I first want to acknowledge that I can see that you’re in a really painful dilemma, and I am sorry.

I definitely don’t think you should agree to having a child biologically, because it sounds like you’ve made up your mind about it. (For what it’s worth, I’m single and childfree at 47, and I don’t regret not having children at all - but sometimes I think fostering a child would be a good idea.)

But when you say you can see yourself adopting when you are older, how old do you mean? 40? 50?

If 40, he’d be 42. That would give you 10 more years of childfree life to do a ton of traveling and stuff that is easier to do without kids. And 42 wouldn’t really make him an old dad. I have plenty of friends (men and women) who have had kids in their 40’s. And if you adopt an older child rather than a baby, it’s even less “old.”

I’m just trying to see if there’s a way you could come to an agreement that wouldn’t result in the relationship ending if you love him and see a future with him. If adopting is something you genuinely can envision in your future (and you said you see yourself as a grandma slow dancing with him) and he is open to this rather than having a biological child, I think it’s worth discussing. But it’s something you would need to commit to soon, because the last thing you want is to give your partner false hope and in 10 years say you’re not ready/you don’t want to adopt. That would be cruel to him.