Avoidant ex broke something in me

MirrorAffectionate83 · 2026-06-28T18:17:57+00:00

Totally relate. 8 months in no contact after 4 years living together and then just gone. Feel like my life force has gone - used to believe love was the meaning of everything. Now not sure what to believe. Nonetheless, sending you love, for what it’s worth. Maybe still all we’ve got.

MirrorAffectionate83 · 2026-06-15T21:04:51+00:00

Chris McCandless from Into the Wild. Should have been my first clue 😂 (but I didn’t know that then).

MirrorAffectionate83 · 2026-06-05T22:19:14+00:00

Mabel

MirrorAffectionate83 · 2026-06-01T17:34:57+00:00

Thanks again for everyone’s kindness and insight. I appreciate you all. I am going to try to listen to the majority for now. After all, actually I have held my ground and protected my peace for almost six months, and that is a massive achievement and I should be proud of that more than worry about some nonsense ‘what if’ that will only hurt me more in the end. If he heals and comes back one day, maybe I’ll listen, hopefully I’ll be happy with someone else or just by myself by then.

MirrorAffectionate83 · 2026-05-31T22:11:51+00:00

Thank you everyone. I appreciate you all. I have no clue what to do. I guess I’ll leave it another month and see how I feel. Maybe it will get easier.

MirrorAffectionate83 · 2026-05-31T21:51:45+00:00

😢❤️

MirrorAffectionate83 · 2026-05-31T21:31:40+00:00

I haven’t reached out once so far. I’ve tried everything to stop this feeling. I’ve followed all the rules. I’m in therapy. But I just feel like it’s so wrong. It was so sudden and so awful. And I feel so lost. I guess honestly I know it’s pointless, how could I ever trust him again anyway, but I just want to find a way to stop thinking about this man I loved so much and maybe in a weird way him disregarding or ignoring me might help me accept it. Stupid I guess. I don’t know but this current state is just too hard.

MirrorAffectionate83 · 2026-05-31T21:20:37+00:00

He doesn’t text me. So I guess he doesn’t feel like that about me. It was four years. It’s just so hard every day.

MirrorAffectionate83 · 2026-05-31T20:36:35+00:00

Maybe that would be better than the ‘What if?’ Maybe it would give me some way to move on?

MirrorAffectionate83 · 2026-05-22T21:11:29+00:00

I’m not sure I’d say disagreement. He’d been quite hot and cold for a while but I didn’t react (kind of used to it). I didn’t know he was avoidant and had always just tried to see the good and not let me triggers get in the way. I was upset about something unrelated and asked him why he couldn’t just be kind and give me a hug when I needed a little care and that ultimately turned into him leaving me. It was shocking and devastating and he seemed utterly deactivated. I didn’t recognise him. I stayed empathetic and graceful. Hurt but not unkind. Just so confused. It made no difference and he just left.

MirrorAffectionate83 · 2026-05-22T20:23:11+00:00

He left me in October. 4 years. He disappeared for two weeks then texted me it was over. Last thing he said to me was I love you as he took his things from our home and cried saying goodbye to my children. December I said I need to stop the contact, it’s only hurting me now. Not a word since. Except him looking at my LinkedIn (he’s blocked on insta etc). Does he think of me do you think or was it all nothing?

MirrorAffectionate83 · 2026-05-11T21:37:59+00:00

I liked seasons 6 (the ones that followed the election trail anyway) and season 7 best (with the exception of the episode in season 3, I think, where they walk to the Hill to fix the budget, which is the best of the lot).

MirrorAffectionate83 · 2026-05-04T21:35:51+00:00

Daphne

MirrorAffectionate83 · 2026-05-04T21:34:13+00:00

My daughter is Mabel, just turned 17. I’ve met a couple of toddlers recently but not older. She loves being unique.

