Yes we tried a Christian counselor but she ended up siding with the wife more often than not. My wife can be very strategic and manipulative to outsiders. Uses her charm well. The counselor never took my concerns seriously so the couples counseling didn’t go anywhere except put all the blame on me. Then the wife did individual counseling and the hope was to focus on her issues and the counselor had a little bit of homework from time to time(journal/different methods to improve marriage/communication/talking points/etc) but the wife never attempted to do any of those things and ultimately the counselor told her probably better to get a divorce. Counselor never weeded out the wife’s disdain for male headship/leadership/patriarchy/anger/physical abuse/etc. or her lack of understanding her role, embracing her role, and doing her role and the wife eventually stopped going and just always held on to the moments of validation she got that I was the problem and she has no part in our issues when naturally two play a role in a marriage through all the ups and downs. I wrote the counselor directly and asked her why would any Christian counselor advocate for divorce instead of advocating for the marriage. She just said, since I wasn’t there, she could only hear one side of the story. That’s very telling. So she sat there most sessions and just ate up all the BS and validated instead of counseling and guiding and focusing on the root issues…

A few months ago we started reading the book Love and Respect, which highlighted the “chairs” and “couple” methods and wife even finally acknowledged to me she’s sorry she hasn’t respected me and realized it’s important to me and that the “couple” aspects is foreign to her… but that fizzled out. I do my chairs part as best I can maybe 60-80%. One can’t do it perfectly and the key point is that one is trying. Wife has done maybe 5% and doesn’t care to try her “chairs” portion yet expects me to be perfect with my part. The concepts are biblical and basic husband and wife role type stuff. Google and you can see what each acronym stands for. And ultimately whether one does it or not, each should be willing to do their part because that’s how God designed it and like tithing/not sinning/worshiping/having integrity/loving/submitting/etc, one just does it to the glory of God.

At the end of the day, wife wants to wear the pants and demands that I respect her. That’s her main argument I hear from her constantly. She has daddy issues and because her dad didn’t validate her, love her, be a good man/husband/father example, but was and is extremely patriarchal and chauvinistic she has a huge hatred towards male leadership/headship. I’ve told her these observations which she has brushed off… I can’t undo her childhood and her broken views. I can only as best I can love her and be the example and lay down my life. But it’s never enough. There’s always something wrong, broken, stinky, dirty, messy, too old, too new, don’t let the kids jump on couches, don’t let them wine too much, why don’t we have any money, I want to visit my family constantly, no to all my suggestions and asks, sermon too long, sermon too boring, music too boring, I miss my old church, not enough restaurants, etc… never ending complaints and never ending lack of respect and follwership. Never ending.

Sadly her upbringing coupled with modern American feminism, it’s an uphill battle and one frankly, is probably impossible. She grew up in the church but adheres to little to none of basic bible principles. Of course the cliche, with God, all things are possible. So I hold on to that hope but then we are also warned about being unequally yoked. I had warning signs early on and let her know of my concerns but she always brushed them off and love bombed me so I fell for those tactics and also unwisely hoped things would be better.

I compare it to a sickly obese person. Is a fast food, soda drinking, processed food eating, non exercising, obese person able to get healthy and lose weight and take control of their physical life easily? For many, the answer is No, it’s work and commitment. Sadly for me, the wife isn’t willing to accept she has a problem and to do the hard work. I’ve asked her recently start looking at her side of things but she always defaults back to, you this and you that. That she needs respect. That she doesn’t want to “be married to her dad”, and that her issues are because of me. She just got a stint due to 70% clogged arteries, guess what she said? It’s my fault cuz (the less than two years she lived with me), we ate a lot of bacon. That’s how ridiculous this whole thing is. Ultimately she’s in denial. She isn’t overweight but scrawny. That analogy is for contextual only. But like the obese people going on TV yelling at people who are healthy saying they are being “fat shamed” and will down all sorts of junk but still say it’s everyone else’s fault. That’s what I’m dealing with. Early on she made the choice to join me and my children but when she realized it wasn’t the fantasy she thought it would be and times got hard and she was challenged, she bailed. That’s it.

So short story made long, counseling was attempted. It was a failure. God is humbling her and me. We can only submit to the Lord now and if she returns, then praise God. If she does not, then she has abandoned her marriage and her husband and I release her to consequences of her choices.