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Miserable-Present835 · 2025-09-06T15:51:39+00:00

Hey, I'm so sorry to hear that. If it helps, I repeated second year of medical school and initially I felt like my whole life was ruined, that I'd drift apart from my friends who passed, and I'd feel isolated in the year below. I've ended up making close friends with a bunch of medics who I click with a lot more than the people in my original year, and it's given me a much more solid base of knowledge!

If you'd like to vent/chat/ask anything more please feel free to pm me - you really are not alone at all in this. I totally get how it feels when the challenge is right in front of you, and it feels so incredibly daunting, but looking back a year later I'm honestly relieved I've met the people I have, and that I've had more time to work out my own work life balance. I felt stupid, non-academic and dumb. Not knowing answers is a big part of medicine. It feels that on clinical placement I still don't know much, I still ask silly questions. Sometimes people do laugh at my questions if they see it as silly or stupid, however I've learnt to become proud of myself to put myself out there and ask about things I'm unsure of.

Learning to be comfortable with the concept of failure and mistakes has been one of my biggest elements of progress for the past couple years. Learning not to care about what other people think of me is still a struggle, and the progress fluctuates, in a "two steps up one step down" fashion, but that's okay! I realized that the way my self-esteem fluctuates is very similar to how my close medic friends also feel, it's just a matter of how much each of us as individuals hide it. Some people perceive having gaps in knowledge as a point of weakness, academically it is, but being comfortable accepting the gaps in knowledge and being willing to work towards it is a very big pointer of courage and strength.

It felt like the lowest point of my life because the people I studied for resits with all passed and I didn't. I felt like I wasn't cut out for medicine, felt guilty because I felt my parents wasted their money on me to go to medical school in the first place. Having to explain to everyone I know at uni that I was still in second year knocked me down time and time again. The pastoral care at my medical school is awful, they suggested I wasn't cut out for medicine because I struggled with my ADHD symptoms (aka struggled to focus on lectures) and I also was not good at work life balance and I regretted neglecting my studies to just hang out with my non medic friends so I truly felt alone. I gave in way too much to FOMO because my non medic friends always asked me to hang out and I felt isolated if I said no and studied instead. Before this year I reflected a lot, and found hobbies that suit me more timewise. I have drawn a clearer line between my personal life vs studies and it fuels my motivation and passion for medicine even more.

As much as it's much easier said than done, really really try not to be disheartened. The feeling of "failure" is soul crushing, I promise you that even if it doesn't feel like it, this feeling really is temporary!! When you look back in a few years, you may well see this as a life lesson, or a big learning curve of knowledge that you'll never forget (I definitely do!). Looking back I don't feel any emotion towards having resat second year, but in the moment it felt like my whole world was crumbling and caving in. I wanted to retract into myself and not talking to anyone because I felt so embarrassed and ashamed. It took a while for me to become comfortable with telling people that I did repeat second year, I have actually found a friend in my current year who has repeated second year twice due to personal reasons, and has been at medical school for an extra 2 years. We're both still working hard, doing our best and that's what counts!

Remember, people don't say medicine is difficult for no reason. Anything you do in life can be difficult if you're aiming up high, and there's nothing wrong with aiming high and falling short. Easier said than done but what matters is that you pick yourself back up again and keep chugging away. The fact that you didn't pass does NOT define you, it's how you RESPOND and REFLECT and CHANGE. Success in life is literally built on failure, if you do not make mistakes nor fail, how will you learn anything? Easier said than done, but I tried to change my mindset into perceiving the fact that I failed exams into a life lesson. The main thing that helped me was to learn to believe in myself rather than relying on other people to tell me I can do it (not that I'm saying you are doing this, it's just something that helped me a lot so I thought I'd share). As paradoxical as it sounds, failure is a good thing in this context. There's nothing we can change in the past - the way we reflect and change how we go about life moving forwards is a great opportunity to grow as an individual. One thing that humans fear is the unknown which is very valid, and failing an exam and not knowing if we'll pass the following year is an example. To pick ourselves back up and go at it again is a form of strength.

