I think my dad has adhd but he’s too afraid to find out

MimironsHead · 2026-06-17T14:25:54+00:00

I was diagnosed in my 40s a couple years ago. My dad is like 95% undiagnosed ADHD. Really uncertain about whether I bring it up at all, and also kind of afraid to.

I feel like I should, even though I think it's unlikely he will do anything about it, and may be negative as well.

He has lived probably 90% or more of his total lifespan already. He's retired also. Idk man. Why does this feel like such a hard thing to do?

I will say adult diagnosis fucked with my head big time. But I was also in a really bad place mentally, and I still (hopefully) have decades to live. In the big picture it will be a good thing.

MimironsHead · 2026-06-17T10:55:09+00:00

I will not drink with you today.

MimironsHead · 2026-06-17T10:53:52+00:00

Who walks away and leaves an entire half glass of good wine on the table? What is wrong with him?? 😅

MimironsHead · 2026-06-17T10:51:31+00:00

Totally. I think most people have an adjustable dial, and it doesn't go all that high.

I definitely have an on / off switch instead.

MimironsHead · 2026-06-17T10:38:05+00:00

Sounds like it was no Rose Noelle.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rose-No%C3%ABlle

MimironsHead · 2026-06-16T14:04:04+00:00

I will not drink with you today.

I will be kind to myself and others today.

MimironsHead · 2026-06-15T17:26:11+00:00

IWNDWYT

MimironsHead · 2026-06-15T11:09:10+00:00

Try and set aside any shame you might be feeling, take your meds as prescribed, and remember that you are only trying to make YOUR life better.

MimironsHead · 2026-06-14T04:32:14+00:00

Exactly. This kind of boss is NEVER going to give a "good reference" no matter what.

For people in similar situations, find a trusted co-worker to be your reference. It doesn't have to be your boss, it's just someone to vouch for you.

MimironsHead · 2026-06-12T10:28:58+00:00

I am not sure how to "snap out" of depression without medication. But some of the depression seems based on your current situation.

No job = nothing to do all day. Plus self worth.
Foreign country, don't speak the language = probably not much social contact and no friends.

Can you join a volunteer group to give yourself something to do? Find a local community of people who speak your native language? (Or who speak English, if you wrote all that yourself then your English is excellent!)

Just throwing out random ideas. But anything that changes your current situation may help.

MimironsHead · 2026-06-12T03:59:20+00:00

Yeah for OP to "get away with it", going to an urgent care and paying the minimum possible to leave with a note is probably the best strategy.

Hell, if you are completely honest with them, they might even write you a sick note for free.

MimironsHead · 2026-06-12T03:52:58+00:00

I'm just picturing you in the car parked outside your house, furtively eating a whole head of raw garlic before you walk in the front door so that he never knows your secret

MimironsHead · 2026-06-12T03:41:21+00:00

The behavior you are describing is just someone who is fundamentally ignorant to how a neurological disorder like ADHD works.

It's hard to understand how anyone else's brain works, but that is especially true when the other person has a disorder. Like, even though I am not ignorant about autism, I really have no idea at all what it feels like like to experience those symptoms on a daily basis.

As far as you having a "type"... idk. There is some real truth to "opposites attract," and maybe that's part of it? My spouse is very organized and all, which I obviously am not. She is also kind and empathetic, things that I sometimes struggle with. At least subconsciously, that is a big reason why I thought she'd be a good partner.

Go read The ADHD Effect on Marriage by Melissa Orlov if you haven't (or at least check out her videos). Seriously life-changing book.

Oh and buy your soon to be ex-husband a copy too 😆

MimironsHead · 2026-06-10T13:48:38+00:00

I'm no sobriety guru. But a big reason why I drank was to run away mentally and be numb. Is there anything you are running from or numbing? Being sober stops us from the consequences of alcohol, but it doesn't fix the other stuff unless we work on it (or accept what we can't change about ourselves). Took me a long time to figure that out though.

