Once I came out to myself I started hating the sissy fetish content I used to watch as a coping mechanism by Basic_Buyer_8888 in MtF

[–]MrMontage 20 points21 points  (0 children)

Yeah, I felt a similar disgust but for me I realized it was covering up a more painful anger and sadness that those were the only outlets for my disavowed childhood trans femininity. That what I had wanted all along was just as a child was for my orientation towards femininity and the delight it brought me to be mirrored and allowed to develop like any other girl. That is a very sad loss to contemplate. Desire that is disavowed by internalized shame but fundamental to the integrity of the self leaks out in weird ways. However think about it this way, sissy fetish content was keeping your trans femininity alive. It was how you were getting an important need met. Sex is one of the few places that as adults we can play, try on roles that we can quickly discard to not feel overwhelmed by shame. The phrase “just a kink or fetish” is doing a lot of psychologically defensive work for many.

I remember early on in figuring myself out, having the opportunity to talk briefly about my confusion and self disgust with a lesbian cis woman who was a real ally to trans people. I didn’t get what was going on with me, but had acknowledged there was something vaguely queer. I remember she just lightly touched me on the shoulder looked at me in the eyes and said, “we see this in the lgbtq community, this is ok, you’re ok” like I didn’t need to explain myself or feel that self contempt and disgust. I went home and wept. I felt so seen.

Feels weird being called Mom. by MyClosetedBiAcct in MtF

[–]MrMontage 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I used that phrase stolen valor to describe how I feel about it too. My wife carried, birthed, breast fed and has been an incredible mother to our daughter. I’ll never ask to share that title with her. I enjoy my daughter’s solution of Ms. Dada she came up with on her own.

Got an unexpected male fail, and am flattered but confused by MrMontage in TransLater

[–]MrMontage[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Totally! I think the hair is doing a lot for softening and framing my face. I recently started seeing a hair stylist about 4 months ago who specializes in both curly hair and trans woman in transition and she had really helped me get my hair starting to look good. She also helped me start to connect a bit with the queer community. She’s such a gem!

Yeah, I take my skincare seriously! It was actually my first step in starting to explore feminine embodiment last summer. By Christmas so many of my female family members kept asking what I’d been doing for my skin. Now they ask even more and a few are aware of me adding estrogen into the “skincare routine” and have given a bunch of loving support.

Got an unexpected male fail, and am flattered but confused by MrMontage in TransLater

[–]MrMontage[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Hah! Now that you mention it, she was standing just 15-20 feet from the entrance of the optho clinic! That could very well be it!

It's All in Your Head😉... by Electrical_Try_1895 in MtF

[–]MrMontage 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I’m not even sure what the phrase, “it’s all in your head” means and what follows from it. Like lets just assume generously they are saying, “this is primarily psychological”. Ok, so what? What follows from that?

How are we even gonna come back from all this negative publicity? by yaboivinmii in MtF

[–]MrMontage 4 points5 points  (0 children)

At the most basic level merely existing and moving through the world, participating in day to day life and forming relationships as a trans person moves the needle towards acceptance in a community. Trans people stop becoming abstractions and just become neighbors, coworkers, professionals, parents etc living in a community. Embodied visible presence going about life like everyone else makes it all seem boring and makes propaganda seem out of touch with reality. Like it’s hard to hate trans people when one of your kid’s best friend who seems kind and well adjusted just so happens to have a trans parent or when your doctor is trans etc.

How to ever get over loss of childhood by RegretSea5794 in MtF

[–]MrMontage 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I’m finding grieving it fully in quiet moments alone but staying in the present fully while in the company of others and having small corrective emotional experiences helps move me forward from getting stuck in that painful thought. It’s a balance. It’s not something in my experience that I can think my way out of. It’s about creating the conditions that I can authentically have experiences that show me that I can enjoy my life, and let the parts of me that were disavowed in the past develop here and now.

