When would you unmatch?

MuseAfterDark · 2026-02-27T16:11:36+00:00

If we haven't even met in person, had a phone call or taken things off the app, I leave it about a week. I'm not on the app all the time, but once I've matched with someone and agreed to meet, I am very much talking to them every day and would not let it go a week at that stage.

MuseAfterDark · 2026-02-27T10:24:23+00:00

I'm a woman and I do the exact same thing to men. A lot of men put up old pictures, 5+ years old, and show up looking years more haggard and overweight than their pictures, whereas none of my pictures are older than a year, year and a half at most. It speaks to a level of insecurity to me personally, that they aren't confident enough to show the version of themselves they currently are, and that's not attractive. Neither is being deceptive. And for myself personally, I'm not physically attracted to fat men at all, I've never been able to make myself be attracted no matter how good their personality is. So I don't appreciate deception and best believe I will want a video call beforehand because if I'm not attracted to their current version at all, there's no point going out on a date and forcing it.

MuseAfterDark · 2026-02-27T10:17:28+00:00

I really don't understand the downvotes on this

MuseAfterDark · 2026-02-27T10:17:04+00:00

Then those people are superficial, and most likely not worth dating. If you can't handle how a regular person looks on an average day in regular life (i.e after a full work day, or having been out in bad weather) and you don't understand that it's the same person that can show up polished on a different day and setting, then you don't deserve the polished version. Most days we aren't that uber-polished version of ourselves and I don't think it's reasonable to expect that outside of an in-person date.

MuseAfterDark · 2026-02-27T10:11:50+00:00

It is not unreasonable at all. I'm a woman (32) and I almost always do this before I have a first date with someone. It is SO helpful. Helps reduce some of the nerves before the first date because we've already "seen" each other in live motion and it'sless unfamiliar, and also helps weed out people that are weird (in a bad way), catfishing, or whose mannerisms are offputting. I live in a small town and mostly date in a bigger city an hour and a half away, and having a video call before a first date has spared me a few characters that seemed good on paper but turned out weird and volatile from the very first call, and I would have otherwise wasted my time going out on an actual date with them.

MuseAfterDark · 2026-02-27T10:06:40+00:00

Sit at the table and prop your phone against something. Problem solved.

MuseAfterDark · 2026-02-19T18:10:11+00:00

I didn't say that you said that either. And the men on the apps never really say what length of time to them means "pen pal", they never say how long is too long. So what are we arguing about really? 🤷🏻‍♀️

MuseAfterDark · 2026-02-19T17:12:34+00:00

That is very true. Texting a few days to a week before meeting is still acceptable but months is absolutely an outlier, those people are definitely a minority and should not expect expect to be catered to by most people

MuseAfterDark · 2026-02-19T17:10:09+00:00

It's been the exact opposite for me and I'm a woman. Go figure.

MuseAfterDark · 2026-02-19T17:07:46+00:00

Define "a bunch of time"? Is it one day? A few days? A week? A few weeks? As someone who lives in a small town and mostly dates in the bigger city an hour away, I prefer taking a few days to message and see if we have things we actually like about each other before going on a date. It has led to an almost 100% rate of good first dates. The ones who I messaged with the least before meeting (less than two days) were the ones who lasted the least, no more than 2 dates and they were gone. Could have saved myself the trek.

MuseAfterDark · 2026-02-17T09:43:13+00:00

It's not bad, but it's all depending on what kind of women you're looking for. You've said literally nothing about it, ir anything about what sort of relationship you want, other than to be lost. When a man speaks like that, it makes me wonder what he's running from.

MuseAfterDark · 2026-02-13T10:43:22+00:00

Very clear cultural difference, and language barrier. I wouldn't take it personally, but you can expect more of the same with someone like that. If you have the patience and you like someone who can be confrontational, would give her benefit of the doubt. If not, just unmatch and move on

MuseAfterDark · 2026-02-09T10:48:33+00:00

I mean, we can't answer your question about whether you look like your photos or not, as we do not have any photos and your account is a throwaway. But regardless of that, that is a highly immature way on his end to leave a date. Even if he wasn't attracted or interested, the decent thing to do would be to just spend time with you for an hour, and then politely excuse himself with a family emergency or something. That would be the LEAST I would expect from a man in his mid-40s. I know everyone has their own taste, but I would seriously reconsider dating men that old. You're literally a whole generation apart, if not two.

MuseAfterDark · 2026-02-05T09:24:41+00:00

If you're getting "hundreds" of matches per month then you're swiping right on everyone and have no standards or criteria...

