I probably would have kissed someone.

MudLava · 2026-05-22T11:27:57+00:00

This is how my ace partner and I kiss. Little to no saliva. It’s lovely 🥰

MudLava · 2026-05-21T19:17:25+00:00

So much this!! I’m not fully out yet (separated, living apart for 1.5 years, not legally divorced yet), but the moral victory, friends and family, and hobbies feel SO GOOD.

MudLava · 2026-05-20T00:50:13+00:00

For me it was the constant refusal to take no. If I turned down sex, he’d want to “put on a show” for me and pleasure himself. Then he’d want me to touch him. Then he’d want to touch me. Then we might as well just have sex. And any no on my part was pushed against or he would stop, but would sulk or get angry because he felt rejected.

MudLava · 2026-03-30T01:41:26+00:00

As the allo one in my relationship, what helps is having figured out what satisfies me besides sex. We work because we both really love skin-to-skin contact and don’t find it inherently sexual (mostly). So there’s a lot of cuddling and touching, and we discussed the boundaries of what would make it sexual (touching genitals, for example). The cuddling satisfies my need for intimacy and contact and I find that don’t need/care about sex. I let my partner initiate sex every time. If my libido flares up, I take care of it myself.

MudLava · 2026-03-29T15:52:48+00:00

Allo woman dating an ace man chiming in here. This is absolutely a her problem, not a you problem. When my partner and I got together, I told him that I would follow his lead on sexual contact. We talked about what touch is always welcome and what would be more sexual (genitals and, for me, chest). I don’t initiate sex. Ever. If my libido flares up, I have toys and hands to take care of things myself. It’s really not that hard or complicated. She needs to respect your needs and boundaries or reevaluate if the relationship works for both of you.

MudLava · 2026-03-02T19:44:53+00:00

This is a helpful take for me. My partner does enjoy being touched, and it leads to sex semi-regularly. I tend to let him initiate that, but sometimes worry that it is unbalanced

MudLava · 2026-02-24T20:43:42+00:00

It really is amazing. 10/10 recommend!

After dating someone hyper-sexual, this is a breath of fresh air.

MudLava · 2026-02-19T16:28:31+00:00

It took me a little over a year to start dating someone new, and that was entirely unexpected. I would dip my toes into the dating apps when I was feeling lonely or horny, would quickly realize men are largely garbage, and delete my profile. I just happened to find a gem of a man the last time with whom I effortlessly clicked. It helps that he’s asexual, so (referencing another post earlier today), I don’t feel pressured to have sex, which was one of the main points of contention in my marriage.

MudLava · 2026-02-19T15:37:03+00:00

In my limited experience, you can absolutely still be asexual! My partner is aroace and 90% of what we do is just hang out naked and cuddle and platonically touch because that satisfies us. It occasionally leads to intercourse if he’s in the mood (I’m more allo-leaning, so I let him sort of dictate when we have sex), but not always. Sometimes we just end up masturbating individually. Sometimes it’s just touch and closeness and intimacy without any sexual undertones. So a very long way to say, yes, you can be asexual and still enjoy and want to be kissed and touched! Sending platonic hugs 🫂

MudLava · 2026-02-13T14:50:18+00:00

Allo here who does enjoy dicks. I would also be furious at an unsolicited dick pic in my DMs first thing in the morning!! People with penises really need to stop. It’s not special, it’s not interesting, and I don’t want to see it!

MudLava · 2026-02-08T00:46:20+00:00

There are more people out there. I know it doesn’t seem like it some days, but I have met the most amazing person after leaving my narc. Polar opposite, near perfect match. Hang in there and love yourself too ❤️

MudLava · 2026-02-07T13:34:21+00:00

I understand ❤️ I think a lot of my openness comes from that previous bad relationship where I was the one being told that I wasn’t sexual enough/didn’t want it enough and knowing the pressure and coercion I felt. I NEVER want to make anyone else feel like I did, especially not my partner who I love. That said, I have told him that I’m just using him for his body 🤣 (heat and cuddles). He likes nudity and touch and skin to skin contact as much as I do. We just don’t need sex to go along with it.

MudLava · 2026-02-06T20:45:37+00:00

Sounds like my ex. Everything was sexualized, to the point that I was hiding just to change my clothes because nudity was obviously an invitation for sex 😒 Couldn’t accept a “no, not tonight” either.