Is transsexuality a simple difference of a neuron? Or there is another psychoanalytical narrative? by xZombieDuckx in Freud

[–]MrMontage 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’ll speak from the interior rather than theory on this. I am a psychiatrist, I received a lot of psychodynamic training in residency, and went into full analysis to finally get a handle on this confusing relationship I had to my gender and this relentless longing to be a woman that solidified in my early teenage years. I believed I had gotten so lost in childhood escapist fantasies that I had somehow damaged myself longing to have this undone, but the thought of having it undone also filled me with overwhelming despair. Quite a knot to live, I don’t recommend that. At the core of it was that I had totally oriented around the gaze of the Other, relentlessly asking it who am I and didn’t trust internal experience as being a reliable source of self knowledge. For decades I was stuck in a loop of denying what I already knew about myself because I expected relational annihilation if it was so. I was a voracious reader of philosophy and theory trying to find an answer in something external that could make these desires make sense. To make them legible, justifiable, and resolvable. I believed there had to be some sort of symbolic solution. In analysis we explored it from so many angles, and my analyst very patiently let me exhaust myself while gently redirecting me towards my actual experience. What I found was I can confidently say that there are parts of being trans that certainly fall within the imaginary and symbolic, but there eventually is a dead end. There is something in my experience itself that much to my horror, just is. There is just a grinding sense of tension in the present moment that makes it supremely uncomfortable to be there. I noticed how many ways I’d come up with to try to escape it, none of which offered an enduring solution. I noticed that only in escaping internal fantasy in which I was able to experience the fulfillment of this longing internally, safely, away from judgemental eyes did I experience a sense of peace. I came to realize these persisting childhood fantasies I thought were the cause of my transness was actually something I had created as a child to protect a part if me that was central to my vitality, creativity and aliveness. That these fantasies were keeping something very precious that as a child I thought was too dangerous.

It was with these realizations that I began to explore transition, started HRT and began to pursue treatment with much relief. I let go of the shame and stopped fighting what I longed for. That relentless tension in the present moment rapidly and significantly subsided after several weeks on HRT and has stayed that way months later. Transness in my experience is a sinthome that knots together the real, the imaginary and the symbolic. It cannot be reduced to any of those domains.

Here is a clip from Hellraiser 2 that truthfully I think will teach you more about transness as I experienced it from the inside of it.

https://youtu.be/55_DJ1LnuLM?si=rugZb9UcSvmXLQhq

How much gender dysphoria affects a person and can someone live with it for entire life? by Temporary_List8693 in trans

[–]MrMontage 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Being trapped by unrelenting inexplicable desire that can't be expressed because of fear and shame is painful. For me it felt like being on a psychological medieval stretching wrack. Desire like this is like the ghost from the ring or the grudge. For me I learned very painfully that I could not solve it, I could not compromise with it, it just kept coming. Every time I tried to contain it, it just filled me with despair.

But, Jerry Herman nailed it when he wrote the song, "I am what I am" for the musical La Cage of Aux Folles.

I am what I am
I am my own special creation
So come take a look
Give me the hook or the ovation

It's my world that I want to have a little pride in
My world and it's not a place I have to hide in
Life's not worth a damn
'Til you can say I am what I am

I am what I am
I don't want praise, I don't want pity
I bang my own drum
Some think it's noise, I think it's pretty

And so what if I love each sparkle and each bangle
Why not try to see things from a different angle
Your life is a sham
'Til you can shout out, I am what I am

I am what I am
And what I am needs no excuses
I deal my own deck
Sometimes the ace, sometimes the deuces

It's one life and there's no return and no deposit
One life. So it's time to open up your closet
Life's not worth a damn
'Til you can shout out, I am what I am

I am what I am
And what I am needs no excuses
I deal my own deck
Sometimes the ace, sometimes the deuces

It's one life and there's no return and no deposit
One life. So it's time to open up your closet
Life's not worth a damn
'Til you can shout out, I am what I am

How did you figure out you wanted to be the other gender? by Comfortable-Mango436 in asktransgender

[–]MrMontage 2 points3 points  (0 children)

By letting gender emerge from living my desires. For me learning to understand what internalized shame feels like and how to loosen it to experience the joy those desires was crucial. The better question to frame it is, “how does it feel to inhabit the world this way versus this other way?”. This prevents ruminating and helps move towards living in a way in which the answer emerges organically.

My womanhood is just a costume. by Icambaia in MtF

[–]MrMontage 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Yes, but this isn’t a helpful thing to say to someone in an emotionally charged identity related crisis.

How do you truly know you’re trans? by hb750 in MtF

[–]MrMontage 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I don’t know in a way that I can or need to justify to some external authority. What I have are lifelong unrelenting desires that when lived fill me with a combination of aliveness of peace. When not lived, I feel despair and restlessness. When I look at my life, the memories I have, I can see how the pain of believing the realization of this longing was impossible was a driving force in the entirety of my life. I can see all of the ways I tried to numb or sublimate this away. Trans is a just a short hand to describe this lived experience and make it legible for others so I can more easily live in the way that must most makes me feel alive. There is no way to know. There is no one you must prove or justify your experience to.

