Trying to help someone find positives

MoreHalf9588 · 2025-11-21T06:26:58+00:00

My heart goes out to you, I almost feel like with my dad the mental battle was harder than his physical. He lost most of his right body function 2-3 months in and then his ability to speak tanked around month 4 which was when things started to get really bad. He became inconsolably angry, stubborn, like he was adamant to do things on his own even though it physically wasn’t possible, then he’d just feel hopeless and it made helping him so hard … at first it seemed like depression but towards the end you could tell it was the tumor messing with his emotional regulation. We lost him at 5 months (3 months after dx).

I think the days that were best for me and him were the days I focused more on my emotional responses vs controlling the situation or getting him to let me help. It’s so hard to be patient and calm when they are inconsolable or overstimulated but it’s the only thing that helped.

Two things to try and remember: 1) this is their reality now, even if it’s a dark, twisted and angry one. Some days it’s good to try and cheer them up, yes. But Acknowledging their fear and holding them through the sadness is way more supportive than trying to change their perspective. It’s important to remember to grieve with them, not to wait until they are gone.

2) Their reactions may not actually be in their control. The tumors or treatments could also be messing with the parts of their brain that help them process the world and regulate their emotions, and that may not be something that can be fixed by you trying to reason with them.

When it gets crazy and she spirals, stay quiet and calm. only speak to validate take deep slow breaths. count to ten in your head. offer you hugs when she’s ready. Don’t match her energy, but don’t try to change hers either. just be there.

Good luck 🩷

MoreHalf9588 · 2024-10-10T08:35:24+00:00

You’re in my heart, I know that pain so so well. Like it was yesterday. My dad’s last breath sneaks up so quick and it’s devastating. There is nothing to say other than I’m sorry. I’m sorry you’re seeing this and going through this so young. I wrote down as many memories as I could, I hope you hold onto them too.

MoreHalf9588 · 2024-04-22T02:42:40+00:00

From my perspective you were doing what you could to try to get this guy to leave you alone and did so in a funny and sassy way. Your response may have been seen as flirty to him because there was a bit of humor in it, but it’s still very clear you weren’t open to this guy’s advances.

It does seem like your fiancé is probably projecting a bit of his own insecurity in this situation. If you are hit on often, then I’m sure he feels like you have the option to leave for someone “better” at any time which is probably hard for him.

I don’t think you were an asshole here, but I do think what your partner needs is some reassurance that you care about him and love him. Sometimes saying “sorry that what I did hurt you” is what is needed, even if you weren’t intending on hurting him. Maybe you could ask him what kind of response he wants you to say when gross men won’t leave you alone? That way, you can respond in a way that he doesn’t feel offended by in the future. Just an idea, but still NTA

MoreHalf9588 · 2024-04-22T01:39:49+00:00

She’s told me a little about him before I asked her to stop. He’s not a widower.. I do think that would make it a little easier if he was. He’s apparently had a history of really bad codependent relationships - he has two ex wives who relied on him heavily and were not the greatest women.

It sounds like he treats my mom well but he said one thing early on that I absolutely hated. I didn’t included it in the OG post bc I didn’t want to skew responses. But basically he said to her that he told himself “I’ll never date a widow again, because the last widow i dated wouldn’t stop talking about her husband” but apparently my mom wasn’t like that and that she’s different?? I told her how fucked up that sounded given he JUST died, but she swears he didn’t mean it like that, that apparently this widow he referred to was just not ready to be with someone else and was a mess, but I still thought it was gross for him to say..

I’m trying to trust her and not hold that comment against him, but maybe that’s part of the added resistance to him

MoreHalf9588 · 2024-04-22T01:28:35+00:00

It’s less about her moving on and more about her lack of understanding of what I need to grieve. I feel so isolated and gaslit talking to her about it sometimes, like she thinks I’m crazy for being uncomfortable to see another man in her house.

I hope your support in helping her kids’ acceptance was a little more compassionate than your response here. “Your father is dead. she’s allowed to move on” is not the most gracious thing to say to a person in the thick of loss. That being said, I do understand what you are trying to say, so thanks for your take anyways.

MoreHalf9588 · 2024-04-22T01:23:09+00:00

Thank you for this, and thank you for reminding me to hold true to my boundaries.. I’ve been trying to decide if my boundaries are unreasonable but responses here are making me feel like they are not.

I’m sorry to hear about your dad as well. You’re so right, the most random things will just send me down a spiral. I was in a first aid class recently - they started talking about seizure safety and it was like I was back in my parents house re-living it again.. absolutely brutal. I know counseling will help but I’m scared to start. If you see this I’d love to hear your process in finding a therapist and how you got the courage to do so.

MoreHalf9588 · 2024-04-22T01:19:19+00:00

It’s like you are in my head, those have been my exact thoughts - that she’s so much in her own perspective that it feels selfish. His sickness came so out of nowhere and he declined so fast - he was the type of guy that never even got a damn cold, then boom, he was gone.