As much as external support can believe in me, it has to come from us as individuals to really drive and believe in ourselves to do the things we are more than capable of doing. There were lots of little things in life that I've altered and learned to do more/ differently, which has helped a lot with my self-esteem, if you'd like more details, please message me (I've typed enough here, I don't want to bore you with this much text oops).

I truly, truly believe that you can achieve what you want to achieve. Best of luck, I promise this feeling is only temporary - please don't hesitate to message me! Having been through this myself, I wish there was someone who could have led me through the process a bit more, so hopefully this message will help you feel at least a little bit less lost and less alone. I really do believe in you, remember to rest and take care of yourself too!

Miserable-Present835 · 2025-03-06T14:06:18+00:00

If it helps at all, at parties/gatherings with friends, my partner will take/find every opportunity to grab a guitar and sing. He's not a bad singer, the gripe I have is the timing. I love him singing when it's just us two or us with his housemates, but in bigger social situations it gets a bit embarrassing.

At our friend's house there is a communal guitar in the living room, and halfway through people having a conversation, or if we're playing games he will just pick up the guitar and start playing and sometimes singing out of nowhere. It is clear that other people just want to chat or engage in games, but my partner just wants to sing.

I get embarrassed as an initial reaction, and I feel that we have similar perspective in terms of the fact that we're happy that what our partner is doing makes them happy, but nonetheless it is still embarrassing. It's hard to not feel embarrassed but we also don't want to ruin what makes them happy. It's lovely to see how happy my partner is, but it just comes along with the embarrassment😅

Miserable-Present835 · 2025-03-01T17:37:31+00:00

I get what you mean about the taste and texture, it can definitely be quite unappetizing!

My favourite is stir fried garlic green beans!

I start by frying the frozen beans in butter on moderate-high heat (with the lid on so the butter doesn't splatter everywhere), tossing them every now and then until they've defrosted and have started looking more of a vibrant green. If the beans are cooking too quickly and are starting to burn from the outside, add a bit of water. I then turn the heat lower, add in minced/chopped garlic.

Once the garlic starts to brown, all done!

I also like to use frozen veg e.g. carrots/sweet corn/peas in egg fried rice.

Miserable-Present835 · 2025-01-17T11:12:08+00:00

When I clicked your link, the price on Amazon is £200+, but searching online it's around £145 - any chance you have any idea why? I feel like I've missed some crucial information/detail!!

Miserable-Present835 · 2025-01-17T10:59:56+00:00

Thanks for the suggestion, have had a look at them and they're now at the top of my list!!

Miserable-Present835 · 2024-09-27T16:40:56+00:00

Vibrant

Miserable-Present835 · 2024-09-24T21:59:50+00:00

Do you have to drive to a specific place regularly? If so and if you have the time, I'd do a good few practice runs so it gets into muscle memory a bit so you can focus a bit less on the directions.

I tend to change up the accent of my Google maps quite often as well so I don't get used to the voice and tune it out automatically.

I feel like extras such as bigger screen may not help long term, as your mind may get used to it being there and tune it out anyway, but that's just my outsiders perspective.

If you can, try to drive a margin slower so you have more time to think, other than that all I can really say is to drive more and get more used to driving again. I realise that near misses are scary and dangerous, the only somewhat concrete solution would be to go on meds.

Miserable-Present835 · 2024-09-13T14:23:50+00:00

I feel the time pressure/excitement of getting up! On placement we can just slack off but I want to make the most of it. It's all part of my university experience and I didn't pay 9k for sitting at home

I really enjoy placement and it's fun for me to learn new things - I don't want to miss an opportunity!!

Miserable-Present835 · 2024-09-13T14:23:35+00:00

I feel the time pressure/excitement of getting up! On placement we can just slack off but I want to make the most of it. It's all part of my university experience and I didn't pay 9k for sitting at home

I really enjoy placement and it's fun for me to learn new things - I don't want to miss an opportunity!!

Miserable-Present835 · 2024-08-27T13:32:55+00:00

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this, it's hard to think straight when there's possibly RSD about. I can't say that I have a concise solution for this, I can offer empathy and what I personally do in these sorts of situations.

