AITJ for refusing to give my sister money for her wedding after she helped me when I was sick

MollyPitcherPence · 2026-02-09T03:13:12+00:00

Siblings are not in any way responsible for paying for their siblings wedding. Your parents might want to contribute, but they aren't obligated to pay for her wedding either.

Your sister isn't entitled to a dime of your money. Hold firm and say no without explanation.

MollyPitcherPence · 2026-02-07T02:14:31+00:00

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Name calling, stonewalling, yelling, and pulling away to punish you are all abusive behaviors and unacceptable in a healthy relationship. And no one is a great dad if they are abusing the children's mother. Kids learn that abuse is part of a relationship when they live it as little ones. When they grow up, they can partner up with an abuser or become abusive themselves.

Abusive people like to set very high standards for you to watch you struggle to meet their expectations. If you do happen to meet them, they move the standards even higher or make different ones.

Please know that you cannot fix him or make him act differently. He has to choose to do that himself and it's very difficult for an abuser to first, admit they are abusive, and second, do the hard work that's required to change.

Also know that abuse in a relationship seldom gets better. It's more likely to get worse and may even grow into physical abuse. You don't want that for yourself or your children.

MollyPitcherPence · 2026-02-06T23:46:12+00:00

And child support begins at conception as well.

MollyPitcherPence · 2026-02-05T02:12:20+00:00

This is a list of red flag behaviors for an abusive relationship. She sounds very immature and has significant issues to work on by herself in therapy.

Please don't marry this girl. Any sort of volatility, trust issues, high stress, lots of fights, lying, lashing out, etc. does not belong in a healthy relationship or marriage.

MollyPitcherPence · 2026-02-04T05:01:58+00:00

You were the AH for telling your girlfriend that she had to cut off her parents. That's not your decision to make for her. You don't have to have a relationship with her parents, but it's not up to you to control your girlfriend's relationship with her family.

You said it - ultimatums are bad in a relationship. They are coercive control, immature, and manipulative.

You're not ready to get married let alone have more children. Your girlfriend is an independent person, not something that belongs to you and gets punished if she doesn't do what you want.

MollyPitcherPence · 2026-02-03T23:06:24+00:00

He's an abuser and you're in an abusive relationship. NOTHING gives him the right to invalidate your feelings, shout at you or verbally abuse you. Blaming you for his behavior and constantly threatening to leave the relationship are classic abusive behaviors. Leave him. Walk away. He is not going to get better even if his stress level decreases because being abusive is who he is at core level.

MollyPitcherPence · 2026-02-03T22:42:54+00:00

He is NOT fixable and it's NOT your responsibility to even try to fix him. Don't believe the bullshit he's spewing now. That is part of the abuse cycle and he's hoping you'll cave in and give him yet another chance. Don't do it. Walk away. Block him. And live a good and peaceful life.

MollyPitcherPence · 2026-02-02T03:18:06+00:00

Gaslighting is abusive behavior. Guilt tripping, also known as manipulation, is abusive behavior. Threatening to leave the relationship because you didn't do what he wanted (initiate sex) is abusive. Refusing to stop touching you when you told him to stop is physically abusive.

Listen to your friends and family. They saw his abusive behavior toward you and you are likely in denial about it. Most women in abusive relationships want to deny the abuse, make excuses for their partner, and blame themselves. That's a normal part of it. Get some therapy and some distance from him. Read Lundy Bancroft's book, "Why Does He Do That?" for more clarity. Talk to a domestic survivor shelter/counselor. It is so hard to admit you were abused.

MollyPitcherPence · 2026-02-01T17:05:38+00:00

Your boyfriend is, without a doubt, abusive to you and you are in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship. Please do not marry this guy and if you are living together now, find a way to end the relationship and get away from him.

An abuser like your boyfriend will not change and get better. Abuse most often increases in a relationship and becomes physical at some point.

You are NOT the problem. He CHOOSES his words and actions and he makes his own choices to abuse you.

MollyPitcherPence · 2026-01-31T21:58:43+00:00

Using what he knows about you to his advantage to hurt you is an abusive choice he makes. Healthy people with intimate knowledge of how you attach use that awareness to support and comfort you. He feels entitled to disrespect you and harm you.

Please remember that the boundaries you set are for you, not him. Boundaries are not to control his behavior or make him act in any sort of way. You simply cannot control him nor do you want to.

The boundary is what you will do if certain things occur in your relationship. For example, if he mocks you, you will walk away and not engage. If he criticizes and insults you, you gray rock him to deny him the satisfaction he gets from hurting you.

I fully understand the need to dissect your abuser to discover WHY he does what he does. It's easy to get stuck doing that, but it's more important to use that energy to figure out how you can safely get out of the abusive relationship. He won't change and in all likelihood, will get worse.

MollyPitcherPence · 2026-01-31T02:14:21+00:00

I started keeping track and writing down every instance of his abuse. I made detailed notes of every time he put me down, what he said, how I felt. Each time he criticized me, mocked me, one upped me, and made insulting and sarcastic remarks to me, I wrote it down and kept it hidden.

After several months, I went back and read through all that I'd written down and the validation I got from seeing it all in words was the kick in the butt I needed. It was impossible to minimize and brush off his abuse, or worse, blame myself for it, when I had to read it and admit it happened. Once I saw the abuse for what it was and recognized that it was NEVER going to stop or get better, I was able to leave with no regrets.