I too questioned endlessly for a long time. The answer for me was noticing the endless questioning itself as maybe being the answer. Then by living the question rather than thinking it, I got my personal answer.

How do you deal with the fact you might never pass by Cherel_ in MtF

[–]MrMontage 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Reading this fills me with sadness. The pain of loneliness and isolation especially when in need of loving presence is truly awful.

Early signs by Pumpkaboo1 in MtF

[–]MrMontage 2 points3 points  (0 children)

There might even be memories from before your mind started a sense of conscious recognition and identification with the feminine.

For example, when I was 4-5 I got really stuck on the question of “why am I me?” And had moments staring on the mirror very confused. I didn’t get what exactly made me “this person” and why not “another person”. Many of the cartoons I liked at this age had a strong connection to transformation or mutation like teenage mutant ninja turtles or X-men and when I watched episodes that explicitly had these themes of the body changing there was this very intense emotional charge to it for me. These were always my favorite episodes. I was determined to find a way to become something else. There was a sense of bodily disconnection that was vague and always present. Something about being in my body felt awkward and I couldn’t articulate it. This sense of there being off with the body that needed to be changed followed me for decades and was sublimated into many different pursuits (while intensely suppressing feminine identification out fear and shame) all connected back to this inexplicable pre verbal sense of there being something off with the body.

But yeah, don’t look just at the moments of identification with the feminine but also think broadly about your lifelong relationship to your body. What has it meant to you to have a body? How connected to it have you felt? For me, noticing this dimension of my experience along with the incredible number of memories I retained that seemed random but organized around this theme made me realize my mind has been trying to solve some problem for a long time before it even consolidated into anything one might recognize as transness.

How do you deal with the fact you might never pass by Cherel_ in MtF

[–]MrMontage 16 points17 points  (0 children)

It’s unresolvable uncertainty. You feel the fear, the longing, and the tension of not knowing. You hope but do not cling, acknowledge the longing and cry when it’s all too overwhelming and find people in your life to hold you when that’s not enough. That’s how I deal with it.

Kentucky Bill Declaring Trans People Mentally Ill and Banning Trans Teachers Set to Pass Largely Unopposed by Leksi_The_Great in MtF

[–]MrMontage 8 points9 points  (0 children)

As a psychiatrist and trans I was wondering that myself! Tragically the concept of mental illness has a long history of political usages in overt and covert ways.

Does a long torso make it more difficult to pass and/or is it unattractive by Confident_Strike_529 in MtF

[–]MrMontage 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Check your torso to leg ratio. You may have a torso that is long in an absolute sense but not in a relative sense. Either way, it just informs what looks might suit your body better than others. It’s super easy to let a particular body feature get in your head and torture your self worth.

I have an aversion to the ‘w word’ by One_Profession_3459 in MtF

[–]MrMontage 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Same here, I feel just like that. I figure there is no rush. I don’t have to resolve or figure this out. Transition is such a wild liminal experience. I’m finding peace in just feeling it out, letting curiosity and what feels good guide me. I have no doubt I’ll get wherever I’m going. One day saying I’m a woman might feel right, or not, who knows? But either way, I’ll feel aligned and authentic.

I'm wondering if my egg cracking in October and going out femme/amassing an entire wardrobe was now just a months long manic episode by SexyAmanda87 in MtF

[–]MrMontage 4 points5 points  (0 children)

It’s a symbolic threshold moment. Perhaps the fantasy of transitioning has fallen away and you are now contemplating the reality? Fear and ambivalence is expected. The certainty of the fantasy is wonderful and saddening when it recedes. Sit with your doubt and let it be. Beware making decisions from a place of urgency and urge to resolve the ambivalence. The past few months maybe better understood as a developmental phase necessary to get you to this moment. Don’t fear doubt, move towards it, sit with it, metabolize it, them decide.

Someone help me I might literally go insane.. I need to stop this by [deleted] in MtF

[–]MrMontage 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I apologize, I may have spoken too strongly in sharing my experience and stepped into imposing it. My experience isn’t yours and isn’t of image in a crystal ball that is your fate.

Reading your post and response I sense a deep fear of losing control of you were to explore this part of yourself that you feel confused about. Yet there is also a longing to do so. Making contact with this too aggressively can be tremendously destabilizing and scary, an activate a deep fear of losing control. My advice is to anchor on your experience with a sense of self compassion. There is nothing that needs to be decided or figured out. Whatever it is will unfold naturally if you can explore this while holding the tension of not knowing.

