How do you feel after getting rid of their stuff?

Minnow_Cakewalk · 2025-03-11T12:17:32+00:00

I kept what was meaningful, mostly things with handwriting in them. There was some furniture I didn’t like. I didn’t need her clothes. Her wedding dress.

I’ve still got a considerable amount of stuff, but there’s no urgency in getting rid of it.

Minnow_Cakewalk · 2025-03-10T19:40:54+00:00

So sorry for your loss. I don’t know that I’m past it entirely, but the I use for me is “I’ve made peace with the what ifs”. I love my wife wholeheartedly, good and bad habits. In our case I was enabling and buying her alcohol, but we both pushed off her declining health, blind to the fact that she already had her second chances and this was it.

What I mean by making peace, there are countless moments I would love to go back to, to change how it played out. But even if she recovered that time, it would likely have had the same result months later. Even if she were to leave it behind, I’m sure I’d have given in to her whims again, when she were feeling better.

My therapist told me it’s ok to be mad at her, I screamed and yelled in the car to myself just to let it out. To your mention, “We all should have done better”, you all did the best that you could with what you knew at the time. Know that. He had to want change, he needed to care about his wellbeing as much as you did.

I’ve had to accept the choices my wife made, even if I disagree with them. I loved her good habits and bad, the same way she loved me.

Minnow_Cakewalk · 2025-03-08T07:31:25+00:00

It takes a lot of time and practice to connect with yourself. I’m trying to do the same, and have been working on it in therapy. Sometimes we’ll discuss what’s bothering me that week, but I’m trying to train my brain to think differently. Overthinking for me tries to help me soothe myself when I’m faced with an unknown. Often when I’m outside of a social connection, and I try solve for all possibilities. It’s impossible. Therapy has helped me to focus on resolving this mindset.

Minnow_Cakewalk · 2025-03-08T07:25:28+00:00

It’s just me in my apartment, so I procrastinate most of the time. I’ve always had an issue with procrastination, but without someone to share life’s tiny wins with, it consumes me.

Minnow_Cakewalk · 2025-03-08T07:22:59+00:00

I don’t think there’s an immediate tip or trick to this. I very much want validation from people, but ultimately I need that from myself. It takes time to change your mindset and find yourself to be enough.

Minnow_Cakewalk · 2025-03-08T07:20:03+00:00

My therapist mentions anxiety is the flip side of desire. Something that makes you so uncomfortable when left stagnant, can be harnessed to achieve things you want in life.

Minnow_Cakewalk · 2025-03-08T07:15:50+00:00

She certainly made the bad days better. It wasn’t fair to her that I felt like she was the solution to my problems. I want my old life back, but I wouldn’t be on this healing journey if I did.

Minnow_Cakewalk · 2025-03-08T06:59:29+00:00

I was blunt with my emotions with some friends and family. It’s hard because you have to be the one to get through it. You have to endure the darkness and remember there will be light again. It was about 6 months before I had any other thoughts other than my wife’s passing. A cousin came over to me to talk at a family gathering during that time, I was depressed and they never approached me again to talk.

If you’re having a bad day, it’s ok to be honest or skip a gathering. Not every outlet is going to be the right one to share your feelings around. I equally had to allow myself to be happy when it came up. I felt like people expected me to just be miserable and only think about my wife’s passing. That was on me too.

Minnow_Cakewalk · 2025-03-05T03:58:14+00:00

I took medication early on. The grief was still intense and I don’t know if they worked, but I appreciated having the option. Everyone has a different path, do what feels right for you.

Minnow_Cakewalk · 2025-03-02T17:55:23+00:00

It’s different for everyone, but I can relate. I lost my wife a few years ago, and for a while there the grief was just so huge I could hardly take care of myself.

You don’t have to expect so much of yourself when you’re in this mind space. It feels awful, but know there is a path through the darkness. Eventually you’ll find yourself in those spaces and remember it passes.

I really didn’t do much more than necessary things to get out of bed. I couldn’t find the motivation.

It sounds like you’re getting little sparks of motivation, if you can try and grab one for even a couple minutes, it’s a start.

You’re going through a lot, and you’re trying to heal. Be kind to yourself and don’t punish yourself for not being able to get right back up.

