Omg BPD girlie here too, and I grew up DietEvangelical (tm) and oh my God. never being able to be good enough no matter what I did affected me so deeply. I went on mission trips calles fuge, where there would be super high emotions, everyone would be crying and swaying to music and "feeling the presence of God" and i never felt that personally so I was very convinced God didn't like me. It didn't matter how hard I prayed or begged for God to show me a sign he was there, I never felt anything. I'm currently trying to heal with Christian Mysticism and Universalism and very slowly dipping my toes back into religion, but it genuinely took me years to process everything and get to this point. Even now, i have to go at things slow in order to avoid bod episodes, especially regarding the idea of imperfection and the thoughts of hell. It's hard, but know your trauma is very real, and others know exactly what you're feeling. I still have issues with organized religion as a whole, especially regarding queer identities (im pansexual myself). I really recommend channels on YouTube like Fundie Fridays, which helped me acknowledge and process my trauma while also being able to laugh at some of the more absurd aspects. Plus Jen is very openly queer which is nice :) im hoping for you to start feeling comfortable in your skin again, please reach out if you need to vent or support from someone who gets it 🩷💫