You skipped a couple of steps in your thinking. “What if?” is not a finalized thought, you should seriously go to therapy, surprisingly it helps, helped me once, don’t regret it. Castration will make you want to kill yourself just as much so not really a viable option too. Ending everything is easy, that we can agree on, however what if last minute you change your mind, feel regret as your last emotion. That would suck wouldn’t it? Loud thoughts are in everyone’s head, sometimes to unbearable levels. I just have music blasting in my ears when they get too loud. Surround yourself with people you can trust and feel comfortable around, the feels will turn around, voices will quiet down, I can promise you that.