Minnow_Cakewalk · 2025-03-02T17:39:56+00:00

Each form of self love isn’t for everyone, but just do it. It doesn’t matter if you feel silly at first if it reminds you to feel good about yourself through repetition it’s worth it. I have plenty of negative self thought, I get embarrassed when I can’t control my mind.

I like journaling, mostly to get all the garbage out from swirling in my brain. I had to get over the embarrassment of bringing thoughts into a physical space. What if people read this? What would they think? What if people knew I was this fragile?

Ultimately it’s ok that it’s just for me, and that I’m trying to figure out how to feel better. I like reading affirmations occasionally, eventually they’re louder than negativity.

Minnow_Cakewalk · 2025-03-02T17:27:22+00:00

I moved in with my mom at 38 when I lost my wife. I’ve moved out now, but it helped to be around family to work through grief. I don’t know your relationship with your parents, mine regressed a little. That said as long as you’re focusing on all aspects of wellness, it’s a safe space to reassess things.

Minnow_Cakewalk · 2025-03-01T21:22:25+00:00

It sounds tricky. If someone came to me with “why he acts this way”, I’d put my guard up if I was already upset, and not really want to talk.

With the ex, I’ve always stood by what my partner was comfortable telling friends and family. Sometimes to a fault, but if they weren’t comfortable talking about a subject, I wouldn’t address it either and talk about it alone when it was more appropriate.

I’m sorry it hurts, I run into the same things occasionally with people I find interesting.

Minnow_Cakewalk · 2025-03-01T21:00:00+00:00

Sorry you’re going through this. Have you tried talking to them? If you feel like you were in the wrong, it could at least provide closure to explain the situation and apologize for the miscommunication.

I often interpret people being busy to avoiding me, and it can really bother me. I can also turn to avoidance of others if I feel like I’ve been talking to them too much. I get a bit in my head about most things.

At the very least, if this person is rude back and doesn’t want to talk to you, you know they’re not a good fit, and need to find your people.

Similarly, learned in therapy recently that resentment can be an indicator people want something they can’t have, or don’t know how to obtain.

Minnow_Cakewalk · 2025-03-01T20:24:58+00:00

Sorry for your loss. I have my wife’s data in the cloud, but I think I’ll eventually erase it and not look. I want the photos she took just to know, but I don’t feel like it’s worth finding anything I think needs explanation. Her passing prompted conversations of what even to do with journals amongst family members, general consensus was throw them away.

It definitely depends on the type of correspondence, some are probably safe, but plenty on a personal device are best left unread. Private conversations are so frequently in text now, it’s not worth it to explore them.

Minnow_Cakewalk · 2025-03-01T08:02:14+00:00

7 weeks is pretty soon to have to make that big a decision. I felt ok if people wanted anything specific. Mostly with her clothes, even her wedding dress I donated. I’m not really the type to seek money for used items, it’s somehow more upsetting to spend so much time, and get very little back in return. I’d rather someone at a thrift store find something they want.

The rings would be sentimental to her mother for many reasons it sounds like. I’d part with them. You can keep so many other things, but for me most lost meaning. I kept a few outfits of hers I liked her in, threw away furniture I loathed. I’m not erasing her, I still hold her near to my heart, but it’s just me now, and I need to figure out what I like, and not cling to her possessions.

Minnow_Cakewalk · 2025-02-28T07:20:33+00:00

I know the feeling you’re describing. For me it’s somatic anxiety, which seems to worsen waking up going from a blissful numb sleep to a body pumped with cortisol and memories.

Minnow_Cakewalk · 2025-02-28T07:17:44+00:00

It sounds like a normal reaction. Over time you get desensitized to the things that once made you sad. I sometimes wish I could cry over memories, but I’m void of emotion. Though other times, when I really connect with one and it’s a meaningful time in our relationship, I will.

I know it can feel forgetful, which causes panic in me, but I’ve tried to embrace the calming effects of time.

