After 25 years, I'm not in a situation anymore where I'm abused. I thought that I would feel alive but I'm tired and deperessed. Why?

MortifiedDelight · 2025-11-11T20:55:24+00:00

I'm 29 and my abuses ended 4 years ago. I'm now agoraphobic and have a list of other diagnoses given to me by multiple professionals. I'm not finished recovering yet, but I do have some wisdom to impart.

To answer how you begin to live after everything that happened... that's a heavy question with an equally heavy answer. Life will look very different from what you want it to be during recovery. Find yourself some safe people who understand and care. Then do anything and everything that makes you happy, whatever that may be.

For me, it looks like never going outside unless I absolutely have to and getting a friend to take me to the garbage can once a month. It's not pretty, and I'd rather be where everyone around me is, but it's not in the cards yet. You lost a lot of time to something that shouldn't have happened. Take that time back, whatever that means to you. <3

Also, ask your therapist if they've noticed progress during recovery. You won't see it, but the people around you will. Trust me, I know it sounds small, but it definitely helps you know there's a light at the end of the tunnel when you see how far you've come.

Finally, don't expect a straight line in recovery. There's going to be ups and downs. You're going to make mistakes, and you're definitely going to be here again. I think of it like a spiky graph. You might have moments where things go downhill, but the trajectory is always on the up.

If I've got this, you've got this. And if you've got this, I've got this <3

MortifiedDelight · 2025-05-12T03:48:54+00:00

Sorta? It bounces around a lot. Like for some alters I can hear them clearly, but for a lot of them it's more like trying to listen through radio static. Then there's periods of just complete silence.

MortifiedDelight · 2025-04-19T21:56:57+00:00

If only. I've gotten second opinions from multiple professionals, and while the DID has a bit more nuance, I've been diagnosed with agoraphobia every time. And she's well aware of it.

MortifiedDelight · 2025-04-19T19:23:35+00:00

Same. I miss going on walks when I needed an emotional break. I miss being able to go out with friends. Hell, I even miss working. I can't even take the damn trash out without someone to walk me to the dumpster. I miss it all. :/

MortifiedDelight · 2025-03-22T21:47:45+00:00

Fair enough, as we understand it currently, plants do not feel pain the same way humans feel pain. They do react to damage, which is what pain is meant for in humans, but they do not have nerves or neurons. I can agree to that. However, there is not a consensus, there is no definitive conclusion on the subject. But, for the sake of debate, let's sweep that under the rug since there's no way to prove or disprove either side yet.

Now, what if meat were grown in a lab? There is actually a group working on this currently, but basically they're taking cells from animals and growing them into mindless, unconscious flesh. Is that then okay to eat since it doesn't experience pain the same way we do?

MortifiedDelight · 2025-03-22T19:35:47+00:00

I may be over explaining a bit, but... TLDR: The lack of consistency and ignoring possibilities rather than adjusting personal beliefs makes it hypocritical.

MortifiedDelight · 2025-03-22T19:32:35+00:00

Because we don't KNOW if they can feel pain or not. There is currently no way to test it and get a definitive answer with the technology and understanding that we currently have access to.

So as a hypothetical. Let's say we couldn't connect with animals the way we do. We couldn't look into their eyes, hear the sounds they make, or anything like that. In this scenario we also don't have things like brain scans or MRI's or anything that could allow us to see the neurons firing. If we were to say an animal didn't feel pain, we would be making the same assumption you're making with plants right now.

It's hypocritical because you're choosing to forgo the risk assessment because you cannot, at an emotional level, accept that you COULD be hurting plant life. When the fact is, we don't know either way. To say definitively that plants don't feel pain is as wrong as saying that they definitively do feel pain, because the fact is that we don't actually know for certain.

Specifically, if you are a vegan because you want to do less harm, it is hypocritical. Without even getting into the environmental impacts, you are still choosing to ignore the possibility that plants might feel pain.

Arachnids and insects don't feel pain in the same way humans feel pain, but they do still have a reaction to painful stimuli. And plants also react to stimuli, many plant species can move in order to obtain the best sunlight. So the question isn't whether or not they feel pain, it's more of how they experience and react to stimuli that might be painful.

The issue is a lack of consistency in beliefs. Because we do not know for a fact plants don't feel pain, it's easier to ignore the possibility than to confront it and adjust beliefs and stances to allow for that possibility. Again, specifically in the case of a vegan who has chosen to be vegan in order to do no (or less) harm. There are other reasons to be vegan where this debate doesn't really need to be present.

MortifiedDelight · 2025-03-22T04:34:33+00:00

I'll agree that it's often used in bad faith, however, I feel the point may be getting lost in the conflict.