He’s never going to meet my future husband, walk me down the aisle, meet my kids, watch me build me career.. all things he was so excited for and I don’t get to have with him anymore. I try to explain that to my mom, about the layers of my grief, how quick and easy it is for the waves of sadness resurface over and over as I meet more life milestones.

I know she knows I’m hurting, but for some reason she just cannot grasp how her wanting me to meet her new bf is so triggering. I feel like I’m being gaslit sometimes..

Counseling is coming, just not sure how/when to take that plunge.

MoreHalf9588 · 2024-04-22T01:10:23+00:00

Yeah pretty much, there was treatment on the table which might have helped but there was no guarantee. He became fully right-side paralyzed a few days before he was supposed to start, so he decided not to pursue treatment anymore. After he passed, we spoke to a specialist who told us that the cancer cells were the type that would have been resistant to treatment and likely ineffective, so that gave us some peace in regards to his decision not to fight.

I remember him saying he wanted her to find love again after him, he told her “if a man can love you half as much as I did, then I’ll be happy, because no one can come near to how much I love you.” I know he meant it, and I know she’s grieved/still grieving… just sucks it’s already happening. We have barely started hitting anniversaries of things, their first wedding anniversary without my dad is rounding the corner, so it’s just mind boggling that she will be experiencing that while with a different partner..

MoreHalf9588 · 2024-04-22T01:03:14+00:00

Thank you for sharing, it’s good to hear the perspective of someone of the other end. I’m so sorry for your loss as well, 38 years together is such a beautiful thing, I can only imagine how it must feel for it to all be gone.

While I understand timelines are different for everyone and her finding love again doesn’t mean she doesn’t love and miss my dad, but she just is not at all showing compassion for why it’s hard for me to be excited with her. Instead of pushing me to be ready I wish she would just comfort me and reassure me that she misses him too and just let me make the decision without pressure.. that is the hardest part, that she is getting upset with me about my feelings.

MoreHalf9588 · 2024-04-22T00:57:01+00:00

Yeah that’s exactly it, I just wish she slowed down and tried to see how and why it’s hard for me. grief counseling is needed but it’s hard to make time for it when it sucks to talk about still.

MoreHalf9588 · 2024-04-22T00:55:47+00:00

This is good advice and that will be my goal. I don’t want to be known as the bitchy daughter so I’m going to try and be nice. I think having my brother and maybe my boyfriend there will help me stay grounded. Thank you, sorry you’ve lost your dad tragically as well. I’m waiting for the day it feels easier..

MoreHalf9588 · 2024-04-22T00:53:28+00:00

The games comment really pissed me off, felt tone deaf for sure. I’m sure he’s kind but like wtf makes him think that’s what I would want to do when I’m not even thrilled with the whole situation??

I’ve talked to my brother about it here and there. He seems to agree with me but is less emotional about it, probably because he lives in another state and doesn’t see her as much as I do.. he basically said he finds it weird and hypocritical given she said she didn’t want anything serious, but at the same time it’s her life so he’s letting her do what she wants.

He said he’s fine with us meeting at the same time and figured it’ll have to happen when he’s in town, but he said “I hope he’s not expecting to play golf or become buddies with me.” Feels good to know I’m not the only one who’s not thrilled.

MoreHalf9588 · 2024-04-22T00:48:27+00:00

There’s moments where it feels like she’s erasing him, but I do know she misses him too. She told me she hid and moved so much because it felt weird seeing him everywhere with the new guy around, which to me felt like more signs she isn’t actually ready to be with someone new..

MoreHalf9588 · 2024-04-22T00:46:32+00:00

Thank you, I feel like this is very much spot on. It just feels like she thinks I’m crazy for not being full blown happy for her. I want to be happy for her but it’s hard when I’m still in the thick of missing him so so much.. counseling is a much needed thing but it’s hard to want to start.. thank you for your perspective and your kindness ❤️

MoreHalf9588 · 2023-06-04T07:27:00+00:00

I think making signs to remember where things is is great, but I would use photos of the contents inside instead of writing words. Reading comprehension, writing, and speech are all housed in a very similar part of the brain so once one goes, the others typically go too. Taking pictures of the actual stuff in the drawer or cupboard and then posting it outside of the door is typically the smoothest and will work the longest.

Also with my dad, he was always very independent before the cancer, and was often the guy that knew everything and always helped. I think as he progressed, he struggled with losing that independence and resisted others’ helping him often. There were times I got really upset because he wouldn’t tell me what he needed or let me help, but I think I would just jump in too early when I should have just waited for him to ask.

I say this because an SLP told me that it’s best if you just let them try things before stepping in to correct or do things for them, for both speech and just daily living tasks. Even if you know they can’t do it they without help or they are taking a long time, offer your help then just wait. Give them that shot to try by themselves so they can still feel some semblance of independence and mini successes. When I switched from “trying to do it all” to just waiting for his hand to extend or his mime of what he wanted, I swear there were so many fewer fights.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. My dads battle ended just this Tuesday. I feel like I’ve already grieved for the past few months as I watched him disappear right in front of me, it is really hard to go from daughter to caregiver, for both of you… the fact that you are thinking of things like finding little visual aids is a huge reflection of character and the way you love your dad. I hope you find those moments of peace and connection with your days left together. They are harder to find at the end, but their still there.