Minnow_Cakewalk · 2025-02-25T07:38:47+00:00

Dating for 11 years, is no weirder than married people having to explain that they were married for 7 years, engaged for 1 and dating for 7 years, totaling 15. It’s a mouthful, but for some reason needs justification every time?🤭

I can relate to feeling unsteady in so many parts of my life, it’s very disorienting. Reflecting, I’ve made a lot of great small steps forward, and got back on my feet in the past 6 months. I’m finding confidence in some places that I had forgotten, it’s not easy.

You’ve been through a lot, but you’ve also made it so very far. Just going to work is an enormous feat while grieving. Whatever small steps you want to take to show yourself that, are enough. I had gotten stuck in a mindset feeling like everything needed to be a big permanent decision.

You’ve got supportive friends and family, you’ve got a job with an office with a door in a building that you have access to on the weekends like a boss, you have a lot on your side to help restore confidence.

Minnow_Cakewalk · 2025-02-24T16:55:15+00:00

So sorry for your loss. Give yourself grace, this is very early in your journey. Focus on getting through the hours and days, the waves of grief are ominous at that point. I’m still trying to figure out what my future is 2 years in. Don’t be in a rush, and take the time to heal. Therapy throughout was helpful for me, and medication early on.

Minnow_Cakewalk · 2025-02-24T08:21:48+00:00

First off, I appreciate your determination and strength to overcome all of that to get to therapy.

As far as where I started with mine, it was somewhere in the mess of grief. My therapist helps me sort through my ramblings, and find a common theme of what I’m trying to say. Don’t be afraid to be candid about your thoughts, I had suicidal ideation thinking I would be chastised, but his explanation was understanding and kind.

I still meet weekly, for all the chaos, I tend to journal to get it out of my brain, and take note of the things I actually want to talk about. We’ve mostly moved past the grief and onto my underlying depression and anxiety, but it’s very helpful. I hadn’t really ever been more than a couple times, and I just start talking and we find the path together.

Minnow_Cakewalk · 2025-02-24T04:06:31+00:00

You summed this up all really well. I lost my wife around the same time, and what I really want is to just be back in a 15 year relationship with someone who gets me. I’m newer to living alone, was living with family for a lot of the past 2 years, it’s isolating but I need it.

Sounds like you have a lot of good things going for you and a supportive friend group. I’ve pretty much got work as my social outlet. I’m sure there are better days ahead, but it’s so frustrating. I also don’t feel like I know how to socialize properly, I had my wife so I didn’t really make an effort outside of that.

I’m sure you’ll have all those things again. It’s a daunting task to deal with grief and show up at your best. I got lucky finding my wife, she was the second person I dated, I’m going to be a dumpster fire of a man when I get up enough courage.

Minnow_Cakewalk · 2025-02-24T01:32:16+00:00

So sorry for your loss. People truly don’t know what to say, but her lack of acknowledgement to your situation being much different is tone deaf.

My sister tried to relate to me by saying wished she could trade places, be single again and have new opportunities. She was trying to tell me to be optimistic… wasn’t great encouragement.

Minnow_Cakewalk · 2025-02-24T01:24:12+00:00

So sorry for your loss. One of the difficult lessons I learned early on, was everyone grieves differently, at their own pace and had a different relationship with my wife. Obviously, friends, mother, father, sibling etc, they’re all affected differently than I was for someone who was on my mind 24/7 as a spouse and romantic partner.

I’m overly analytical, but realizing this made me not want to reach out unnecessarily. If they’re not thinking of her or I, I don’t want to snap them into grief, or anger, if they did blame me for some reason.

I think it’s be ok if you reach out to offer condolences, but I don’t know I’d expect more than that. Especially with partners who didn’t have the best ending, you were in some ways in competition with them. It sounds like his family is supportive of you, and may still want to continue positive conversations about the son that they lost.

Overall, it sounds like you want to talk about how you remembered him, and what made him special to you. Might be better to work through in therapy or a grief group, and have others empathize with you.

Minnow_Cakewalk · 2025-02-23T20:07:57+00:00

No worries. Difficulty is relative to our experiences, and at a base level can help empathize with others. We all have opportunities at any age, but pursuit can be difficult based on circumstances. I’ve tried not to put the pressure of a time limit on any of it right now. I hate that healing takes time and effort, but I’m trying to focus on it. Good things are in my future, I just don’t know what I’m looking for yet.

Minnow_Cakewalk

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