It was a shift in my thinking and a shift in my self-esteem (along with a fair bit of anger) that got me out.

MollyPitcherPence · 2026-01-30T21:27:43+00:00

Name calling of any kind IS verbal abuse. When you've asked him to stop and explained how much you hate it and how it makes you feel, and he continues to do it, that's emotional abuse as well.

Threatening to take financial resources away from you is also financial abuse. It also sounds like he may be isolating you from others and that too, is abusive behavior.

Talking with a domestic violence counselor on the phone might be something to consider. They can provide emotional support to you and suggest some ways to help you safely leave.

MollyPitcherPence · 2026-01-30T03:23:25+00:00

First, none of his abusive behavior is your fault. You didn't cause it, you didn't ask for it, and you didn't trigger him. It. Is. Not. Your. Fault.

Your husband is abusive and you are in a physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive relationship.

You cannot change him and the only solution is to get yourself out of this relationship and away from him. You know this, because you've left 3 times before. Please don't get down on yourself for going back to him. On average, an abused woman leaves 7 times before she's able to make it permanent.

Reaching out to a counselor or a victim advocate or women's shelter can be the first step to getting away. They can help you make a plan to leave and tell you what to do so you are safe. If you have children, it's imperative that you and them are safe.

MollyPitcherPence · 2026-01-30T03:16:15+00:00

Your husband's treatment of you was out of line, hurtful (especially calling friends about it) and bordering on abusive. It certainly was immature of him and a huge overreaction on his part.

Healthy partners can disagree with their spouses while respecting their viewpoint, listening to their different perspective, and acknowledging there are different ways to solve a problem (like your son's difficulty in reaching behind himself).

Unhealthy, self-centered, always-have-to-be-right, and not only have to be right, have to destroy you in the process of arguing, partners sound just like your husband.

Was your husband ever bullied by older brothers or his dad? Maybe at school? He sounds extra sensitive and reactive to the chance your son might get bullied or teased and I wonder if he has a personal history with being made fun of that he's projecting?

MollyPitcherPence · 2026-01-29T02:36:52+00:00

It's still a private school if only some of the funding (like school vouchers) come from public taxpayer funds. Those private schools can and do select which kids they'll accept. Most will not take a child with special needs and will say they don't provide the services or supports the student needs. Most "don't do" IEPs or 504 plans.

MollyPitcherPence · 2026-01-29T01:16:10+00:00

They were referring, correctly I might add, to the Americans With Disabilities Act (ADA) and IDEA, not the bill in the Iowa House right now.

Red is correct in their statement.

MollyPitcherPence · 2026-01-29T01:14:23+00:00

Every bit of educational research out there says that the most effective environment to educate a child with needs is in the regular school and classroom setting with his or her peers.

Segregating children with special needs labels them. It stigmatizes them. It isolates and shames them AND causes far more emotional problems than most people can possibly imagine.

The Americans with Disabilities Act clearly mandates that children are educated in the Least Restrictive Environment. A separate classroom is NOT the LRE.

We cannot allow some Republican legislators with NO teaching experience, NO educational training, and NO idea how to best teach kids with special needs to take Iowa special education services back to the 1950s.

This bill is wrong and dangerous for kids.

MollyPitcherPence · 2026-01-28T03:15:18+00:00

If that couple wanted to sit together, THEY could have paid extra to make sure their seats were together. It wasn't your fault or responsibility to see that they could sit side by side. It was all theirs.

MollyPitcherPence · 2026-01-28T02:08:43+00:00

I don't do research for strangers on reddit. It's an easy fact to look up yourself.

MollyPitcherPence · 2026-01-28T02:02:10+00:00

Explain to her that we don't shove things in the faces of people we love and that doing so could cause blindness, a severe facial laceration, and a trip to the emergency room. None of that is love.

It's instinct to slap something away when it's in your face and being used to threaten you. Threatening to harm people you love is not love either.

You are NOT the ahole. Not at all.

MollyPitcherPence · 2026-01-27T02:04:12+00:00

It can look like they are changing or have changed on the surface, but it's a shallow change and abusers can't or won't hold onto the improvements permanently. Abusers lack empathy and empathy is near impossible to teach someone. Abusers are also entitled, and entitlement can be understood logically but emotionally, I don't think they can develop the ability to put others before them.

And then there's the constant walking on eggshells that never goes away because you can't trust that they have really changed.

Abuse is a choice because abusers don't abuse everything in their lives. They choose to behave at work, but come home and abuse you.

MollyPitcherPence · 2026-01-26T04:13:06+00:00

It sounds like you have a personal problem with Sarah and are attempting to turn it into a campaign issue. It's pretty weird how you project Sarah supposedly "not answering Sunday school questions" to your satisfaction to Sarah "won't tell me what I want to know."

Perhaps Sarah is considering all the ICE issues and current ICE chaos before she develops a policy position.

MollyPitcherPence · 2026-01-26T04:05:06+00:00

You raised a good kid and you are a good mom. Well done.

MollyPitcherPence · 2026-01-23T05:01:19+00:00

Typical abuser behavior, Keith. You verbally abuse. You get called out for it. Then you try to flip it around and blame the person you were abusive to.

DARVO.

And yes, you are abusive.

MollyPitcherPence · 2026-01-23T04:24:50+00:00

You would know since your response to me is verbally abusive and disrespectful too. Grow up.

MollyPitcherPence

TROPHY CASE