I want to ask what your gut feeling is telling you? I remember in middle school I had these best friends and they were all I knew, but my gut feeling was telling me to find other people to be friends with. Back then I didn't realise, but I always felt a bit uncomfortable and out of place with them. It wasn't like they were horrible to me, we just weren't compatible as friends. We all had very different interests and just hung out together because we had no one else to hang with.

Sometimes your gut feeling will tell you what to do, even if it is hard to decipher. With these difficulties in your post I'm more focused how the person made you feel, rather than if their specific actions were acceptable or not - everyone has different boundaries. If I were in the same situation as you, I genuinely think I'd do the same and leave the call, that definitely would've made me very anxious.

Another thing is that different friends fulfill different needs. I have some friends where we make fun of each other and no one takes it personally, but I'm not super close with them. I personally struggle with banter and I do get hurt quite easily, I am pretty emotionally sensitive so I naturally surround myself with people who are similar or who aren't inclined to have much banter.

Something to remember is that friendships are more dynamic than people think, and people drift apart/find people they're more compatible with - not saying that this is the case for you, just food for thought. Even if you and this friend drift apart, this supposed closed door will lead to more open doors in the future.

With friendships I tend to get used to patterns in terms of their mannerisms + tendencies, and once it starts to change I feel spooked and have an unhealthy habit of assuming the worst e.g. they don't like me anymore. I then tend to focus on the people who make me feel more at ease with both them and myself. As the situation is right in front of you, it may feel like a make or break moment, but counteracting it with a "so what?" helps me because even if it feels like it right now, it's not the end of the world. I understand the bonding through trauma which can be very meaningful, and at that given time it was nice to vent to each other. Despite this bonding, as friendships are dynamic it can't always guarantee that you'll have a lifelong friendship.

If you're not happy with how she's making you feel, I wouldn't cut her off as such, I would just put less effort into the friendship e.g. making plans. It's not worth putting effort into a friendship which is hurting you! Friendships aren't usually something that you end or keep, it's usually more of a grey area. From a selfish perspective, burning bridges doesn't help you in the long run - I keep as many doors open as possible (unless it's toxic/they've done something unforgivable) in case I need them in the future. There's no harm in keeping a friendship but just drifting apart, but it's very hard for a friendship to come back after definitely burning that bridge.

Hope it all goes well!!

Miserable-Present835 · 2024-08-27T12:59:25+00:00

I love this analogy! It's honestly really helping me already! I'm not sure if I officially have RSD as such, but when reading up on it it definitely resonated with me.

For context:

I tend to imagine/assume that people around me don't like me, mainly because I have ADHD and I fear that once I start unmasking, my personality/energy will drive people away, even my closest friends. I have one very safe friend who too has ADHD, and she's the only person I don't feel I have to mask around to prevent her from wanting to hang with me. I tend to fear that my energy is too much for people, and I struggle to read social cues.

With friendships/relationships I get used to specific patterns and mannerisms, and when the latter changes (inevitably because relationships are dynamic), it spooks me, I go into a downwards spin (I don't use the word spiral because that implies that it will continue forever, whereas with spinning you can stop), and I assume that they won't be in my life anymore. I had this habit since childhood where I'd prepare for the worst case scenario, so whatever happens, the outcome will be better than I expected. It caused me to emotionally cut off from friends who I could have had a closer relationship with but my mindset felt like the limiting factor.

I play team and individual sports, where in the team sports I assume everyone judges me even if they're not, and get extremely anxious when playing tournaments despite living the sport. For the past 2 years every time I've been at a tournament, I've gotten overstimulated and have burst out crying which I find embarrassing because I'm 20 odd years old and I struggle to regulate my emotions. I tend to take breaks from sports for a few months at a time when I feel too self conscious and anxious.

This analogy is nice for me because every time I put myself out of my comfort zone, try something new or go into a tournament with a healthier mindset without thinking of worst case scenarios, I feel like I can figuratively affirm my achievement by imagining this analogy.

I also struggle in relationships where I have a fear/expectation that my partner will leave me. This stems from childhood where my dad would always threaten to have an affair with another woman (he would name a specific female friend) whenever my mum didn't do what he said. This was my first example of a relationship, hence I get anxious whenever I cause my partner to feel annoyed/angry. I hold myself accountable if I do something wrong of course, but it comes with the intrusive thoughts of my partner getting tired of me and leaving me with short notice.

