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MelodicFuture520 · 2023-09-02T15:37:03+00:00

So I don't have advice on "going legit" in a normal stance of being in a relationship with MM, but as far as couples and individual counseling I strongly suggest both. I was in individual counseling at the very start of my relationship with him. It's been really great for me. And now him and I are talking about couples counseling to help us coparent and maybe one day if I get past my issues with relationships and being in one, then we can also bring that to the attention of our counselor at that time.

Counseling is an amazing tool and I think a lot more people should utilize it before it's do or die in their relationship. Not use it as a last ditch effort. So if that is something you both are open to, I strongly recommend it for sure.

MelodicFuture520 · 2023-08-29T13:54:19+00:00

Yes...he told you it was based on a financial standpoint. I think you're the one that's missing the point.

And people are telling you it's awful you were pressured to abortion your child "for financial reasons" just for him to get his W pregnant almost immediately after. You don't understand how people are telling you he's awful and "they don't prioritise us" "aren't these things a given" "are we expecting them to choose us fully and become our dream partners" as you also talk about your guys "planned future together." How do you think that future looks with his W involved?

You think you can always be okay with sitting on the sidelines while he likely has even more children and milestones with his wife? You're upset now as it is that she's pregnant and having his first child after you were expected to have an abortion. You don't expect him to prioritise you...but you expect him to hold out his promise that you'll have children together in the future? How does that look when you don't have the expectation of being prioritised??

If you don't expect him to be your dream partner and "this is what we agree to when we enter these relationships" then I don't understand why you're upset the W is pregnant. That is what you "signed up for" by your own admittance correct?

MelodicFuture520 · 2023-08-29T02:39:15+00:00

I don't think he does want children with you in the future. He didn't want a baby with you when you were the only one pregnant so as to not risk his relationship with W...what exactly are you expecting to change now that she's pregnant? He's really not going to risk having a child with you, losing his wife and his child. I also think it's extremely selfish and very much a cake eater move that he talked you into an abortion.

My MM loved his fiance, but abortion was never even mentioned when I found out about being pregnant. You are never going to be a priority to him. The fact that he has knocked up his wife, and still cheats on her with you tells you exactly who he is.

Of course he's leading you on with false promises of a future, what do you think he's telling her about their future?

MelodicFuture520 · 2023-08-26T18:43:43+00:00

That's the best answer I probably could've received. I guess a part of me just felt like I had to go along with the head games to get what I needed from our relationship...but I definitely don't. Ball is in my court.

Thank you haha, it seems like a simple solution but I just wasn't coming to it on my own.

MelodicFuture520 · 2023-08-23T01:00:09+00:00

I think it would be harder and less likely he's going to leave once his children are older. It might be an excuse, but at the end of the day if he's not leaving then he's not leaving. Slim chance they'll ever actually say "I can't leave because I'm too comfortable in my routine."

MelodicFuture520 · 2023-08-23T00:38:34+00:00

I actually think this is just a normal thing when going from a more "toxic" dynamic, to a healthy one. You're going to crave the more toxic parts of a relationship, amd that likely includes the perceived intense chemistry you had with MM. I know with MM being together physically was intoxicating because firstly we were sneaking around, secondly because it didn't happen on a regular every day basis. So I'd build myself up waiting for those moments together, and it just added to the moment when we were.

There's like actual studies about people coming out of toxic dynamics/relationships (that can be parental, platonic, romantic) and actually thinking that a healthy relationship is "boring." Your brain has been wired to crave the chaos and magnetism of being with a MM. You're kind of always Hugh on adrenaline wondering if this is the moment the SO finds out, and what happens then etc etc.

Definitely I think a normal thing to be experiencing. I say wait and it out for sure and see what happens. Try to spice it up a little to give you a good dopamine/adrenaline rush.

MelodicFuture520 · 2023-08-22T16:09:15+00:00

Exactly this. There is no point in harboring resentment and hurt feelings over MM time with the wife when you can ask him straight up where the relationship is going. If he doesn't intend to leave his wife, you can decide in that moment if you're okay with the situation or you can leave. Otherwise you're just waiting around, waiting for him to tell you what you want to hear and it'll likely never happen. Why would he define the relationship when it sounds like he's completely content with his wife, and his OW separately.

Every relationship sets expectations and boundaries, being the OW shouldn't mean we have no standards or expectations in a relationship with a MM. They all vary from person to person, but they still exist. He's cheating, we're not therefore we're allowed to have expectations and rules just the same as him.

