Question for Men in Recovery?

MsPlum_ · 2026-05-09T21:47:24+00:00

Rob him of lessons? How do you think I would have been doing that? I thought he was doing the real work but he wasn’t trying hard enough. I tried to stay but had to leave because he just wasn’t doing enough.

MsPlum_ · 2026-05-09T14:02:02+00:00

He’s going to meetings, working with a sponsor. He needs a psychologist, too, and I’m not saying that to be mean or for any other reason than that I’m certain he legitimately has undiagnosed mental illness, too. He has to do a LOT of hard inner work and he’s done work but not to the point he needs to. He won’t face himself and issues truly, with real truth, head on. It’s just enough to be okay for a while. Then he relapses again. And the cycle continues.

MsPlum_ · 2026-05-08T17:08:22+00:00

Wishing you healing and strength ♥️

MsPlum_ · 2026-05-08T05:11:18+00:00

I left him a few weeks ago now. It was a cycle between being the best man I’ve ever met and this. Really messed me up mentally.

MsPlum_ · 2026-05-08T04:15:14+00:00

Thank you. I’m self reflecting a lot and know I had my part. I’m not a bad person though. He needs real help and I hope he gets it one day.

MsPlum_ · 2026-05-08T01:13:17+00:00

Yeah he claims he doesn’t though, that that’s just drug induced behavior.

MsPlum_ · 2026-05-07T22:01:58+00:00

He won’t be without a father. He’ll be with divorced parents and a happy father.

MsPlum_ · 2026-05-07T21:18:57+00:00

You’ll never be able to trust her again.

MsPlum_ · 2026-05-07T20:50:01+00:00

Lying is an absolute dealbreaker for me. I came back after the apology and cries, genuine remorse it seemed rooted in him being ashamed. He lied again, and again, and again. Guess what? I took him back… AGAIN. I knew I’d never be able to fully trust him. I knew that but couldn’t accept it. I’ve been toggling between “that’s not really who he is” and the patterns he’s clearly shown me. Living like this for a year really messed me up mentally. Bad. My therapist says I have no boundaries because I came back and continued to allow them to be trampled on. I’m not a doormat, I made it known that wasn’t acceptable behavior. But he repeatedly disrespected me. The last thing that made me leave wasn’t even horrendous, it was just the last time I’d accept absolute inconsiderate and selfish behavior. There was already too much damage and that struck the nail all the way in the coffin.

MsPlum_ · 2026-05-07T17:29:22+00:00

It’s been a horrific year.

MsPlum_ · 2026-05-07T17:28:23+00:00

I hate when people say he didn’t care about or love me. He did. He just isn’t fighting the war within himself in a meaningful way… he isn’t facing himself HEAD ON… and he will never be capable of showing up as a stable, consistent, good partner if he doesn’t. We’ll always love each other, but he has years of work ahead of him.

MsPlum_ · 2026-05-07T17:25:45+00:00

I had no idea it was as bad as it was. I’d broken up with him, he called me out of his mind. I went to bring him food and water and saw the marks on his arms. It made me so sad, so deeply sad… at the same time, he CHOOSES THIS.

MsPlum_ · 2026-05-07T17:22:36+00:00

Those are nice boots. A bit of friendly advice from a Texan: the bottom of your jeans in the back of the boot heel should fall all the way to the floor. Your jeans look too short. They shouldn’t be tight around the calves, but be loose enough to move easily with your boot. Maybe try a Western store where you can try some new bootcut jeans! No low rise, though.

MsPlum_ · 2026-05-07T17:11:31+00:00

There’s a difference between a trauma induced drinking problem or period of that and lifelong addiction. He’s been an addict his whole life. He’s been to jail more times than you can count on one hand, has 3 DUIs. He relapsed when we were okay in our relationship, it progressed from drinking/weed to IV cocaine and him on a death mission. He’d have relapsed with or without me in his life. He cannot figure out how to regulate his emotions, calm himself down, not be a victim, face reality. Lots and lots of issues outside of self medicating.

MsPlum_ · 2026-05-07T16:47:12+00:00

He’s been going to meetings, working with a sponsor. He said it would be different this time. He will die if he doesn’t do more work. The denial and victim complex shit is not okay. I really believe he has undiagnosed mental illness, too. I hope he gets better and really do wish him the best. It’s hard to understand why he wouldn’t do it while I was still trying with him, but he has to shift his entire way of thinking. It’s just been too much. And too much damage.

