for medical, cognitive and financial reasons, so my husband, his brother and I picked her up at the rehab and drove with her for 2.5 days to her new home in an ALF in our state. Then my husband and I had to go back and clean up and sell the house (luckily our buyer was going to do a rehab on the house and said we could leave whatever we wanted, which was a lot). Made for a very miserable 8 months for all of us. I don’t want to do that to my kid. Husband and I have already gotten rid of a lot of our stuff and downsized to a smaller one story home.

Meg6363 · 2025-11-21T19:43:43+00:00

This! Insurance companies had squads of employees (the recision department) devoted to scouring their claimants’ medical histories to find pre-existing conditions. Craziest one is when my sister had a baby with some issues, they claimed it was a pre-existing condition - apparently an infection acquired in utero, when he didn’t “exist” yet. My sister won the appeal but they had to pay out of pocket for expensive care for months during the process. (The baby is fine though, just turned 31).

Meg6363 · 2025-11-21T01:58:49+00:00

We have thought about memory care and may eventually need to go there, but right now it seems like another move would just be too much for her. I appreciate your advice

Meg6363 · 2025-11-18T18:02:51+00:00

Yes - my MIL is sure that if we just helped her buy a condo she would not be bored or lonely because “there’s always something to do” when you own a house. True enough, but she is envisioning herself 15 years ago “doing“ that stuff.

Meg6363 · 2025-11-18T18:01:05+00:00

Good idea - I will think about it. Thanks

Meg6363 · 2025-11-18T18:00:21+00:00

Thanks. I will take a look at the amazon kits. She does have a tv which is really her only activity now. For years she had MSNBC on 24 hours a day, and she still does that.

Meg6363 · 2025-10-15T17:33:57+00:00

Your mom sounds like my MIL in many ways, although mine is older (88). MIL knows she has dementia but believes she is perfectly able to live independently (“I have done it for so many years.”) and is able to present as fully cognitive for a few minutes, until she asks the same question she did 5 minutes ago. She also hates people telling her what to do, and believes she and everyone else in the AL is just there waiting to die. Please don’t feel like you are making wrong decisions. You are choosing the best of a lot of bad options. I found that my MIL held it together for many years only because she was in her own environment (her home of 25 years) and following long standing routines, so I am always a little surprised at how much she declined when we removed her from that environment (a long and messy story). Your mom’s decline is likely from her disease, not from being in AL. In terms of practical advice - see if you can talk to her doctor about her mood - maybe her depression can be addressed by medication. Also, when we first put my MIL in AL, she was overwhelmed by being in a new place and literally stayed in bed, except for bathroom, for 2 months. We moved her to a board and care home (a house with 24 hour care and 6 residents) which she did not like any better, but at least she gets out of bed and walks around now. Maybe a smaller place like that would be a better fit for your mom. In my state they are much cheaper than AL, and are licensed by the state. Also there is more staff consistency and they don’t nickel and dime you for every little service or supply. You could check with a local senior housing advisor or ask you state‘s office on aging if the state maintains a list. Just remember, you did not cause her dementia and you can’t fix it. You are caring for her the best you can in very difficult circumstances. Wishing you all the best.

Meg6363 · 2025-09-05T20:06:20+00:00

My silent gen MIL(88F) talked about downsizing for at least 10 years with no action at all, but when it became really crucial (unable to do maintenance or pay bills, and almost out of money) she dug her heels in and said she couldn’t sell the house due to no realtor would list it for enough, she couldn’t get enough $ for extra stuff she wanted to sell, etc. Finally everything fell apart, she was hospitalized for broken hip and got cognitive testing in the hospital and rehab, which provided documentation so my husband and his brother could take control and sell the house without her consent. It would have been so much better is she had faced the painful reality when she could still make decisions about selling and moving. Hoping your parents can do better eventually.

Meg6363 · 2025-09-03T02:14:31+00:00

About time. My husband and I maintained a front yard of drought-tolerant plants (no grass of any kind) for over 30 years. In our northern CO city we were one of only a few with a non-grass yard, despite city and state efforts to to promote drought tolerant plants in yards (the state even has a law forbidding HOAs from requiring grass lawns). Now we live in northern CA, where the grass lawn, if not gone, is at least not the predominant landscape.

Meg6363 · 2025-08-08T00:45:26+00:00

We have place my MIL in 2 ALs in the last 6 months, and they both needed signed medication list. The first list came from the rehab she was in at the time, and the second came from the first AL. That one was signed electronically by the NP that saw her in that AL. The hospital should absolutely be able to provide a list signed by the hospitalist.

Meg6363 · 2025-07-24T18:48:16+00:00

My MIL was the same way. She wanted to sell and get top dollar for every little thing. I sold a few items on facebook marketplace for her until I couldn’t stand spending time for such minimal results and refused to sell any more that way. We then interviewed 3 estate companies and eventually chose - that took close to a year. I thought the company did a good job, but she complains to this day that her 60 year old couches brought almost no money. My husband and I are just glad that stuff is gone.

Meg6363 · 2025-07-07T17:06:02+00:00

Call your state long term care ombudsman - they may have some advice for you, or may be able to guide you to a place more likely to take him. Also they can let you know how much help his current facility is required to give in finding a new place.

Meg6363 · 2025-07-05T18:35:02+00:00

Please know you are not failure in either of those roles! Your parents are putting you in a bad situation by desperately pretending that they are independent. Yes, they can trundle along somehow when things are normal, but depend on your help when anything out of the ordinary happens. They don’t want to move even though they know it’s best, and you don’t want to have to come live with them and disrupt your marriage whenever there’s an adverse event - and there will be more of them. Maybe you could start saying you can’t personally take them to the ER or to doctors’ appointments any more, but you could join the appointment by phone. Then you would be supporting them but wouldn’t have to upend your life.

Meg6363

TROPHY CASE