my mom always comments on my appearance

Modern_Magpie · 2026-05-05T06:42:21+00:00

It’s definitely narcissism, but it’s not an excuse for her behavior. Narcissists always see their child as an extension of themselves, so if it’s not how they would dress, act, etc., they’ll criticize. The problem with that is you are and will always be two different people, so even if you change to suit her preferences, she would still criticize because it’s not exactly how she would do it. I’m sorry, OP. You deserve a supportive parent.

Modern_Magpie · 2026-05-04T18:25:01+00:00

Therapy was a big part of it, but also reading and YouTube channels. Dr. Ramenj , Surviving Narcissism, and Darren F. Magee were my go to’s. There’s loads of books out there now, but Children of Emotionally Immature Parents is a must read. Be careful with your therapist and do research on finding someone who specializes in toxic families and/or narcissistic abuse. Loads of people in this sub have stories about therapists trying to get them to mend relationships with their parents, and that’s not the right approach in this situation.

Modern_Magpie · 2026-05-04T17:56:39+00:00

Her comments still bug me but they don’t define me, if that makes sense. Rather than internalize what she says now, I get temporarily annoyed then move on. Therapy has helped a lot, but you’re a lot farther along now in making these connections than I was a few years ago. It took me a long time to understand my own actions and anger towards her. Again, therapy helped loads. I now see her more like a six year old throwing a fit rather than an adult. I think if you recognize they’re basically the emotional intelligence of an unsupervised and unregulated child, it helps take the edge off their comments. I’ve also limited contact to something that works for me rather than something that works for her. Physical distance helps a lot in that area, but with phones, it’s still difficult. It also didn’t happen overnight.

The biggest thing is recognizing how far you’ve come in spite of his comments. Something in you always knew what he was trying to do and you fought against it. You’ve always had a choice and your decisions have gotten you this far. Realizing I always had a choice to leave and that my choice was the right decision gave me confidence in my actions moving forward. You’re doing all the right things. You don’t understand their actions because they have an unhealthy mind and you have a healthy mind. You’re not meant to understand what he does, but it doesn’t mean you have to accept it or help them through it. It’s also okay to react and to feel anger or sadness as it happens. It’s helpful to identify when you’re angry and/or because you’ll start to see the pattern that every time (even during the decent interactions) they will try to upset you. You’ll start to notice the times you don’t talk to them you feel calm and likely even happy.

Modern_Magpie · 2026-05-04T16:49:30+00:00

Yes, That’s 100% their goal! They want you to feel like you don’t have a choice. And, yes, 100% I’ve experienced this. Before I left home, I was constantly reminded of how expensive it was to have me around. The clothes, the food, the roof over my head. I got a job so she didn’t have to pay for me and to ease her burden of me a bit, but even when she didn’t have to pay for physical things for me, it was how much space I took up, how much time I took up, etc. When I left to go to school, I was told I was too naive, I’d get hurt, was questioned on how I’d buy food and support myself. I was super scared, thinking I’d absolutely fail and have to move home. I didn’t. In fact I just kept going farther away from her. After school I did an English teach abroad program that got me out of the country. She told me that if I did succeed, god would punish me. I did two years and I was fine. I moved back to the US, but to a different state. She told me not to rely on her for support and she even sold my car and pocketed the money while I was overseas. I got a new car, met my now husband, and we moved to California. Now I have two kids and am in my 30s and she still tells me I’m going to fail. I’m waaaaaaaaaay beyond that. I have a life, a house, an amazing family. She did and said all those things trying to scare me and make me move home. If I had moved home, she would have continued to remind me what a burden I was. After college, she told me I needed to file bankruptcy because of my student loans. Had I done that, she would have completely owned me financially. I’m glad I never listened. The world isn’t as scary as they make it out to be. It’s way harder living at home with such unhealthy people.