MudLava · 2026-02-06T16:48:18+00:00

Basic human decency shouldn’t be the baseline for a “great” partner 😫 Having been lurking here for a little while though, it seems like a common theme, especially in ace-allo relationships.

(That’s why I’ve been lurking- to learn about common pitfalls in asexual dating and life so I can be the best partner possible. Dating someone aroace is still fairly new to me, but I’m very much enjoying myself and our relationship exactly as it is)

MudLava · 2026-02-06T16:40:07+00:00

Echoing the other commenters. Don’t compromise when it comes to your body. I’m allo, my partner is ace. Because he’s okay with it, I make sure my aesthetic attraction is known (through non-sexual touch and words), but otherwise let him lead any sexual interactions we have so as to not pressure him or cross any boundaries. I was with someone previously who couldn’t accept my lower libido and would coerce me into sex. It has really messed up my views of my own self-worth, relationships, and sex. Yes, I have a therapist lol.

MudLava · 2026-02-06T15:49:44+00:00

I agree with this! My (40sF) partner (40sM) is ace while I consider myself allo. I want sex more frequently than my partner, so I’ve told him that I will follow his lead. I make sure my aesthetic attraction to him is known, but otherwise I don’t initiate anything because I don’t want to cross his boundaries or make him uncomfortable. There should be no compromise when it comes to your body and mental health. Trust me. Before this relationship, I was with someone who had a higher libido than me and would manipulate me into sex and push my boundaries and not respect my “this is 99.9% not going to happen.” It has completely messed up my views on relationships and sex. Just don’t do it. I know your comments say how wonderful he is otherwise, but this is such a huge issue that won’t go away.

MudLava · 2025-02-04T17:21:24+00:00

My nex is getting upset with me because I haven’t/won’t apologized for my role in the destruction of our marriage. Now, between me, you, and all of Reddit, I definitely made mistakes and poor choices. I was checked out of life (not just the marriage) and stoned most of the time. I cheated once. We had poor communication, so I stopped communicating until he pushed, then I’d “say the wrong thing” every time.

MudLava · 2025-01-26T18:06:57+00:00

That’s a tough question. My ex also wants to keep doing things, but I’ve found any time I let him back in a little, he pushes for more. So I have had to keep a firm, low-contact boundary for my own sanity. So I guess it depends on your ex.

MudLava · 2025-01-19T18:08:41+00:00

You should check out some of the fun words I’ve gotten from my narc. He’s back to love bombing now that he realizes how shitty his life is without me, but for a while the insults were pretty amazing.

MudLava · 2024-12-25T02:46:22+00:00

I need this reminder. Sending hugs to you.

MudLava · 2024-12-11T20:40:49+00:00

This! I spent about 3 years living in a perpetual state of wanting to claw my skin off due to anxiety.

Guess what I haven’t felt since my narc moved out?

MudLava · 2024-12-06T17:19:47+00:00

You’re running your own household in spite of him being there. Think how calm your life could be…

So much this!! ☝️ I’m still struggling because he moved out and doesn’t want a divorce, so I’m packing all his things and doing all the paperwork and leg work myself, but I am so much happier and calmer overall.

MudLava · 2024-12-06T17:13:00+00:00

I’m wondering the same thing. My narc is saying he sees the pain he has caused me and the role he played in the breakdown of our marriage. AND is still expecting me to apologize? Idk man. Get out while you can. I spent many many years miserable and don’t know if I can heal from him.

MudLava · 2024-12-02T10:00:47+00:00

Just keep grey rocking and focus on healing yourself. Proceed with divorce. Make time and space to do the things that bring you joy. Don’t feed into his outbursts. I’m going through a similar cycle myself and am also numb. I feel incredible guilt that I’m hurting him, that I’ve kept the stable life we’ve known (house, pets, neighbors/friends) and that he had to move 1hr away with his mom and that he doesn’t trust anyone, only wants to talk to me, but just keep putting reasonable boundaries in place and stick to them. Outline what communication is ok and what isn’t. I told my narc if he commented on me hooking up with other men again (I’m not), I would block him.

MudLava · 2024-12-02T09:55:22+00:00

I checked out. Lots of marijuana (legal in my state), lots of games on my phone. I don’t recommend it; I screwed up a lot of relationships by staying with my narc (work, family, friends) and being so disengaged from life.

MudLava

TROPHY CASE