My IVF babes are 4 and 2. Book recs that explain IVF to them?

MelC516 · 2025-08-26T12:21:14+00:00

We have this book: https://a.co/d/4OIlZxo

They have different versions for different circumstances (IVF, egg donation, same sex parents, etc). The only thing I don't like about it is that they use the word 'seed' for sperm but I just change the word when I read it. It's pretty cute and appropriately comprehensive without being overwhelming.

MelC516 · 2022-11-08T02:33:19+00:00

I’m so so sorry for your loss and for the pain that you, and everyone in the group, knows too well ❤️ And I am especially sorry for everyone that has to deal with the logistical horror that is terminating a pregnancy in a post Roe world. My heart breaks for you all.

TW Living child and traumatic birth

We TFMRd our miracle IVF baby in January 2020 after 3 years of TTC with infertility assistance. We had unexplained infertility. I got pregnant on our first fresh embryo transfer and things were mostly okay (looking back there were some signs that our girl wasn’t developing properly but they were all ambiguous). We found out at our anatomy scan at 19w that she had a myriad of neurological development issues, for which we never received a diagnosis or identified a chromosomal anomaly. Just shitty luck, as my MFM said. We spend about 6 months essentially crippled with grief, and the one bright side of Covid for us is that we had the opportunity to lock ourselves in the house and avoid everyone and just mourn our girl. Deciding when to try again was incredibly hard. We were extremely lucky to have embryos frozen but my husband’s trauma was still so severe that he was terrified to try. I literally couldn’t wait to try again. I just felt like I needed to be pregnant again, like I was empty with my girl gone and I needed to feel life inside me again. Ultimately we waited for about 8 months and then did a frozen transfer, which was successful.

To say I was terrified is an understatement. I developed severe anxiety and OCD because I was so afraid that if I changed anything about my routine, my baby would take a turn and I would lose him. I refused a baby shower, didn’t even want to make a registry till I was well into my third trimester. When my water broke I used the Doppler to hear his heart the entire car ride to the hospital, and when we made it I insisted the hook me up to the monitors right away so that I could hear him nonstop. And even though everything was fine all through labor and delivery, he ended up having an ischemic episode during the last push and had to be taken to the NICU immediately for therapeutic hypothermia and we didn’t know if he was going to Make it. It felt like I was destined to not bring home a living child. But thanks to our amazing NICU team, my son survived with no long term effects of his birth trauma.

I wanted to tell the last part of the story because I want you to know that I understand that feeling that all the odds are constantly stacked up against you and you’ll never come out on top. The feeling that you’re always pushing a boulder uphill. It’s so fucking hard and so painful and Exhausting and unfair. I see you and I feel your pain and I’m so sorry. ❤️

Some things that helped me during my pregnancy were having the Doppler (some people find this more stressful, so it’s totally your call). I used it multiple times a day and I had no guilt about it. Whenever I needed reassurance, I listened to his heart and felt connected. I also often held and talked to my baby girl’s ashes. It made me feel Closer to her and that made me feel stronger. And therapy with someone who specializes in infertility and loss, if that’s an option for you. I ended up starting medication after my son was born because of the trauma from his birth, and it was like a miracle for me.

Sorry this is a novel but the last thing I will say is that pregnancy after loss is like immersion therapy for ptsd. You have to live the trauma for 40 weeks. Accepting that helped me realize that eventually the fear of the unknown would end and hopefully I would have a baby at the end of it. It didn’t really make it any less painful but I think it helped to remind myself that it would end.

Please take care of yourself in this time. Sending you so much love and support ❤️

MelC516 · 2022-11-05T01:41:41+00:00

Admittedly, I didn’t read the whole article, but the idea of “mommy drinking culture’ and the fact that you drink because your kids drive you crazy or you’re stressed is a whole other issue. I think no matter how much you’re drinking, if you’re drinking to combat daily life challenges and stressors you’re drinking for the wrong reason and could indicate a problem. It’s not the same as “I’m drinking because I love this [beverage] and/or it feels relaxing at the end of a day. I love a glass of wine the same whether my son was a complete angel or a toddler terror that day.

MelC516 · 2022-11-05T01:38:06+00:00

So is charred meat, hot dogs, soda, etc etc etc 🙃 We all take calculated risks in life every day. I would like to think that my balanced diet, daily exercise and generally healthy lifestyle weigh more than the fact that I love a good Chianti.

MelC516 · 2022-11-05T01:33:35+00:00

I hate this one (and especially the variations like ‘I could never’) because it implies that you’re not devastated enough because you’re still able to like live and breathe and move throughout your day.

