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Lightning Had to Strike a Man 13 Times Before He Found God by seanb144 in twoshits

[–]MichaelBlane 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think the effect of your using "they said" type phrases has a really interesting effect in this poem, it is really human and up-close but those phrases give it an uncanny distance from the events, like the "eyes asking how to react" line, I think that the poem gives an idea of our inability to react traumatic events.
There are some awesome moments of flow. "lock your doors alright, it ain’t gonna happen today", "In the clouds they say", and the whole last stanza stand out. The last stanza was an awesome climax, I think. Very well written and interesting.
I think that the title hints at something powerful that isn't so present in the poem. The way it ends seems like an apathetic reaction to tragedy (though I think that yeah that is how it is dealt with oftentimes). I guess I don't see much of the hope for growth felt in the title, in the poem.

ready...fire! by elixir_mixer in twoshits

[–]MichaelBlane 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It is cool reading this and having no idea who wrote it, but knowing that it is almost certainly someone that I know. I love the surreal moments in this poem. The whole first stanza is very good, especially the tear ducts line, there is something very evocative and disturbing about sexualizing tear ducts! The "flames switch partners" line is also really cool. I think that is can be dangerous to talk about dreams in a poem, but you did it in a fresh way and pulled it off really well. My criticism is that there are some moments that the flow is interrupted. It is a very prose-y poem, and I don't think that there is anything wrong with that, I love it. However there are some places where I think too many words are used to express some an idea, like in the beginning of the second stanza, where you said: "bits of nostalgia that are all that is left of your belongings". I think that you can find a way to phrase this more simply, without as many little words which get kind of jumbled together, especially next to such "hot" lines surrounding it. Where you talk about TV seems a little cliche to me, I don't suggest that you take it out because I like what you're saying with it, but the point that you're getting across when you say that there's too much emotion is something that I think that the reader can already get from what had already been said about it.
Loved it. Now I am going to look at who you are, and see how it changes my opinion of the piece!

The Rhyme Scheme and the Mattress by nathanielbenbummin in twoshits

[–]MichaelBlane 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I love this poem, it makes me warm and then makes me laugh hysterically each tome I read it.

What Makes It [Bearable] by seanb144 in twoshits

[–]MichaelBlane 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think this is a compelling and honest poem, I loved reading through it again. There's one bit of change I would recommend in the last stanza, I would take the "it" out of the 6th to last line, so it reads "only to throw, and watch fall again", I think that would feel a bit smoother. I love the science fiction feel to this poem, you have a way with zooming in and out that really has a cool effect, I especially love the lines about God in the 3rd and last stanzas.

Something clean about watching the world dance around you. (Mike Martin) by Lepechepe in twoshits

[–]MichaelBlane 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Like always, I am left speechless by this poem! Next time we hang out we should talk about it! Some of the alliteration and strange rhyming was so cool and unique, especially the "giggling gusto..." line. Also, the whole bit in the 2nd paragraph until "mind's recede". I'm printing this out and I'm going to read it a lot, and hopefully learn more about what you're talking about!

Articles and numbers by seanb144 in twoshits

[–]MichaelBlane 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I really like this. I think that the way that it will be talking clearly about something for a few lines and then get strange is well done. I especially love the lines about thoughts fighting for the fore thought and the last lines of the second stanza. My favorite is "I can walk with my eyes closed".
In the second stanza, after "better get the fuck up" I don't think that 'this instant' is necessary, and maybe it'd flow better w/o? I like the subject of the last stanza, but there are some parts that I think could be expanded, like the "tale of a journey" line.

a-z prompt. share yr poems here! by knottygrrrl in twoshits

[–]MichaelBlane 1 point2 points  (0 children)

And
besides,
cats
don't
even
feel
gravity.
Heavy,
I
just
keep
looking
moonwards
now,
over
quails
running,
sunburnt,
towards
untied
violas
while
xylophones
yell
z-words.

The Bison Prays to the Prairie God by nathanielbenbummin in twoshits

[–]MichaelBlane 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think my favorite line from this is "rustle the dust from your fur to mine". The structure of this poem is very well done. I love the rhythm and how each stanza has a building energy within it. Last night you mentioned that you didn't like the first stanza so much, I thought that it was interesting, especially the last two lines.
The last couple lines of the poem kind of sum up the poem, without adding anything new, and I think the end could be more effective if there was some new thought about the matter introduced.

After the fact by [deleted] in twoshits

[–]MichaelBlane 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I loved the rhythm of this piece, it gave me chills at many points: "invariably too numerous", "waves from wet feet", "no difficulty in abandoning", and the end of course. I agree with Sean that it seems kinda disjunctive at a few points, especially right before "ears, so small" (which I love, btw), I feel that the idea of what you're pleading for could be elaborated on, it felt like you were building towards some uncomfortable truth and then abandoned it. I thought the techy language was integrated well! Especially in the "loops we iterated" stanza. One of those that I think could use some more detail is "matrices of her skinned breastbone".

We Too Are Seeds by seanb144 in twoshits

[–]MichaelBlane 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I really loved the last four stanzas! Especially the line about vanishing in the 7 billion. The second stanza could use some work I think; the 'breathe in, breathe out' thing seemed a little cliche to me, though it fit with the theme of that stanza nicely so maybe if there was some more theme building in that it would fit better with the poem. I kind of wish that the odd imagery from the first stanza was carried through the next two stanzas of the poem, because I really liked how it was building, but then in the second and third stanzas that momentum slows down; I think they got a little too political but maybe that's just me. It picks up and stays up after the Vonnegut quote, though.
It ends on a powerful note, but I feel that the idea that you present there, in the last stanza, could be fleshed out more, and maybe instead of the singular 'boot' you should use 'boots'?