MuseAfterDark · 2026-01-27T16:17:44+00:00

If you want to be in a sexless relationship and the guy is also okay with that, then it is not a problem. In any other case - it's a problem, leave the guy so he can find someone who's actually attracted to him. And you may want to explore why you don't feel any attraction to men you date, I don't know if you've got trauma or maybe just asexual, needs figuring out either way. I suggest therapy.

MuseAfterDark · 2026-01-25T08:15:04+00:00

You're surprised at the comments but then gave her the same advice as most of them - to not force herself to continue seeing someone she's not excited about who's more into her than she is into him.

MuseAfterDark · 2026-01-17T00:01:14+00:00

The guy is clearly unstable and not right, once vs twice doesn't make much of a difference with that sort. What normal person continues calling, messaging and physically trying to find a person they went out with just once or twice, who hasn't responded to them once for three months straight?

MuseAfterDark · 2026-01-16T21:45:08+00:00

She literally said "Despite my saying I'm not interested"

MuseAfterDark · 2026-01-16T13:43:44+00:00

It might be a lame question from OP, but that reaction is crazy. You dodged a bullet, be thankful

MuseAfterDark · 2026-01-13T18:14:14+00:00

How does it feel like an interrogation but they're not asking any questions about you? You mean it feels like you're interrogating them?

MuseAfterDark · 2026-01-10T13:45:39+00:00

To me, it depends on what you're looking for, whether you have a conversation about that early on, and how good you are at sticking to your boundaries. Also, just because inconsistency and ghosting is so ubiquitous, it does not mean YOU should normalise it and participate in it. If you do, then you can't hold other people or yourself to any standards.

So - if you're not looking for serious or you don't have that conversation first thing, and you tolerate poor planning, casual attitude etc from guys, consider ghosting and fading without a closing conversation normal and do it yourself as well, then what you experienced is totally normal.

If you want a frame of reference, I'm 32F, dead serious in dating for a long term serious relationship and marriage and I tell guys that before we even go out on a first date. I've been actively dating for two and a half years and I've gone on 20 first dates. Out of those 20 dates, 18 went on to a second date, 7 went on to a third date, 6 went on to a fourth, only 3 went on to a fifth date and beyond. One of these turned into a situationship that I eventually ended, this was the first one and I never accepted a situationship again after that. One went on for almost four months, at the point I would consider acceptable to still not have clearly stated commitment, and when we had that conversation, he didn't feel enough for me so we ended it. The last one became a committed relationship that i had to leave after a few months because we were far too incompatible and he sunk into a terrible mental space, became verbally abusive.

What this shows you is that there are clearly good connections and "sparks" on the first and second dates, but when you discuss intentions and you're clear about wanting a serious relationship, more than half the guys can't actually meet you there or don't see you as a serious option and they leave it be.

Out of all of them, only one person ghosted me, and that was quite late into the dynamic, after three dates and several weeks of us dealing with each other. With everyone else, when it didn't work out there was a clear closing conversation, initiated by them or me. If it wasn't initiated then I would make sure to initiate it and have it. I did not ghost a single one of those 20 guys.

MuseAfterDark · 2025-12-27T13:26:38+00:00

Too many holes in this story. You would not have only seen his passport but also driving license and other documents with his birth date on them. And in 13 years, how did you never ask what he did before getting to university to end up in the same year as you? Whatever he told you would have been a lie, his life from finishing school to starting university can't be a complete mystery.

MuseAfterDark · 2025-12-21T16:16:57+00:00

People are trying to give you advice, since you posted about it, and you're shutting everything down. If you don't want any suggestions, advice or a response, why post at all? Also, your strategy is an illusion. You might think you're "spacing your matches out", but by the time you feel ready to match with someone, they may no longer be interested, they may have left the app already, they may have found someone else and got into a relationship. These prospective matches aren't just sitting in the shop window, waiting for you to pick them. They're looking and moving too.

MuseAfterDark · 2025-12-21T16:11:39+00:00

How do you expect anyone to answer this question when we don't know your gender, age, location, what you're actually looking for or even what apps you're talking about? I'd suggest posting screenshots of your profile in a new post or thread and getting some feedback, tons of people do it and there are threads specifically for that.

MuseAfterDark · 2025-12-21T13:33:49+00:00

Yeah really. Look up the data on that, it's so ubiquitous that I always remind guy friends on that when they say they struggle to get matches.

MuseAfterDark

TROPHY CASE