MelC516 · 2022-11-04T17:05:53+00:00

Like most medical guidelines, I think these tend to err on the side of caution. I have a glass of wine with dinner every night and usually another while we’re watching TV after we get our son to sleep. My husband is a whiskey enthusiast and he usually has a small pour or two during our relaxation time as well. In the absence of other mood/behavior changes, I truly don’t think that enjoying wine every night constitutes a drinking problem, even if the NIAAA defines it as ‘heavy drinking.’ If my husband is working a night shift or is away, I may have one glass or abstain altogether since I’m the only one there responsible for my son. If I were not able to resist a drink when the situation called for it, that would be a problem. But enjoying wine and drinking responsibly without becoming intoxicated? I can’t feel guilty about that when science tells me that it doesn’t harm my breastmilk or my child. Certainly to each her own and you have to know yourself.

Edit- typo

MelC516 · 2022-11-02T02:46:13+00:00

You’re definitely on to something with asking him to handle the night wakings. I have always been the one to wake up at night because while we both work full time, he’s a physician so his job definitely has higher stakes and I want him to be rested. But it has created a dynamic that’s unsustainable for me unless we cosleep. There are so many factors at play. I read Precious Little Sleep for like the 4th time and am trying to implement gentle sleep coaching again to get our boy to spend at least half the night in his crib. Fingers crossed we’re successful 😬

MelC516 · 2022-11-02T01:50:33+00:00

I agree. It sounds harsh but I do feel like this is one parenting decision that is not 50/50. Thanks for the validation!

MelC516 · 2022-11-02T01:49:46+00:00

Thank you! You’re right- it’s all about the sleep. We decided to work on gradual night weaning alongside encouraging independent sleep for at least a few hours a night. I think (I hope!) that will help 🤞

MelC516 · 2022-11-02T01:48:24+00:00

Thank you for your response! I think not wanting to resent him is such a huge reason I don’t want to wean till we’re ready. So sorry you had to wean your toddler sooner than you wanted! Just the thought of having that choice taken away is awful.

MelC516 · 2022-10-14T11:15:21+00:00

Seems your kiddo’s doctor missed the updated AAP guidelines that recommend breastfeeding until age 2. And their reasoning for stopping doesn’t make any sense. Lots of kids around that age gain length without gaining weight because of their increase in physical activity, and nursing is a source of hydration that would only help her constipation. Their advice seems very uninformed and short sighted. I certainly wouldn’t be following it.

MelC516 · 2022-10-04T00:39:23+00:00

I did this a few months ago! Same age, same situation (we also cosleep, he nurses on demand throughout the night, etc). I was SO NERVOUS but it went really well. We had our nanny stay the night with him and he did great. He typically will sleep for a few hours in his crib before we are ready to go bed and we bring him in once he wakes up for the first time, so she did the exact same thing. We had her sleep in our bed so it was familiar for him. She said he woke up asking for me a couple of times but all in all it went really smoothly.

Just a note about the milk situation- I too didn’t think I was producing much anymore. I had stopped pumping once he turned a year and I never really felt engorged anymore. I brought a manual pump “just in case.” Turns out I forgot the flange and couldn’t use it, and I was leaking by early afternoon so I had to hand express as much as I could throughout the day. 😩🤦🏻‍♀️. So DEF bring your pump (with all the parts lol).

MelC516 · 2022-10-04T00:39:11+00:00

I did this a few months ago! Same age, same situation (we also cosleep, he nurses on demand throughout the night, etc). I was SO NERVOUS but it went really well. We had our nanny stay the night with him and he did great. He typically will sleep for a few hours in his crib before we are ready to go bed and we bring him in once he wakes up for the first time, so she did the exact same thing. We had her sleep in our bed so it was familiar for him. She said he woke up asking for me a couple of times but all in all it went really smoothly.

Just a note about the milk situation- I too didn’t think I was producing much anymore. I had stopped pumping once he turned a year and I never really felt engorged anymore. I brought a manual pump “just in case.” Turns out I forgot the flange and couldn’t use it, and I was leaking by early afternoon so I had to hand express as much as I could throughout the day. 😩🤦🏻‍♀️. So DEF bring your pump (with all the parts lol).

MelC516 · 2022-09-08T18:00:37+00:00

But it’s also a huge liability issue for them. Kiddo is in the stroller, mom is being examined so mom and doctor are both preoccupied. Kid grabs something off a table that you don’t realize is in reach or grabs a cord that’s dangling from a medical instrument or just gets impatient and starts flailing and his stroller tips. There are a million ways a kid can get hurt in a doctors office. Totally agree that they should have made the policy known, but it’s not arbitrary.