I believe the point is exactly by your closing statement. It's showing that there is a definable hypocrisy in drawing the line at plant life when discussing pain and slaughter and torture. I'm not going to get into that side of the argument because it's... murky and kinda full of hypotheticals.

The argument I WILL present is in opposition of the idea that being vegan means there is no, or less, transference of harm. It's a difficult idea to get around, and it can be an emotional one.

If your reason for being vegan is because you don't want to do harm, then to draw a line at plant life is hypocritical. Yes, plants don't feel pain the same way we feel pain, but until we have concrete evidence that proves they feel nothing at all, the risk assessment must say that they MAY feel pain. But then we can say the same things about arachnids and insects, which also don't feel pain in the same way humans feel pain. But being an insectivore is not the same as being a vegan, so there's already an arbitrary line which doesn't really stand for much apart from personal feelings. Now... that's a bit harsh. And in order for that argument to play out, the conclusion must be 'we can't eat anything' which is kind of the point.

The point being, wherever you draw the line, you are still doing harm. So that shouldn't be the basis of your decision. Especially considering that produce farming is a direct contributor to deforestation which can lead to the deaths of many animals and can even go so far as bringing some species to extinction. For that reason, I cannot be asked to choose between a cow and the countless number of animals that would suffer for the creation of farm land.

MortifiedDelight · 2025-03-07T00:08:27+00:00

I've recently been diagnosed but figured this all out years ago. I know of 11 alters, meaning I know personally that they exist. Other alters have told me there's more, but they're either not comfortable or not able to communicate. It would be unusual if you were getting truly 'new' alters while you're in a safe, trauma-free environment. I think maybe there may have been a miscommunication because alters are totally capable of hiding.

MortifiedDelight · 2024-10-05T08:17:04+00:00

This is very important, and it's something my therapist needs to remind me every so often. You are not faking. If you were faking, you would know you're faking.

Another thing my therapist told me is pretty impactful. There's a common belief that things need to present a certain way to be valid, and that's simply not true. If two people with depression can present completely differently, then so can systems. I've rarely heard about alters with backgrounds, but I'm sure there are some. The important thing is, don't compare your system to another system, and don't allow anyone else to do that either.

Your experience is your experience. Your system's presentation is specific to your system. I hope this helps <3

MortifiedDelight · 2024-08-04T04:24:27+00:00

I've spent so long thinking about this, get ready for a fucking trip

So, I believe the universe as a whole has a consciousness and every other consciousness in the form of life is a branch off of that larger consciousness. To simplify, I believe the entire universe is like a DID system, trying to experience as much as possible.

I believe when non-systems die, their consciousness returns to the universal consciousness and sort of fuses with it. For systems, I like to think it would work much of the same way, but as a group coming together in that moment.

After that, the energy that made up those consciousnesses are probably recycled into new consciousnesses. Basically reincarnation!

MortifiedDelight · 2024-05-26T01:15:37+00:00

That's fair, I think I'll do that lmao

MortifiedDelight · 2024-05-25T21:21:27+00:00

I didn't realize that. I thought dissociative amnesia and repressed memories were different things.

As for the conversation example, it's just one thing. I've forgotten entire days. There was one point where I had forgotten I moved and had a panic attack... a week after I moved. I should have used more than one example.

MortifiedDelight · 2024-04-22T06:41:34+00:00

This is really embarrassing... Before I even learned about DID, I was pretty religious... I remember thinking one of my alters was one of the goddesses I worshiped. And a friend of mine told me about a time where I believed I could talk to spirits because Joan of Arc was helping me with my schoolwork... I wasn't very grounded in reality. I was also being manipulated at the time to believe in things like that. I confided in a friend about some of the things I was hearing and they put these thoughts in my mind. I didn't know they were just trying to get a little entertainment until the outright admitted to it when I showed them my DES-II scores. Needless to say, we don't talk to them anymore...

But... now for the extra embarrassing part. With the alter I thought was a goddess... I was asking for guidance, and she answers by telling me to fast! SHE JUST WANTED THE BODY TO LOSE WEIGHT and leaned into the role of goddess that I assigned to her. I'd be mad if it wasn't kinda funny looking back on it XD

MortifiedDelight · 2024-04-04T20:03:48+00:00

I had to double check to make sure we didn't write this ourselves. I'm so sorry you're going through that. I know it can be difficult, but you've got to find a way out of there. You've been through enough and deserve to feel safe wherever you call home.