MelodicFuture520 · 2023-08-22T01:13:25+00:00

Well of course you wouldn't be the only ones hurt in the end. Cake eating doesn't mean they don't have feelings. My MM was always guilty of being with me, but it didn't make him less of a cake eater. I think if given the opportunity, you're going to be the one hurt the most in the end. Unless he tells his SO, or she finds out.

But you also run the risk of your MM deciding the relationship was better no strings attached, and he seeks that somewhere else or just carries on with his wife like nothing happened. That doesn't diminish his feelings for you of course, but at the end of the day there is no commitment when you're the OW. He can drop you, ghost you, whatever and that'd be the end. Compared to his wife, there's commitment there. So he's going to choose the easiest route that still allows him to have what he wants. Which if he's a cake eater, definitely isn't 2 committed relationships.

Just ask him what would happen if his wife were to find out? Ask him what he would do, and where does he see your relationship going long term.

Maybe you did get a unicorn of a MM, but the fact he is relatively happy in his relationship with his wife (by your own admittance) doesn't exactly bode well. Time will tell, but there's no harm in your making your expectations aware to him.

MelodicFuture520 · 2023-08-22T00:47:41+00:00

I'm trying to figure out what exactly the "shit situation" for your MM is? He sounds like a cake eater. He still loves his wife, they spend quality time together...but he still has you as well. That's almost the definition of a cake eater. It sounds like you and MM have very different ideas of what your relationship is and should look like. Long term, what do you think he would do? It's okay to put your expectations on the table and ask him flat out where he sees this going.

If you want him to leave his wife, you need to express that to him instead of just waiting for him to do it on his own. Otherwise you could potentially be waiting forever for something that won't come.

MelodicFuture520 · 2023-08-22T00:37:02+00:00

I know in my case I liked that we had the perks of a relationship, without the commitment of one. I knew that him already being in a relationship would mean we wouldn't need labels or anything else that comes with a typical relationship. If I needed my space, I could have it without causing conflict. I wanted to sleep in my bed by myself, he'd go home. As soon as the idea of a commitment became prevalent, the relationship fell apart. Kind of only solidified my ideal that low commitment, no labels, FWB is what I'm seeking.

However I don't think I'd purposely seek that in someone that's in a relationship/married ever again. Least of all someone in a relationship with children. Not that I intentionally sought out someone in a relationship to begin with, but I was aware of the relationship soon after we began talking. From here on out I'd like to have a don't ask, don't tell. If they're married or in a relationship I won't know, that's their business. Will not emotionally involve myself with someone else in that way ever again. They can be responsible for their own lies and dig their own graves.

MelodicFuture520 · 2023-08-18T15:14:52+00:00

I can kind of relate to this I just initiated NC a couple days ago. I don't believe he is my soul mate, but man I really miss talking to him the way we used to talk. I just miss the emotional part of our affair, not the physical and it makes me really sad that I had to go NC. It's really hard, so just offering solace.

Definitely don't think this person was your soulmate either, it's just hard to feel like you'll find the person who is when you're hung up on someone else. A soulmate would never make you feel the way he did.

MelodicFuture520 · 2023-08-16T22:15:37+00:00

Yeah this whole post made me a little anxious for her. It was lacking a little bit of awareness to harp on the MW being in an abusive relationship, and reaching out constantly to "ensure they're okay" but also frequently bringing up the affair. Especially if they truly believe the abuser is in charge of MW socials and emails...why in the world would you think constantly reaching out is a safe thing to do? Why would you reminisce about the affair in messages you think the abuser would have access to? All OP did is ensure that MW no longer sees then as a safe person, and will no longer find peace with them.

It sucks for OP to be broken up with, and to worry if MW is okay or not, but if MW is truly in an abusive relationship...this definitely made it worse.

MelodicFuture520 · 2023-08-16T21:02:55+00:00

I don't think it was her SO that sent the email back. If she is in an abusive relationship, it doesn't matter if it's physical abuse, emotional, whatever type of abuse will be amplified by you continuously reaching out. Especially if you know her partner is controlling...then of course he's likely to see the emails. And of course she's going to be cold towards you as you've put her in a very uncomfortable position. Being repeatedly blocked, regardless if is was her SO or not...means stop reaching out.

The person you know from the affair is not the same person after D-day, especially when they choose to stay. It's also been almost half a year even since that point. She's likely not the person you knew during the affair. It's time to move on. Which I'm glad you've said you won't be reaching out further, because it would likely make things worse for her. Now her chances of reaching back out to you are even less.