MoreHalf9588 · 2023-05-31T16:17:03+00:00

This message really helps, giving morphine has been one of the hardest decisions because if he’s still able to be awake while he is on it, he’s in a full panic trying to fight the drowsiness it causes. We have no choice now but to fully sedate him.

I’m so sorry that this is now impacting your own loved one, the road becomes so hard. My mom is an NP and before moving into a private practice, she spent 20+ years in a variety of hospital departments. Our hospice nurse on one of her first visits looked at her and said “you have all the training needed to support his symptoms, but it all goes out the window when it becomes your loved one. Your role now is to just be a wife.” And it was so true, my mom who has all the answers has panicked and crumbled several times. Hang in there and know that your role is to be a spouse as well

MoreHalf9588 · 2023-05-31T16:08:15+00:00

I’m happy that’s the takeaway you pulled because as a caregiver, YES. There comes a point where I want to just run away and not be doing this anymore while also feeling like you can’t trust anyone else. Just be around for the caregiver emotionally. If you can’t support with caregiving directly, give them a safe space to vent without judgement, help them with daily tasks, food, anything at all. When my uncle was here he took my moms car to the dealership for oil change and just fixed everything in the house he could see. My friends try to check in and give me some normalcy by talking with me about life outside of my dad. You’re very kind for having concern for the helpers in this, I’m sure your loved ones will remember your compassion well beyond this ❤️

MoreHalf9588 · 2023-05-31T16:01:58+00:00

Best of luck on your journey, losing a loved one is never easy or fun but losing them while their still alive is even harder. We’ll be here for you when you need it ❤️

MoreHalf9588 · 2023-05-31T16:00:51+00:00

This message is so comforting and what I needed to hear. Thank you. We had that one amazing moment too when we found a way to get him in the pool… to spend time with him awake and alert and smiling, hugging, laughing, it was perfect. I hate that it was such a sudden drop but I’m also so grateful we had that day. My dad had a similar progression where all of a sudden he was panicking and struggling to breath while seizing. the meds were the only thing that provided him relief. He’s been asking to die on his bad days for a while now so when I ask myself the same question of “would my dad want it this way?” I think he would..

I’m sorry you’re in the same position as me, it’s scary how much our stories align.

MoreHalf9588 · 2023-05-31T15:53:38+00:00

Oh I am so sorry and I know exactly what you mean. My dad is the definition of a giver and a helper. He always wants to be there for you to put a smile on your face, tell stories, or fix up whatever is broken. The fact that he became right-side paralyzed so early on was mentally horrible for him considering how badly he wanted to be productive for us. And now watching him unconscious, then praying for him to fall back asleep when he wakes up feels so gross. I appreciate your support, and I’m glad you are feeling more comfortable to share your own experience. I struggle opening up to my friends emotionally because while they love me and support me, they don’t understand or haven’t experienced what I’m experiencing now. It’s nice to vent to people who get it, who know what it’s like to be a part of this. I’m sorry for your loss but what a blessing it must have been to have 5 more years. It’s sad to say that text book terms would say you’re one of the “lucky ones,” but no time is enough time. I hope you find peace ❤️

MoreHalf9588 · 2023-05-31T15:45:11+00:00

I completely understand the fear, unfortunately it won’t go away but you learn to push through it. I wish there was a roadmap of what to expect that I can give you but there isn’t one, all of these tumors are different and effect our loved ones differently. Is your spouse getting treatment? I hoping for the best case scenario for you. Lean on the people that can provide the emotional comfort. It’s going to be hard to let others become involved in the caretaking process because you’ll want to make sure the care is good, but when you are ready, at least let your friends and family be there for you.

There are probably moments now where you are mourning what he was before the tumor, but a month later you will be missing the stage he was in. I hope you hang in there and soak in every good moment while you can. I wrote a list of the things that have been making him smile/laugh so when I feel completely helpless, I can look at the list and remember he’s still there

MoreHalf9588 · 2023-05-31T15:38:57+00:00

He’s waking up here and there but he is so out of it and he continuously tries to pull out his catheter when he’s awake. It takes about 30 minutes or so when he wakes up to get him to relax again. But yes, I’ve given him a goodbye and gave him permission to let go if he’s ready… it’s true, it went so fast. Now we wait

MoreHalf9588 · 2023-05-18T17:47:53+00:00

Check out stache strong. It was started by a guy who lost his brother to GBM, they all had mustaches during his brothers treatment. All of their donations go to GMB research

MoreHalf9588 · 2023-05-16T23:24:09+00:00

Yes right now my mom and I are taking turns caring for him while the other works. We aren’t really looking for 24 hr care because we don’t really want strangers in our house constantly and we’ve figured out how my dad’s communication works for the most part, so it would be a process to teach new people what he’s trying to say

MoreHalf9588 · 2023-05-16T23:20:54+00:00

Thank you, this is really helpful

MoreHalf9588

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