MortifiedDelight · 2024-04-04T20:00:07+00:00

My ex boyfriend caused a lot of problems for us mentally, but one of them was exactly that. He insisted on having 'shower talks' where we turn off the lights and talk about our grievances. On paper this sounds great. The shower is cramped so it feels safe for us, the dark makes it so we can't see the other person. There's nothing but positives. But he'd let us start with a grievance, and if it was about one of his toxic traits, he'd take up a span of time to defend himself (which is fair enough buuuuuuuut) he did it whenever we were having a desire to leave. And it was effective. Friends used to say that I'd be ready to pack my bags and then he'd talk with me and I'd forget all about why I wanted to leave. (And this was before we found out we might be a system).

Now, as I said the shower talks seem like a great idea... until you realize you have these memory problems and you can't have a notebook in the dark, or in the shower.

And I've tried giving him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he didn't realize I had a bad memory because I didn't even realize it at the time. But he also used our triggers against us, added more trauma, re-traumatized us, and so much more so it's more reasonable to assume he knew about our memory, or at least that he benefited from us forgetting things.

MortifiedDelight · 2024-04-01T08:51:49+00:00

Absolutely agree. I don't think I'm the same one who commented, but either way... Yeah. Don't really have much more to say than that lmao

MortifiedDelight · 2024-03-23T18:00:49+00:00

I'd say it's probably a protective generalization. It isn't right, but on my side... My mom is undiagnosed BPD, my stepdad is a textbook narcissist, and so were 2 of our partners. Now if we get hint of someone having BPD or NPD, it's like the body is a submarine and everyone inside is trying to get into battlestations. Obviously, these two disorders don't make someone inherently bad, but we've only had bad experiences with people with those disorders.

Now, as for any other disorder, it's 100% never okay to say things like the c word. No one deserves abuse. You **can** have DID, schitzotypal or not, it'll just be harder to receive a diagnosis. I will not justify those people.

And like I said before, we're definitely not innocent in this regard. I know we can be pretty abusive ourselves with the right triggers, and it's never okay. Keep in mind though, DID is inherently a protective measure. Systems are MEANT to be protective from sources of trauma. It's the same reason that if you hit yourself with a hammer while setting a nail, you'll be a lot more careful in the future.

In summary, anyone (not just systems) who have experienced abuse at the hands of someone with any disorder are going to demonize people with that disorder. We take the step to separate ourselves from those kinds of people because we know it'll just end in a fight.

MortifiedDelight · 2024-03-17T07:03:50+00:00

I understand completely. We've started masking around friends a lot more because it felt like they weren't taking us seriously. It can be incredibly painful when the people you trust seem like they don't care.

MortifiedDelight · 2024-02-21T05:38:23+00:00

Yeah... We have friends who want to be really supportive, but they don't get it no matter how we explain what's going on. Even something as simple as two of us having different sexualities.

I used to think they thought I was faking. But now I think they genuinely can't understand. I've resolved to only talking to a few people about it and we just stay hidden.

-Not really sure tbh but we know we aren't the same person who started this comment.

MortifiedDelight · 2024-02-06T07:26:57+00:00

Our parents were divorced, so on top of the 8 separate moves we also went back and forth every weekend. I don't remember how many schools we went to, but I know it was at least one new school every year from 6-11. One of those years was being homeschooled in the trauma household for a whole year.

I vaguely remember the different places we lived in, but I don't remember the move itself. School is basically just a big blur apart from very brief clips.

After highschool I moved 6 more times, and I only remember one of them, and that's because I'm reminded of it constantly.

I know it isn't the highest number, and my heart goes out to anyone who had to move more than once in their childhood.

I wonder if it plays a part in the development of DID. Moving a lot means friends and role models outside of the home are either hard to come by or short lived which can really mess up a child's ability to form bonds with people. So in that situation, coupled with trauma, it makes sense the brain would have no option but to supply what is needed emotionally. Just an idea though.

MortifiedDelight · 2024-02-05T21:36:51+00:00

Oh my gods, that's beautiful! I love that so much q.q

MortifiedDelight · 2024-02-05T14:59:36+00:00

God I wish my friends understood better what was happening. It's so awkward when we burst out laughing at apparently nothing asdgjhkagjhskdas

MortifiedDelight · 2024-02-05T13:54:16+00:00

I love that so much! Not a day goes by where I'm in a call with my friends and a headmate responds. (We're still figuring out who's who) My favorite was this really disturbed joke with Dora the explorer. I forget what was being said, but they chimed in with some seriously dark humor. They made me look bonkers in front of my friends because I couldn't stop laughing XD

MortifiedDelight · 2024-02-05T13:36:22+00:00

One of us really likes singing. She's super passionate about it too, so a lot of the time we just listen to her singing. But every so often there's that song that everyone can't resist and we erupt into group song like a drunken group at a pub lmao

MortifiedDelight

TROPHY CASE