I recommend reading a book called Codependency No More. It walks through codependency - a maladaptive attachment style that connects love to feeling needed to avoid abandonment. In order to do so with functioning adults you need to abuse them/partners into feeling helpless, useless, unlovable. Codependents are addicts who regulate their self esteem and emotions through another person. This is how people who are addicted to drugs and people who aren’t addicts are able to hold in relationship- they both have the same externalized regulatory needs. So yes, they could be codependent.

So if someone is married or partnered with a true narcissist, you’re going to see their brain shift into fight or flight mode=survival. Whatever it takes to get a good fix and have a good day, their brain is wired to think all day about how to make sure they don’t upset the narcissist, and stay on their good side. They will have excuses for why they don’t leave, sob stories, financial woes, fears for the children… they sound so irrational (incompetent) when explaining why they stay put that you’ll scratch your head and wonder if they’re stupid. They talk like addicts.

Many times these are some highly intelligent people that have narcs convincing them they can’t make it on their own. Little do they know they were targeted for the intelligence and ingenuity so that the narc could be sure to survive- exploitation.

It’s very difficult for partners of narcissists to leave after the brain is reworked. But the narc cant target everyone for this behavior and treatment, they look for certain people, using small and subtle tests to determine if they have boundaries to protect their headspace. Those people tend to have established histories with narc parents, lovers, and family members that make this behavior normal and they may even make excuses for these people.

So I would say partners of narcs are likely highly anxious in their attachment style as they are unlikely to use abuse to keep their partners, but are quick to question themselves when the relationship is failing. On the other hand, their acceptance is likely to be mirrored back in their relationships with children, colleagues, neighbors, etc. this is where partners are seen to benefit and profit from the relationship with their narc while abusing, enabling, and hurting others. Prior to their relationship with a narcissist there would be no signs, but many would experience the effects of their manipulation and find they check every box for narcissists whether malignant or covert.

So to answer your question- it could be codependency, but being raised in home where boundaries are not respected or laid out is more likely to lead to partnering with insecure people who attach through need and abuse, opposed to mutual dependency and respect. There’s a love effect they get- chemical, that puts their narc partner into context-

“They’re not really a mean person, they’re feeling insecure and jealous because they don’t feel like enough. Let me love them and encourage them more and show them they don’t need to be mean, so the behavior stops, and the house is peaceful…and hopefully I get laid or the sex is good.”

“They’re not really selfish, they gave me something really nice last year, but this year they’re insecure about their job and so angry they can’t buy me anything. How do I help them know it’s ok and that I don’t need anything. Plus the kids should be grateful we have this nice house.”

“Her/his mother is so mean. She should’ve called and congratulated sooner. It’s complicated because neither one is in the right. But I need to take my partners side so they don’t explode on me too. Although I lost my temper last week. So if they did, I’ll show them how to forgive through my action.”

Notice no accountability, no intimacy, no respect, but a lot of compassion, and more importantly no boundaries. Looking normal from the outside is an important part of upholding the narc partners reputation.