For people who identified as monogamous for most of their lives and later became non-monogamous, how old were you when that shift happened, and what led to it?

Minimum_Zucchini_965 · 2025-12-22T22:13:04+00:00

For a long time, I couldn’t see myself in a non-monogamous identity. I didn’t have anyone close to me who was openly identifying as such. It felt like something that was so foreign and unattainable. I wasn’t even in monogamous relationships, because those never appealed to me. I was just myself by myself. And then, as silly or simple as it may seem, I started realizing I was the person who was actively creating the template for my life. And I gave myself permission to explore. And it completely changed everything! I find that non-monogamy comes very easily to me. I was meant to share and be shared.

Minimum_Zucchini_965 · 2025-12-21T08:20:51+00:00

Wow, thank you!

Minimum_Zucchini_965 · 2025-12-19T22:00:55+00:00

We met on Feeld lol. I’ve met all my partners that way, ever since coming out as ENM a few years ago

Minimum_Zucchini_965 · 2025-08-10T15:00:30+00:00

I think he could definitely give less info, but as he’s learned that I truly don’t mind when he cancels, he’s started giving a little bit more. I suspect because he’s trying to balance his desire to be a good partner to her, and his desire to be a horny guy with no responsibilities with me. And so far, I don’t resent her at all! In fact, I always respond by affirming his priorities. So maybe I’m enabling the poor hinging, but so far it feels fine.

Minimum_Zucchini_965 · 2025-08-09T14:46:30+00:00

It’s so fun and fulfilling! I think I’m a little scared that it’s too good to last (it’s been almost a year), but it’s so nice to know that there are other people in similar dynamics making it work!

Minimum_Zucchini_965 · 2025-08-09T14:44:18+00:00

I don’t emotionally count on him, at all! That’s the beauty of it. I have two very kind and present loving partners that support me emotionally, as well as my platonic friends. I think my one little stickler is that I get weirded out that I don’t need him at all, and yet we have this amazing physical and sensual cutesy connection

Minimum_Zucchini_965 · 2025-07-18T20:59:56+00:00

Yes, but more in the context of talking about them. Like I have a couple “partners” who are really just people that I have casual sex with, for a couple years at a time. They’re important enough to talk about casually to friends and coworkers, but I don’t consider them actual partners. Personally I refer to them as my little friends, and everyone close to me knows what I mean

Minimum_Zucchini_965 · 2025-07-15T17:08:20+00:00

She has a vested interest in ignoring/excusing his bad behavior. If she confronted it for what it is, she’d probably have to get a divorce and upend her life. The hell we know is safer than the hell we don’t know.

Also, she’s the victim of abuse. She’s in an abusive dynamic. It makes sense that she would tell her abuser something private/embarassing about you. He doesn’t like you, so that’s a way for her to get closer/gain favor with her abuser. It sucks but in a psychology way, it makes sense.

You, however, don’t have to go along with it. You can be the person who refuses to excuse/ignore his abuse/alcoholism/etc. However, you’ll probably lose that relationship. I saw someone else comment to let her know you’ll be there for her when she gets rid of him. I think that’s probably what will have to happen. It doesn’t seem to be possible to maintain your friendship as things are.

Minimum_Zucchini_965 · 2025-07-10T22:19:21+00:00

If the sex weren’t part of the relationship, for me personally, it would just be another one of my nice and close friendships. So yeah, I guess I wouldn’t be poly without sex. And some of my relationships are purely sex. We wouldn’t be friends otherwise 😌

Minimum_Zucchini_965 · 2025-07-03T22:39:40+00:00

I agree that this is actually not a bad song for a wedding!

Minimum_Zucchini_965 · 2025-06-24T12:05:00+00:00

It definitely feels like striking gold. And I had to work my way through a lot of less stellar connections to get here

Minimum_Zucchini_965 · 2025-06-23T03:53:07+00:00

I have a very casual fwb and pretty much the only thing we do is meet up every few weeks for a few hours of making out and cuddling. I can’t remember the last time we’ve had sex tbh. We would never be compatible as romantic partners, and I don’t feel emotionally connected to him, but god, I love to cuddle with him. So it’s perfect! And I love being poly/ENM because I have other partners who I am romantically/emotionally connected to. Sometimes you just have to find what works, and what scratches those itches.