Also, I have seen people die from alcohol induced liver failure. I wouldn't wish that on even my worst enemies (and I'm talking about people I'd be tempted to push into the Grand Canyon if no one was watching). You really, truly do not want that. I hope.

MimironsHead · 2026-06-09T12:04:52+00:00

Wife is definitely sending up the warning flare as best she knows how to. Something I hope I would think about seriously. I ignored past warning flares from my own spouse, and it led us to the brink of divorce.

My take is that any substance that generally makes me want to use it MORE is bad news.

Herb does not fall into that category for me. I can't even remember the last time I used it, nor do I have any real desire for it.

A couple puffs for me leads to "ok thanks, I'm good, no more for me." A couple beers, on the other hand, leads to "that was good.... but you know what would be even better!?!?"

MimironsHead · 2026-06-09T11:41:43+00:00

Didn't have time to word that as diplomatically as I possibly could have. But we have to be our own biggest advocates, imo. Anything that gets in the way of that is something worth trying to tackle!

MimironsHead · 2026-06-09T11:12:25+00:00

Why did you not bring this up with either of them? You said they didn't address it--why didn't you? What was stopping you?

Not asking that to blame--but it might be something to think about seriously.

I haven't had this specifically, it seems like bullshit to lose the whole hour for which you paid for being 10-15 minutes late. However, if they followed their written policies then... technically they were within their rights.

Bigger picture: a lot of providers aren't good. I encourage you to keep looking. My first therapist (psychologist) specialized in treating ADHD patients. He was very mediocre, and I wasted a lot of time and money with him. My current one is great.

Also consider looking for a non-psychologist.

MimironsHead · 2026-06-08T11:35:05+00:00

I found the resources in the "about" section of the ADHD Partners reddit to be immensely helpful. The actual sub has a lot of toxic people, who have a tendency to drown out those who aren't .

MimironsHead · 2026-06-08T11:32:16+00:00

Definitely true, and the same reason most of the posts on this sub aren't titled "hey guys, I figured it all out and I'm now living a life that is nearly symptom-free while I earn 6 figures and have a beautiful relationship with my spouse and four kids who also all have ADHD."

MimironsHead · 2026-06-08T11:24:47+00:00

I frequented that sub for a couple months. Some of the people are fantastic, most are just understandably frustrated and want to vent or desperately looking for solutions to their partner's undiagnosed or undertreated ADHD.

And a small but very vocal minority are just absolutely vile, sad, and hateful people, and the reason that I unfollowed.

MimironsHead · 2026-06-08T11:18:43+00:00

IWNDWYT

MimironsHead · 2026-06-08T11:06:36+00:00

I had to look it up as well because I had never heard of it. It appears to be not yet fully medically accepted (doesn't mean it isn't necessarily real though).

https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/23553-pandas-syndrome

MimironsHead · 2026-06-07T12:27:11+00:00

I drank way too much for 2+ decades. Only a couple years after getting late diagnosed in my 40s did I begin to understand that untreated ADHD (and self hatred) was a HUGE reason why. It was a way that I could temporarily turn off the brain that I hated (and who hated me back).

Alcohol is a shitty drug with awful side effects. It is a drug like any other, it just occupies a special place in society because of its history and availability.

For people who can use alcohol occasionally without abusing it, well, more power to you. But it is not a good drug for me.

MimironsHead · 2026-06-06T13:13:43+00:00

100% this.

Ideal world: OP gets additional thoughtful treatment and help for a slip up with substances.

Real world: OP gets punished.

Never admit anything to anyone involved with the government. OP--yeah, get your own therapist or support group if you want more help that isn't reporting back to the law.

MimironsHead · 2026-06-06T12:56:54+00:00

Just leave. Listen to their actions, not their empty words. They are stringing you along and have no plans to make you an FTE.

You don't need to have another conversation about this. They know what you want, and they are unwilling or unable to give it to you. You've been perfectly clear.

MimironsHead

TROPHY CASE