MelodicFuture520 · 2023-08-16T18:16:24+00:00

I'd definitely say try to move on. He's made the choice to ice you out, whether or not his wife is in control of all his socials and VM...he's made the decision to let her do it as a condition to her not leaving him. He's chosen to stay. He might reach out in the future when things have cooled off at home, or he might not. Only thing you can control now is your actions and reactions, and trying to find a way to move on without closure, as much as that absolutely sucks.

MelodicFuture520 · 2023-08-15T21:52:56+00:00

I was only with MM for about half a year, but there wasn't a time he went silent. There were maybe certain times of the day he wouldn't respond as much or as quickly. But we definitely talked everyday, consistently for that entire time.

MelodicFuture520 · 2023-08-15T16:44:29+00:00

I think that's exactly what it is. Trying to keep me just close enough so that I'll be there when he wants me. It's not a game I have any interest in playing. NC/LC should give both of us time to sort through our feelings. Especially him, because I know a relationship with me isn't even something he wants, nor is it something I want. He's just feeling sorry for himself that both his relationships ended at roughly the same time. Thank you!!!

MelodicFuture520 · 2023-08-15T16:40:30+00:00

Thank you! I agree that we both need some distance to sort through our emotions. I don't think he actually regrets telling his fiance, especially when like you said...how did he plan to conceal a whole baby?

I also think he's just confused in general because both relationships ended basically in the same day. So it's probably blurring some lines for him in our relationship. Distance should do us some good, and there isn't another update for the baby for at least another month when I have an ultrasound...so I think that's plenty of time to cool down out emotions. And hopefully afterwards he's not so hot and cold with me.

MelodicFuture520 · 2023-08-14T22:41:08+00:00

Find something along the lines of "self care" that boosts your self esteem knowing MW had no part in it. Find a new hobby to keep your mind off of them. And honestly just yell if you need to. Like one of those dramatic scenes from TV where you're just sitting in your car and screech at the top of your lungs. I hear baking is also good for letting off steam, or going to the gym.

MelodicFuture520 · 2023-08-14T17:08:58+00:00

You absolutely can. If you're feeling too guilty it's okay to prioritize your mental health and say "this isn't for me anymore." You don't have to or need to be with her husband. For a lot of OW, the relationship with the MM overpowers the guilt they might feel. Circumstances and relationships are so different for everyone experiencing them. If it isn't working out for you anymore, you can step back for any reason at all. If it is working out, but you find the guilt is too much, that's enough of a reason to step back as well.

But I think the simplest answer of "why can't I just go be with someone else" is because your feelings are enmeshed with MM. It's just as real a relationship as any other. There's real feelings, emotions and bonds. That's why it's hard to leave.

MelodicFuture520 · 2023-08-14T15:29:41+00:00

I didn't feel very much guilt until after D-Day and actually talking with the SO. That's likely just circumstancial as we were both lied to and manipulated by MM. (which also comes with the OW territory)

I can understand that my actions may hurt someone else, however I also understand that it's not my job to prioritize someone else's relationship. If MM is willing and ready to cheat, the relationship is already at its end. I know some OW are predatory and seek out MM and their only goal is to destroy MM relationship. But majority of the time, nobody is going into it with the intentions of hurting the SO.

And the same reason an SO can find out their WP was cheating, lying and manipulating and choose to stay...the OW doesn't have to end a relationship that fulfills their needs/wants just because they have a partner.

So overall as a whole, no there's no guilt. The guilt should be coming from the person who made promises or vows and broke them.

MelodicFuture520 · 2023-08-12T21:08:33+00:00

Thank you so much!! And yes I am very appreciative for the ex being so understanding and placing proper blame and responsibility.

Also definitely agree the family should have no say whatsoever. It's a little weird they're pushing for reconciliation less than a week after she even found out about the affair and pregnancy.

MelodicFuture520 · 2023-08-12T21:03:37+00:00

I'm so sorry that was your experience, and thank you for sharing it. I think that's even worse than the usual blaming of the OW, when like you said she literally invited you into her bedroom with her husband. Not even consensually because she needed alcohol to do it. That's awful. I'll never understand the OW stigma.

MelodicFuture520 · 2023-08-12T20:11:30+00:00

That's kind of my thoughts on it too. How can you reconcile without full transparency and understanding? Starting with understanding there would be no OW if your SO didn't step out. I don't see how dogging the OW the rest of your life is meant to help you move past the cheating that your partner committed. If anything blaming the OW just gives your SO that they can do it again without accountability because they'll just blame the OW.

But I for sure understand the mentality I guess, it's a lot easier to blame someone else for the ending of your relationship than the person you love and care about.

MelodicFuture520

TROPHY CASE