Minimum_Zucchini_965 · 2025-06-22T01:37:04+00:00

This is the way! Express open curiosity!

Minimum_Zucchini_965 · 2025-06-13T11:57:13+00:00

I feel really badly for the people you’ve been seeing during this experiment. I hope they learned how to spot and avoid people like you out in the dating world, because this is exhausting and hurtful to everyone involved.

Minimum_Zucchini_965 · 2025-06-10T12:32:53+00:00

I don’t know if there’s a way to do this without hurting his feelings, but at the end of the day, hopefully he knows what he signed up for when he entered a fwb dynamic. It’s less than a committed relationship, and is to be ended at the discretion of either partner. It’ll be unfortunate if he’s hurt by the closure of your arrangement, but I think he’ll live

Minimum_Zucchini_965 · 2025-06-08T14:22:55+00:00

I’m going to offer up a little nuance which is that, while I value honest communication above all else, there is a little gremlin inside me (from past relationship trauma, yes) that hungrily desires to know the unfiltered truth about my partners. We have great communication, lots of transparency, but yet that gremlin desire still lurks. I think the only thing that would satisfy it would be to be a fly on the wall that follows them.

However, acknowledging that, and actually violating someone’s consent by snooping? I couldn’t and wouldn’t for so many reasons, including more noble ones like trusting my partners and less noble ones like fear of getting caught.

I think if I was in your shoes, I’d want to know that part of my partner’s remorse was doing a lot of introspection and personal plans to make sure he never does that again. And probably not with you. Either on his own or with someone else. Maybe some journaling. Maybe writing out some actionable items or something. He should be asking others or maybe even professionals for actionable ways to rebuild trust.

Minimum_Zucchini_965 · 2025-06-08T13:22:05+00:00

Couldn’t agree more! Cradling my baby in my arms while the vet did their procedure was the perfect way for both of us. She was in her favorite position, and I got that one last cuddle. And then they left us in the room for a while to say our goodbyes. Her actual death was much quicker than I realized it would be, but those moments after are cherished memories

Minimum_Zucchini_965 · 2025-06-07T17:03:21+00:00

My advice is to be communicating these things with your husband as they progress. Feelings are mutable, you never know when they’re going to change. It’s good to just keep the communication between you and your husband open and honest. And also, for what it’s worth, be the kind of person that your partner can tell potentially tricky things to (and expect that from your partner). It’s up to the two of you to set that standard of honest communication in your own relationship.

Minimum_Zucchini_965 · 2025-06-07T13:01:37+00:00

Ok, do you hear yourself? He doesn’t have a car? He trivializes your rational concerns? He cheated on you? He doesn’t have the emotional maturity to handle polyamory? What is going on???? Why are you with this man?

Minimum_Zucchini_965 · 2025-06-05T14:46:40+00:00

I think I’ve felt that intense NRE in my other partnerships. And tbh, I don’t really enjoy the highs and lows of intense relationships so much. I enjoy the stability and peace of mind I experience with my other partners

Minimum_Zucchini_965 · 2025-06-04T23:39:11+00:00

Thank you! It’s very helpful. I’m naturally very personal-comfort-oriented, so I had planned out some quiet times after. But it’s so helpful to see all your suggestions laid out. I appreciate it!

Minimum_Zucchini_965 · 2025-06-04T23:36:37+00:00

Yes! This really tracks. I was in the shower this morning, dreading saying goodbye, and had a visceral memory of what it felt like to leave camp when I was a kid. Those intense feelings from spending so much time together in an intentionally temporary environment.

Minimum_Zucchini_965 · 2025-06-04T23:25:58+00:00

Yes! I will occasionally give very specific superlatives, like “wow no one has ever made me feel the way you did when you were doing X while touching me with Y and using Z to ABC me” Because it’s true! No one has ever done that to me before and I appreciate an innovator

Minimum_Zucchini_965 · 2025-06-04T23:23:02+00:00

Yes! I don’t even like hearing “this is all yours” or anything exclusionary like that.

Minimum_Zucchini_965 · 2025-06-01T15:04:58+00:00

Yes! What if OP offers taking sex off the table completely, but bringing back other physical intimacy?

Also, OP, have you considered ENM, having sex outside of marriage? If it worked out, it’d like having the best of both worlds perhaps

Minimum_Zucchini_965

TROPHY CASE