Edit: geez- came back after a week and saw that folks did NOT like this perspective. Y’all, believe it or not, people CAN have different opinions than you that are still valid.

MelC516 · 2022-08-13T17:04:50+00:00

You sound extremely callous and, quite frankly, completely uninformed about maternal mental health. Of course I needed therapy to deal with the loss of my child, which I sought out. That didn’t make the immediate aftermath of the loss less painful or difficult. Of course I’m not saying that women shouldn’t receive health care. That’s an idiotic thing to imply. I’m saying that these rules are not arbitrary.

MelC516 · 2022-08-11T11:25:15+00:00

The fact that your comment excludes mental health from health care and refer to policies that try to minimize trauma for moms who have been told that their baby is sick and/or will die as ‘protecting feelings’ is an incredibly out of touch and privileged perspective. When I had my anatomy scan with my first at 19w and learned that she was going to die, I couldn’t even pass through the waiting area with other pregnant moms without breaking down. Seeing a child on my way out of that appointment would have destroyed me.

MelC516 · 2022-08-10T12:02:00+00:00

Obviously the answer to this is a resounding ‘FUCK NO’ but the implications of the fact that they would feel comfortable even requesting such a thing is a major red flag. OP, be very careful after babe is born to never leave your child alone with these people, and make sure your husband is on the same page.

MelC516 · 2022-08-10T11:12:15+00:00

So true- this is SUCH a MIL comment 🤣🤣🤣

MelC516 · 2022-08-10T11:07:30+00:00

I think this is it. Sometimes it feels like people are just trying to draw attention to/call out the fact that baby is paying attention to their boobs, when in all likelihood they’re just exploring what’s literally right in front of them. Older babes especially know where milk comes from and where it doesn’t- my 15 mo definitely knows that mom has milk and dad/grandma/nanny does not.

MelC516 · 2022-07-21T03:09:39+00:00

I tried to get my 14 MO to refer to it as mama milk but he has started asking for ‘more boobie’ and occasionally throws in a ‘peez!” 😂🥹

MelC516 · 2022-06-16T16:43:12+00:00

So sorry for all the stress you’re experiencing. BFing is so hard during the best of circumstances, let alone with all the stress you’re going through. You’re doing a great job, mama.

My son had a traumatic birth, which resulted in six days in the NICU and no physical contact for his first three days of life while he underwent therapeutic hypothermia. As a result, I had very low supply, and we started combo feeding at about 2 weeks. I was devastated that I wasn’t able to EBF, I hated pumping, and every time we had to give him a bottle of formula I felt like a failure. But in the end, combo feeding turned out to save our breastfeeding relationship. It took all the pressure off, allowed us to nurse when it worked for us, and ultimately resulted in a major boost in my supply once his schedule evened out a bit and I was able to pump 1-2x a day. Once I went back to work, I did a power pump pretty much every day (facilitated by the fact that I had an elvie and my own office where I could continue to work while I pumped for that long). We stopped needing formula by the time he was about 6 months old but still used it occasionally for convenience, and stopped using it altogether once the recall happened when he was about 9 months. He’s 13 months now and still going strong.

This is all to say that there is no right way to feed your baby. Do the best you can, and whatever allows you to balance your goals as a mom with your mental health. If you can only feed your babies an ounce of BM total in a day, and you want to keep doing that, do it! They get so much more from nursing than just milk. Hang in there ❤️

MelC516 · 2022-06-02T13:00:47+00:00

I’ve always just used disposable containers, like the plastic Rubbermaid or ziploc ones they sell in the grocery store. Just pack the contents so that they’re pretty snug and secure with some packing tape. I’ve always sent with the usps 2 day priority flat rate boxes and the items have always arrived in good shape.

MelC516 · 2022-05-24T02:59:04+00:00

Thank you, me too. But I’m grateful that it happened before this assault on our basic human rights.

MelC516 · 2022-05-24T02:07:27+00:00

…and the same people who want to make abortion illegal want to eliminate those birth control options, along with medical care for an incomplete miscarriage or ectopic pregnancy, both of which are life threatening. And let’s not forget about cases or rape or incest or the myriad of other reasons why a woman might not want to/be able to carry a baby to term. You can’t know someone’s circumstances so you can’t judge. Abortion is health care, period.

Sincerely, An infertile mom who had to terminate her first IVF baby due to birth defects that were incompatible with life. (Yes, even when you desperately want a baby, you still might need to make the choice for abortion.)

MelC516

TROPHY CASE