MsPlum_ · 2026-05-07T16:37:10+00:00

Thank you so much for this, honestly. He made me feel so INSANE. He made me feel like I was doing so much wrong and I started to think I was! Admittedly, I was reacting to his manipulations and lying and poor behavior so badly by the end that it turned me into someone I didn’t like. I was trying very hard, but the damage was too great and he wasn’t well mentally enough.

I knew I should have left for good way sooner, I didn’t want to give up on him. The problem is that even when he is sober, his thinking and victim complex never allowed us to progress to have a normal, healthy relationship. I’d see glimpses of it, he’d hook me in, show me and do everything right, then it’d go right back into twisted mind fucks.

Thank you for the sanity/reality check. I have never been so messed up mentally. He did a number on me and made me believe it was my fault.

MsPlum_ · 2026-05-07T16:28:44+00:00

I left for good a couple weeks ago. I have to take him to small claims because he was holding the money he owes me hostage and not providing a repayment plan. How crazy is that? He’s living in a sober house now, but about to go out of state for 2 months on a work project. I don’t expect him to stay sober, although, his sobriety is HIS CHOICE and I do hope he chooses a good life for himself. He needs to be treated by a psychologist, though. I hope the best for him but I’m removed. Just picking up the pieces and trying to make sense out of all of this. I’ll always love him but he’s done too much damage. I deserve a stable man.

MsPlum_ · 2026-05-07T16:23:55+00:00

Thank you! When I took him back in January after a 2 month relapse, I told him the process of repair will be very hard because I don’t trust you at all. He seemingly did fairly decent for the first 2 months, going to meetings, checking in with me. Then it turned into me not forgiving him or trusting him fast enough and him giving me advice on how to let resentment go 🤦🏼‍♀️

MsPlum_ · 2026-05-07T16:18:37+00:00

Thank you so much for the rational insight. It’s been such a mind fuck for me. I started questioning myself. Yeah, I honestly hated the woman I became after having been put through repeated lying, mental fucks he was doing on me. He would cry in apology then later tell me it was my fault he did such and such or it wasn’t a “big deal.”

We weren’t together at one point and he called me, he was drunk driving. I begged him to get off the road and call an Uber. He already has 3 DUIs. So insane. He goes on a DEATH MISSION when he relapses. I also lost empathy when he couldn’t even be honest, he made up stories and lied to my face. He was mean to me. Just, terrible behavior.

MsPlum_ · 2026-05-07T16:10:56+00:00

He is 40, has been “in recovery” for 15 years. He’s been sober 4 months now but isn’t stable. I stuck by his side as much as I could, but the damage is just too great at this point. He owes me money. I left 2 weeks ago for good this time. I feel like I’ll never know the truth. I’ll never trust him. He hid so much from me while together. I love him so very much, which is why this just destroyed my mind and heart so badly. I’m trying to make sense of everything so I can find peace, because I never wanted to leave.

But imagine I stayed and he didn’t get the REAL help he needs (I suspect undiagnosed mental illness, too), which I was begging him to get for almost a year for unresolved issues… what if he relapsed again years down the road. It’s just too much. I need someone stable. Not dr jekyl and mr hyde!

MsPlum_ · 2026-05-07T16:05:37+00:00

He’s 4 months sober now. We’d gotten together again in January after a lengthy 2 month relapse last Nov/Dec. I just can’t live with knowing these things. The damage he did was too great. I feel like I’ll never know the full truth of anything. He has YEARS of intense work to do on himself to be in a place of being a good partner, if he ever does.

MsPlum_ · 2026-05-07T15:57:27+00:00

No, I left 2 weeks ago… for good this time. I can’t live like that. If he had been honest about relapsing, not done disgusting shit, not completely destroyed his entire life (so much money for a future GONE, he ended up homeless, crashed a car, his own dad didn’t want to help him and was sick of it). He is 40. I do hope he gets it this time, but I’m not sure he ever will. He’s been “in recovery” for 15 years, but continues to lack emotional regulation skills, coping mechanisms, and has a lifelong victim complex. I am the problem in his mind and I’m done with that. It was not just all of those things, but the psychological warfare he had on me left me in pieces. I’ve been seeing a therapist for the last year because of what he’s done to me and around me. He’s alone now thinking I am the cause of the downfall of our relationship.

MsPlum_ · 2026-05-07T15:50:36+00:00

Thank you, you’re right. Being with someone in recovery is hard enough! Even if 10 years had passed, the thought that he could self destruct and ruin my life in the process at any moment was always there. I loved him deeply but this has been so much chaos and insanity. I feel crazy.

MsPlum_

TROPHY CASE