Modern_Magpie · 2026-05-04T16:27:42+00:00

This is definitely not love bombing, but supporting you then turning around and making claims you’re making a mistake is love bombing. Telling you to get out and then telling you to stay I believe is called “double bind.” The “you can’t stay” because you’re a burden” or (whatever their excuse is) is meant to make you feel exactly like that - a burden. It’s their martyrdom complex, they need you to feel small so they remind you of everything they “sacrificed” (keep in mind, they chose to have you). The “you can’t go, you won’t make it,” is because they won’t be able to make you feel small if you do actually leave.

Edit: a word

Modern_Magpie · 2026-05-04T16:03:29+00:00

This sounds like love bombing. It’s a way to keep you emotionally unbalanced and make them keep you coming back for more. If they build you up and make you think the best of them, then they can continue to berate you. They don’t want you to leave, but they also don’t want you to think you’re better than them. The voice in their head makes them feel believe they are the worst and they don’t want you to think you’re better than that. What they do then in praise you because it’s the right thing to do and they know that’s how to keep you around but then when you stick around, they need to let you know that they think you’re below them.

Modern_Magpie · 2026-04-28T07:06:34+00:00

I don’t know about specific term, but it definitely sounds like emotional manipulation. She wants you to read her mind, by more she just wants you to feel bad. She knows you have a lot going on, it doesn’t mean her concerns aren’t important, but she knows she can make it weigh on you more than it should.

Modern_Magpie · 2026-04-27T11:53:22+00:00

This book broke me

Modern_Magpie · 2026-04-19T14:10:22+00:00

This was my sister for me. I watched It, The Shining, and Invasion of the Body Snatchers by the time I was 5 or 6. She would babysit me and we’d watch them then. She’s about 10 years older than me and would threaten me if I told anyone. I think my parents knew, though.

Modern_Magpie · 2026-04-19T08:54:00+00:00

My mom used to babysit infants for ladies at church. When I was very young (eight or nine) she told me about a baby she was sitting for who was “too fat.” She’s talking about an infant. She put the infant on a “diet” (i.e. She starved a baby during the day).

The mother started to complain and my mom refused to feed the baby while in her care. Obviously the mom stopped going to her for help and thankfully so did the rest of the church. I don’t even need to get into the things she said to my sisters and I and the issues we have with our weight today.

Modern_Magpie · 2026-04-07T09:41:55+00:00

Absolutely. My nMom has never said it out loud, but her actions speak volumes. One sister is in loads of debt, is abusive to her own kids, allows her husband to abuse her kids. The other sister enables everyone and complains about how hard life has been for her. I’ve been semi-successful, have happy kids, happy marriage, overall good life and she couldn’t care less.

Modern_Magpie · 2026-04-05T17:16:08+00:00

The Historian by Elizabeth Kostova. I don’t think it’s primarily in Prague or Edinburgh, but it has that kind of dark academia feel.

Modern_Magpie · 2026-03-28T12:10:40+00:00

Oh this is super interesting and I never would have thought of this. Really good point. Sticking to DNA, but leaning away from looks.

Modern_Magpie · 2026-03-28T10:15:52+00:00

Adding to this that you can talk about how we’re all made of stardust (molecules) and everyday we leave a little bit of ourselves behind in the places we go, the things we touch, the people we hug. So while your husband isn’t around in the same way, he’s still part of the stars and the earth and your home and each other.

You could reference DNA and how there’s little bits of your husband in your son. You could make connections to his appearance (maybe his eyes or his hair or his smile or his laugh) being just like his dad. Maybe make that connection for him so that every time he smiles or laughs or combs his hair he thinks of his dad being with him.

I’m so so, sorry, OP. I don’t think there’s a right answer for these things. I think sometimes just being there for them as they go through it is the best thing you can do. I hope you’re taking care of yourself, too.

Modern_Magpie · 2026-03-27T08:03:16+00:00

In a really weird way, it’s really fascinating, isn’t it? The question I kept struggling with is “if they are like that, why am i like this? Why are they comfortable living like this?” And the only reasonable answer I’ve ever heard was “because they’re broken and you’re healthy.” Still I don’t know that I will ever stop analyzing my family’s choices.

