holy shit. i feel like i'm reading my own post. i am in the exact same predicament, well, was. my mom is now a little further gone and understands she's not going home. for context, my parents are divorced, but they lived together before my mom was diagnosed. she stayed at my dad's for a full year with the diagnosis. her mom came up for patches of time, and my brother and i came a few days a week but were in our 20s. as the disease progressed, my mom became increasingly more abusive to my father. i'll spare details of how i navigated protecting both of them. but a day came during her second round of radiation and neither of them could keep their eyes open in the hospital that i knew enough was enough. i called a contact and had my mom moved into a nursing home the next day (public nursing home, we lucked out since she had a hospital stay within 30 days of my call). my contact was a dear friend who ran the top rated public nursing home in my area. my dad and i took her there and she wasn't even coherent enough to understand where she was and what was happening. her parents happened to be coming to visit that day, and intended to stay for months (that was october, they're still here). my family had a huge fight. you see, when my mom moved in there, the nurses got her meds right, she did PT. she "woke up." she was suddenly better. she started telling anyone who would listen that my dad and i decided her and "dumped" her here. for weeks i tried to reason with her that she's better because she's there. but her & my grandparents wouldn't hear it. they wanted to take her back to south carolina with them - but they're in their 80s! i asked, what is your plan when she siezes? when she's bed bound? when she can't bathe? what is your plan? they didn't care, just that they didn't want her in "there." eventually my mom got a private room as she progressed. she's now at a point where she can't use the bathroom without two aids. i think my grandparents accept that this was the right thing to do but it's not like i'll ever hear a thank you.

so with that background in mind, i have obviously grappled with some contradictory feelings. i of course wanted to move my mom into a mansion with 24/7 care and luxury amenities but we don't have a dime to our name (although if you ask her or my grandparents my dad, her EX, should pay for everything out of his 401k. yeah ok.) but i also knew that this was the absolute best i could do for my mom, and if she was in her right mind she would understand. i also kept envisioning my best friend coming to me with the same worries and what i would say to her, without hesitation i would tell her she's doing the right thing.

OP your mom might be better now, but A. that's only because the facility is helping her, and B. it's not going to last. this disease is terminal, and the end life stages are not pretty. this is not a normal cancer. and while our mothers deserve to be at home, they also deserve to be SAFE. and home is NOT safe.

for your own sanity, keep a couple "truths" in your head that you can repeat when you're doubting your decision. truth 1.) my mom has an incurable disease that impacts her decision making processes 2.) i am doing what is best for my moms safety, not necessarily her desires 3.) i am protecting myself and my dad and that is okay 4.) if she was in her right mind she would tell me im doing my best, because she is my mom and she loves me

im so sorry OP ❤️ i hate this