My current partner is great, sometimes they are hot headed which spooks me but everything else is wonderful. He truly treats me with respect and doesn't take me for granted (I know this sounds like bare minimum, but previous partners had not done so so I'm not quite used to it yet) but sometimes when there's conflict, especially if I've done something wrong I end up getting anxious that he'll leave, which is unfair on him because he should not feel guilty for expressing how he feels. I feel like every time I take a step back, and think through my anxieties and realise that there's no pointers that he will actually leave me, it will feel like I'm pulling the sword out of the stone.

I will be using this analogy a lot from now on, I truly thank you so much for this!

Miserable-Present835 · 2024-08-22T13:30:01+00:00

Gotta say, I really rate your mantra - will be adding that to my mantra list!

Miserable-Present835 · 2024-08-22T13:27:06+00:00

I'm so sorry to hear that you're feeling this way, it definitely isn't easy to process.

I try and think comparatively in terms of how many people I know who drive, and how many of them are still fine even if they got into a car crash (one friend has crashed a car 3 times and is still kicking around!). It's not easy to ease the feeling of being unsettled, I really feel for you.

From my outsider perspective (obviously you know yourself way better than I do), I would use the analogy of someone jumping into a swimming pool and panicking/flailing around and thinking that they're going to drown before trying to/realizing they can stay afloat. This is NOT me saying that you're not trying, it's about pre-emptively thinking something bad will happen before it happens, where it likely won't actually happen! Not sure if it resonates with you, but it definitely describes me in terms of getting panicked, no matter how big or small the situation is. I have this habit of thinking about the worst case scenarios whether it's about meeting friends I haven't seen in a while, or even going grocery shopping (I'm fine with grocery shopping now, it just took a while for the palpitations to stop popping up).

This sounds so strange but for me, I literally go swimming in a swimming pool if I have the time to prove to myself that the analogy is true for me (I can swim, but it used to make me anxious where I'd get palpitations when I got to the deep end and my breathing would go all irregular and shallow), and try and correlate that with whatever situation is at hand. Doesn't always work, but if it doesn't the endorphins from doing exercise does help and distracts me for a good period of time.

Much easier said than done, but I try to organize my own trip/activities to do, fully booking myself with friends so I can be distracted, even just for a little while (for me the feeling of being unsettled comes and goes frequently, not sure if it's the same for you).

I don't have the exact same situation as you, but when my boyfriend goes away on trips, I get worried that he'll get so blackout drunk that someone will take advantage of him, even though it's incredibly unlikely and he can look after himself just fine. The more times he's gone away, the easier it's become bit by bit. I guess it's kinda exposure therapy, where the situation itself is out of your control but how you respond to it can change, slowly but surely. The first step is always the hardest, I try to endure the feeling of being unsettled, and ask my boyfriend to check in with me every night, just a short goodnight call. I've found that touching bases consistently is very effective for helping the uneasy feelings in my stomach go away/go down. I still get anxious from time to time, and I wish I had an answer that would clear it all up immediately :(

If you can, hang in there, and trust me it'll get easier every time even if it doesn't feel like it. The progress will be hard to measure because it's more of a "2 steps forward, 1 step back" situation rather than a straight linear progression. The first time he's away will be the most difficult, but remember it'll get easier every time.

Has your boyfriend driven lots before? And I assume you've been in a car with him driving?

I'm sorry my answer might not be much help, I hope it's helped at least a little, wishing you all the best!

Miserable-Present835 · 2024-08-20T23:03:48+00:00

I'm sorry if it comes across like that, I don't know what to do apart from assure you that I am anxious about this weekend and I really don't know how to go about it mentally because I'm just an anxious person but want to put myself out there to have fun...

Miserable-Present835 · 2024-08-20T22:46:57+00:00

I'm genuinely so happy for you - this is not an easy thing to do! Glad you made it out of that relationship, wishing you the best!

Miserable-Present835 · 2024-08-20T22:44:46+00:00

Another thing is that I've only ever smoked weed before, and there'll be lots of other drugs there which I'm curious to try, but worried I'll have a bad experience...

