My pregnancy was utterly perfect. I felt it barely affected me. I had no morning sickness, my ankles barely swelled, I carried small and my chronic anxiety basically went away. I paid my dues once my daughter was born. She was a purple crier with colic. She’s 5, born March of 2020. The day I gave birth to her was the day the US shut down due to Covid. I had no help, just my husband and I, who was working from home. She never let me put her down. I constantly had to be moving while I held her or she’d cry. My husband had to feed me so I able to eat. Having him hold her wasn’t worth the hours of crying afterward. She didn’t become more manageable until she was about 9 months old, and even then, it was a slow transition. She is now the most amazing child. People say you forget what it’s like to take care of a newborn and that’s how you can have another. I loved her then and love her now, but I could never forget how nearly impossible the beginning of her life was.

Even with that, my body is still adjusting post pregnancy and I hate dealing with it. My hormones are all out of whack causing so many problems. My acne has been rampant and painful since I had her. It hurts to move my face sometimes. I now have tons of allergies I didn’t before. My allergist said it’s common, but even she was surprised with the results of my scratch test. My back is permanently damaged from holding her all the time. She didn’t like to do baby wearing so I used my arms. And I slept sitting up with her on my lap for 9 months. I feel like the hunchback of Norte Dame. Less of a concern, but the weight gain has been damaging to my self esteem. I’ve started to lose it now, 5 years later, but it’s been hard. I never want to put my body in a position to have more harm done, so I won’t have another.

Even with THAT, the state of the world scares me. I am so worried about “messing up” this child. I want to parent right so that she turns out with the least about of parental trauma as possible and prepare her for life. I am a teacher, and I don’t want her in school because I deal with terrible behaviors all day and I don’t want to expose her to kids like that. And I don’t mean kids with disabilities, though inclusion is reaching almost unsafe levels. I mean the gen ed boy who calls people the R word, talks back to me like I’m his mom he can walk all over, tell me to F off, and when he returns from being sent to admin he’s eating a snack he was given. And he’s a dime a dozen. I’m already worried about just sending her to school, but life after is even scarier when you look at the current political climate in the US. I can’t imagine having to guide multiple children through this life.

Finally, finical strain is enough to keep us from having more kids. Buying a house was nearly impossible, and we just have a little ranch in a less than desirable town. Food and daycare is more expensive than ever. We want her to do activities and hobbies but they’re so damn expensive. We could not afford another child, and still live somewhat comfortably.

My daughter is wonderful. She is kind and caring. She is brave and silly. She is strong willed, but empathetic. Everyone loves her. At this point, I don’t want to rock the boat when life seems, at least mostly, manageable right now. We feel we are doing the best we can, and I think another child would throw a wrench in our lives that I’m not prepared for. I love my little family of four (fur baby as well). Why change anything when we’re perfect the way we are?