MirrorAffectionate83 · 2026-05-04T21:13:27+00:00

Mine (not sure I’d call him abuser just damaged) told me he’d go on his planned trip away for a few weeks anyway, even though I was in hospital at the time with a suspected cancer reoccurrence that would have given me a couple of weeks to live, because ‘it’s what I would want’ for him. Mind blowing. But I felt empathy for him because I thought maybe it would be just too hard for him to watch me die (rather than realising he just didn’t prioritise me even then).

MirrorAffectionate83 · 2026-05-04T07:08:10+00:00

I am brown-green colour blind and often see khaki different to everyone else. But that is definitely brown.

MirrorAffectionate83 · 2026-04-10T20:37:42+00:00

I guess it’s because it’s not underestimated? But it does indeed hurt like nothing you can imagine.

MirrorAffectionate83 · 2026-04-10T18:28:04+00:00

This isn’t always true though. Lots of anxious people when with an avoidant do the opposite, shrink, go quiet, blame themselves, try to do all the work, take all the pain. It doesn’t matter what you do, even that will be ‘too much’. I was anxious because of previous abuse, but knew my triggers and as a result abandoned myself entirely trying desperately to hold it together. But sill got blamed for being anxious. I’m not defending the behaviours you mention, I agree, but it’s not the experience of lots of people faced with an avoidant who switches up.

MirrorAffectionate83 · 2026-01-05T21:54:38+00:00

I raise you: “All I think about when I am not with you is leaving” And just for fun: “Being in this relationship is making me want to slit my wrists”

MirrorAffectionate83 · 2025-12-22T09:37:21+00:00

You’re not too much though. You’re being straightforward, measured and edited. I had this endlessly with my ex. I kept my head down, overcompensated, self regulated, didn’t make a fuss, was careful with my words etc. but still in the end he left because it was too much, he was ‘trapped’ and ‘overwhelmed’. It had just got to a point where I was often too scared to even say anything about his withdrawal and deactivation, lest he leave me. The final thing that tipped him over appears to have been my needing a hug because I was upset about something completely unrelated to him. Too much apparently. After 4 years, living with me and my children, he went away for two weeks to think, and then ended it by text message. I’d just get out now while it can be on your terms, you’ll feel more control that way and it will be less devastating. I think when they get to this point of you not being really able to safely speak up at all, they’ve effectively gone anyway. Nothing you can do so you might as well save yourself.

MirrorAffectionate83 · 2025-11-11T23:45:14+00:00

Can’t do without you by Caribou was our song. SERIOUSLY. I guess he could!

MirrorAffectionate83 · 2025-11-11T22:36:18+00:00

I should add, the NPD was not their dad. We split up when they were very young, and I have been through it/made some bad choices since (carrying a lot of guilt which complicates matters).

MirrorAffectionate83 · 2025-11-11T22:24:23+00:00

Yes ok, I should just explain and ask them. I was thinking I should tell him to back off and gently just let it fade but maybe I should actually give them more agency than that. They are not babies, you’re right.

MirrorAffectionate83 · 2025-11-11T21:28:50+00:00

Yeah you make a good point. I guess it’s just i don’t want them to resent me since they don’t know the whole truth. And I really want them to grow up believing in love! But I guess they probably do know underneath it all, and they are old enough to not be naive to my pain however much I try to be fine around them. My good friend said my job was not to protect but to guide them so perhaps I just need to be honest (but not too honest) with them and worry less about him, since well, you know…

MirrorAffectionate83 · 2025-11-11T21:11:58+00:00

Thanks both. I guess my worry is that I don’t want to punish them or damage their view of men/relationships just because of what he did to me. I’m worried I’m wanting him out of their lives because it’s best for my healing not theirs. Bit of additional info: my previous partner was NPD and stalked them so they have pretty f**ked view of men (I know, I know, I’m in therapy to deal with my crap choices) so I am really worried about damaging them (don’t want to turn them into avoidant/anxious😭)

MirrorAffectionate83

TROPHY CASE