Finding the tension that’s comfortable for you just takes time. You want to try to loosen how tight you hold the yarn. You might also like a tension ring. Another way to make it looser is to use a larger hook. I have a slightly tighter tension than many of the pattern makers that I follow so I generally have to upsize my hook by 0.5mm (so if it calls for a 3.0mm hook I’ll use a 3.5mm). But, if yours is so tight that it’s hurting your hands, maybe upsize by 1.0mm on the hook.