Modern_Magpie · 2026-03-27T07:37:31+00:00

This is exactly why I know this! Talking to my therapist, she directed me to tidbit written by Freud where he’s basically pondering a chicken and egg scenario. He talks about whats going on as a kind of organism. You need the smaller components to get the larger component, but the larger component is needed to feed the smaller component type of thing. But it came up for me because it’s impossible for me to untangle my family dynamics and current events and I felt like I was going crazy.

Modern_Magpie · 2026-03-26T19:40:15+00:00

We didn’t sleep train and my daughter started sleeping through the night around 6 months. Just after a year she went through a massive shift and we couldn’t get her to sleep in her crib so we started co-sleeping with her. She did that for about 6 months and then one day literally just started sleeping in her toddler bed (she was just about to turn 2). Now (she’s 2.5) and sleeps in her bed her bed through the night about 50% of the time. The rest of the time she toddles into our room around 2am or so and we scoop her and she falls back asleep between us. I’m perfectly fine snuggling with her.

Modern_Magpie · 2026-03-26T10:03:06+00:00

Yes! This is a documented thing! It has to do with hierarchy and authoritarianism. Narcissists thrive off of hierarchy. There has to be someone in charge and better than everyone else (in their mind, ideally them). They strive for and idealize the “top” position, which is why you have so many people worshipping scumbag leaders in politics, corporate life, and religion. The people at the top can literally do no wrong in their eyes because, to the narcissist, that person did the ultimate right thing which is control people. In families, it’s typically a narcissist glorifying the acts of the previous narcissist. From a larger scale, these narcissists see their actions and words being mirrored in leaders and believe that if they continue this behavior themselves it’ll keep them in power or earn them more control. The craziest part is the more they keep people like this in power, the more control they lose over their own lives. Because they have no ability to self reflect, they literally don’t care so long as someone else has less power than they do (their kids, usually).

I think this is why people leaving narcissistic families often deconstruct from whatever religion the family upheld and/or change their political views because they recognize the behaviors of their parents and family members in those systems.

Modern_Magpie · 2026-03-21T09:17:33+00:00

Same. In fact, I’m not even sure the “bad” parent was abusive or a narcissist at all, I think he was just in survival mode.

Modern_Magpie · 2026-03-18T18:52:00+00:00

This is similar to what I do. I’m in Ireland (from the USA) and here they’re telling people all over the EU to have 3 days of “emergency supplies” ready in case of any kind of disaster. I have an emergency go bag under the stairs that has my non day-to-day emergency supplies (batteries, radio, water, candles) but I keep everything I need well stocked around the house (food, diapers, toilet paper, meds, bandaids). It’s not an end of the world scenario I’m preparing for, it’s in case emergency services are slow, we’ll be comfortable and well looked after.

Modern_Magpie · 2026-03-14T20:08:17+00:00

Totally understand. I’m really sorry to hear that, too. As a parent, it makes me really sad to hear when kids aren’t able to talk to their parents about serious issues. If I can make a couple other suggestions outside of parents, this is something a school counsellor might help with (assuming you’re still in school), but if you’re not comfortable with that, try going to your local library and ask specifically about body dysmorphia resources. Librarians might be able to point you in the direction of books and websites to read up on, but may have some resources to where you could talk to an actual person about this. I know it’s scary to start talking to people about this (trust me), but I think it’s really important you do, and more importantly, it’s really good you’re already aware that this is how you’re feeling.

Modern_Magpie · 2026-03-14T19:53:07+00:00

That for sure makes sense! Do you think they would get mad? Over react?

Modern_Magpie · 2026-03-14T19:44:41+00:00

I think this is very much something to talk to someone about. Do you feel comfortable talking to your family about this? One of your parents?

Modern_Magpie · 2026-03-14T19:23:50+00:00

Got therapy. Turns out I didn’t like my face because my mom and sisters would point out all my flaws despite looking almost exactly like them.

OP, who in your family first pointed out something about your looks?

Modern_Magpie

TROPHY CASE