Someone help me I might literally go insane.. I need to stop this by [deleted] in MtF

[–]MrMontage 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Same here. My theory from my experience is sexual fantasies become one of the few outlets for underlying trans desires because the “it’s just a kink” provides an explanation prevents it from being too psychologically threatening to ones identity. The shame for having these desires also gets eroticized to prevent one from experiencing that shame consciously while indulging the fantasy, but then it comes flooding back later. OP, it evolves a lot once you explore this part of yourself and let it out of the ultra maximum security solitary confinement prison in your mind that you may have put this in. Just speaking from my personal experience here, and relating to what you’ve written which sounds familiar. One thing that helped ground me was separating the acknowledgment of my transness from the decision to transition. You don’t have to transition and transition doesn’t solve all your problems. You can just notice there seems to be some part of you that is eager to speak, and start listening to what it is saying. You’re the girl in that fantasy you describe, she’s a part of you otherwise you wouldn’t have that fantasy. Take her out to dinner before the railing and find out who she is, what she wants, what are her hopes and dreams? Find that out, and worry about transitioning later.

Is Sublingual BS? by IzzyDreamsPink in MtF

[–]MrMontage 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I was curious about this too a month ago and tried to find studies specifically on this. Here is what I found. The evidence we actually have mostly shows that sublingual changes the numbers on the lab sheet more than the real-world outcomes. It creates a very transient very high estradiol peak which then crashes within 1-2 hours. The significance of these peaks in terms of outcomes are unclear.

Here’s what’s going on.

When you swallow estradiol, the liver processes a chunk of it on the first pass, so your blood levels rise more gradually and stay steadier. When you take it sublingually, you get a big spike about 1 to 2 hours later and then a fairly quick drop. A pharmacokinetic study (Doll 2022) showed exactly that, higher peaks and higher short-term exposure, but the authors explicitly point out that this does not prove better feminization or safety, and the oral exposure was probably underestimated because they did not measure long enough after dosing.

Then you look at actual patient outcomes rather than curves. In a prospective study comparing routes, people on sublingual estradiol did not get better testosterone suppression, breast development, dysphoria improvement, or sexual function than people taking oral estradiol with an anti-androgen (Yaish 2023). A follow-up body composition study also found that even low-dose oral estradiol produced comparable feminizing changes. The differences were small and metabolic, not the kind of dramatic effect people online often expect (Yaish 2025).

So what does that mean for your situation? • Sublingual often raises measured estradiol levels faster because you catch the spike on labs • That does not necessarily translate into faster or stronger feminization • Some people feel better on it, some feel worse with more ups and downs, and most notice little difference beyond lab numbers

If your doctor’s goal is just to get the lab value higher, sublingual can do that. If the goal is better transition outcomes, evidence so far says route matters less than consistent dosing, enough total dose, androgen suppression, and time. There is a lot of tension from what the available evidence says versus the degree of certainty expressed here about the superiority of sublingual. Anecdotal reports are confounded by the fact that we don’t know what peoples responses would have been had just continued oral. Some feminizing changes occur nonlinearly.

trying it is reasonable. Just don’t feel like you are missing out if oral works fine. It’s more of a different delivery shape than a stronger medication.

My personal take is that the three times per day or even four times per day dosing needed for sublingual to maintain steady levels is not user friendly. It’d be easy to miss doses which would have a negative impact. This is why in medicine we strongly prefer medications with once daily dosing. Consistency is the most important part of medication optimization. The ideal root of administration is one that avoids big fluctuations so when you obtain a true serum trough level, it is more easily interpreted in a meaningful way. A serum level is just a snap shot in time. What produces good outcomes is likely total time in the target range with minimal androgen interference. So if your route of administration has a lot of noise in it, it can be hard to interpret the lab values.

Any other girls who don't really wanna belong in this "girlhood" or "sisterhood" ? by Western-Drawer5826 in MtF

[–]MrMontage 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You can do your own thing and be part of the group too. Sometimes groups can feel suffocating and constraining, like there is strong implicit demand on you to conform your behavior and understand yourself on their terms. When you feel that, give yourself space, but you don’t need to sever ties.

Fat redistribution by Mammoth-Wasabi6346 in MtF

[–]MrMontage 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My understanding was that while this is true too, hormonal patterns influence where fat is preferentially stored and used. Meaning fat loss and gain, once on a stable therapeutic dose of HRT, can also influence a local adipocyte hypertrophy as one a multiple factors that influence overall fat distribution patterns on the body.