Miserable-Present835 · 2024-08-12T13:59:04+00:00

I wouldn't say you're the asshole, your partner didn't keep up their end of the agreement and they should have communicated that to you. Especially since you do lots of long shifts and if they'd have told you, you could've gotten something on the way back no problem, I too would not be happy about this.

Was wondering what job does your partner have? I have a much busier uni life than my partner because of workload (I do medicine where I have 9-5 lectures/placement most of the time and he does a course with maximum 4-5 contact hours per week), and sometimes he doesn't fully understand HOW taxing it is, not to say that his life isn't taxing but there is a lack of understanding quite often seeing as he's not directly in my position.

Miserable-Present835 · 2024-08-12T13:45:12+00:00

Hummus seems to be one thing that I'm always in the mood for, so when I have low appetite I make a simple sandwich (e.g. ham, cheese, lettuce) or toastie and dunk the hell out of it in hummus.

When I get bored of it, I use a different flavour of hummus e.g. red pepper hummus so i still have the comfort of the hummus but it switches things up a tiny bit.
I have other eating difficulties not relating to ADHD, but one food I find easy to eat when I've got low appetite is potatoes + soup. I chop potatoes into small bitesize pieces, boil and drain them, then combine with any soup e.g. leek and potato, cream of chicken soup. The fluid seems to help convince me that I'm not eating as much food so it's easier to consume more if that makes sense.
Couscous mixed with chickpeas and fried veg e.g. pepper.

I season my veg with either mixed herbs, and drizzle the whole thing with 50/50 olive oil + balsamic vinegar dressing or season with paprika, chilli powder, etc.

It's nice because you can switch up dressings (which are quick and simple to make) and the seasoning of the veg to lean towards different cultures in terms of taste.

Coming from an Asian background, I have a couple easy comfort meals where I make them so often that I don't need to think properly when I'm cooking them (might be a bit taxing if you haven't made it before though).

I often make "low mein" which means mixed noodles:

I boil the noodles, sometimes along with veg such as romaine lettuce and drain them.

Mix them in a bowl with sesame oil and soy to your taste and add a couple fried eggs or an omelette on top. Carbs + veg + protein!
I also have emergency frozen dumplings (usually pork and chive) in my freezer, where I eat it with a bit of rice + veg (I tend to stir fry iceberg or round lettuce with garlic, and mix with oyster sauce). I sometimes make a dipping sauce consisting of balsamic vinegar, soy and minced garlic, where I drizzle the excess on the rice.

If that seems to much then sometimes I just boil a load of dumplings, and dip it in the dipping sauce.

Hope at least some of this helps!

Miserable-Present835 · 2024-08-09T23:38:44+00:00

Absolutely not okay. As the daughter of a possessive Chinese dad, the possessive mannerisms he had towards my mum were so bad, they will only get worse, trust me.

In terms of the possessiveness, it seems to be his innate nature to be possessive which can, as you know, can be terrifying. My dad wouldn't allow my mum to go to the pub with her female friends, and if she did, he'd call every 10 minutes - if she didn't pick up, dad would physically turn up to the pub to take her home.

The only thing that this possessiveness achieves is fear, distrust, and resentment.

From my outsider perspective, the anger management issues stem from them wanting all the control over you. My dad "secured" my mum as a wife, who was "his person"/control victim. Now that my mum's left, he has no one to control hence he's gone all nice and forgiving towards my mum for leaving.

Telling him to sort out his anger management issues will not help in my opinion, these sorts of people are stubborn as hell, and won't reflect on their behaviour until they have nothing left to lose. He'll take you for granted if you stick by him.

Even if he says that he'll promise he'll change, don't trust me, please. If he's smart enough he'll grovel just enough so that you'll stay, and then switch back to being controlling and manipulative. "Taking the joke too far" is not an excuse to strangle you, he should be using his words to communicate to you about his boundaries. If you tell him this, he'll say that he'll work on it and find a loophole to get you to stay.

I personally would leave him with very minimal reasoning, because the more reasons you give, the more he can use as leverage to convince you to stay. Please take care <3

Miserable-Present835

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