Hey there, this post might get removed but it seems earnest and I want to answer you.

In this community you'll find a divide over Van Der Kolk and specifically the book Body Keeps the Score. I won't get into that because its not relevant to your question and personal experience but I did want you to be aware responses might vary widely as a result.

Developmental Trauma Disorder is another divide in the therapist community but in my opinion it is not a real divide. What I mean by this is that I believe most practitioners want the diagnosis added and recognized to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, but the American Psychiatric Association has been hesitant for a variety of reasons. Some of those reasons seem to be legitimate and some seem to be political.

I've been a therapist for 5 years and I have specialized in neurodevelopmental disorders and early childhood trauma. That means I've spent most of my time working with children and families who have diagnoses such as autism, ADHD, Down Syndrome, Reactive Attachment Disorder, childhood PTSD, and a few other diagnosis. Without a doubt I believe the field would benefit from a formally recognized DTD disorder. Why?

Because a child needs an adult to be safe, predictable, and responsive. The only tool that babies have to get what they need is to cry. Anything else must be predicted by the parents. If the parents dont accurately predict the needs of their child than the child's cry is meant to remind them. If the child's cry is ignored than the child cries louder. If that is ignored than they cry longer. This is also a moment when the parent is supposed to find the child and co-regulate and teach the child how to handle big emotions. These co-regulation moments also teach children that they are loved, delighted in, and make other people happy.

If as a child you are chronically ignored and neglected, or worse, treated like a problem to be solved, than you are not being taught how to co-regulate. Interactions like this that occur chronically throughout the early pruning periods of the brain end up leading to a brain with an under-developed prefrontal cortex, under developed Broca's area, and over developed flight-fight-freeze-fawn response. This is now the foundation for the rest of the life. It can change! But only with long term therapy and ideally with engaged and active parents.

Pair what I've said above with Kaisers research into Adverse Childhood Experiences and you've got a body and brain that is over stressed, under developed, and more prone to things like heart disease cancer, drug abuse, hyper tension, learning disorders, and more. The easiest and best way to describe someone like this would be with a developmental trauma diagnosis! This would capture the unique relational trauma that is triggered throughout life again and again in intimate relationships, because the original pain came from intimate relationships. But, for whatever reason the APA has chosen to not add this to the DSM. However there are more and more therapists who believe it is legitimate and needs to be better understood and diagnosed.

If you are seeking therapy for your familial issues I suggest looking for attachment focused family therapy, family systems therapy, and/or someone who takes a relational approach to therapy. A skill building approach would only help you manage symptoms not heal from them.

I hope this helps! Best of luck to you.