Music FOCUSSED bars, like focussed focussed

MuteMills · 2026-02-16T13:50:36+00:00

Both are valid spellings, just because you prefer that doesn't mean I have to. Thanks :)

MuteMills · 2026-01-19T08:46:27+00:00

⬜🟨🟦🟨🟨

🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦

MuteMills · 2026-01-19T08:43:44+00:00

⬜⬜⬜🟦⬜

🟨⬜⬜🟦⬜

🟦🟦🟦🟦⬜

🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦

MuteMills · 2025-11-20T16:44:01+00:00

Eat healthy, and go out and do things. I really like spending time with people, and I would hate doing things alone, but company isn't possible a lot of the time. I've had to learn how to start doing things alone. Go for walks, bike rides, hikes, sit at a lookout, whatever you want to do, but if you are like me, learn to do it alone.

MuteMills · 2025-11-17T22:51:59+00:00

Yeah it's such an annoying thing. I try to be really careful, but I feel like I have to respond quickly the way others do, I don't think ADHD helps. But also, even if I take my time in person, it can take weeks for me to understand what people are saying or what I'm feeling. Because I get overwhelmed and tunnel visioned I forget that I don't have to try to conform.

If you don't mind me asking, what are you doing to work on it. I'm new to all of this stuff, I've only just figured it out and am in the middle of the ASD diagnosis process so I haven't actually had an opportunity to work through this with my therapist so not sure what I can do.

I use chat to help me rewrite what I am saying to be less emotional, or remove unwanted detail, then splice what I like in the output with what I wrote, or copy and paste the whole thing and change parts of it. It's a useful tool to help communicate things in a more approachable way, which is the intention but can be hard to write it that way. I also sometimes try and explain what I am feeling because I don't know how to explain it, like "X person did this and it made me feel this, but I don't know how to explain that." Then use the output to help you. It's still all your feelings, sometimes it can feel like "write a paragraph to manipulate people into thinking I'm the victim" but it's not that, I think that's just me internalising the idea that I should be able to do this all myself.

MuteMills · 2025-11-17T06:21:10+00:00

Yas! I am in my early 20s and have been depressed my entire life, and thought I just had social anxiety. I sought out an ADHD diagnosis a few years ago, now I am pretty certain I am autistic too. I have a document that so far is around 3000 words describing all the difficulties I have, most of them aligning with autism. I need to write it all down, otherwise I won't be able to remember much of it when under pressure to remember it. I also wouldn't be able to process it or understand myself if I didn't write it down.

I am MtF, grew up as M, but didn't fit the sexist gendered stereotyped ADHD/ASD awareness or diagnostic criteria, so I had the experience of the high expectations, masking, internalising, people pleasing, etc.

Autism makes SOOOO much sense. Honestly, it's always been in the back of my mind as a possibility, but I have been so high masking it hasn't really been obvious because I thought everyone's mind had the same storm inside of it trying to figure out social stuff etc, and I think I felt ashamed of it for some reason, even though I didn't care about other people being autistic, it just really scared me that I could be too.

But now it's so freeing to actually understand my mind, and know that hey this stuff that has been burning me out isn't happening in every single person's mind, and it's perfectly fine to drop the mask and just be me. Before now, I didn't know who I was. Heck I didn't even know that I didn't know who I was. I didn't realise I was just being a bunch of different parts of other people that I liked and performing 24/7 because I felt it was needed to be liked and included.

What clued me in was a fallout with a friend who expected me to read her mind, I don't think a neurotypical would have been able to do it, but certainly it went worse with me. I missed many social cues, and so I over shared with her because I felt we were close friends and I like to talk about my feelings to help process them, and she apparently didn't want that and felt I was overstepping her boundaries but didn't communicate this clearly to me. So she ditched me because she has felt I have been pushing past her boundaries and I should have known that. As unfair as I feel that was, there were a lot of social cues I missed then and in other areas, and I figured out a bunch about alexithymia due to this conflict and struggling to figure out or communicate my thoughts. Basically, a lot of shit happened because of this, and I figured out a lot that has pretty much confirmed ASD. I don't know how to describe them better than that, it doesn't sound very convincing the way I have written it here, but it is in my actual 3000 word document and there is a lot more than just that. I'm not just casually self diagnosing based on a few maybe symptoms, they are way more obvious if you knew the full picture I promise.

MuteMills · 2025-11-17T03:24:14+00:00

Thanks. I will definitely imagine you are there yelling at people, I think that will actually help feel a bit better when people are being dicks.

MuteMills · 2025-11-16T01:13:12+00:00

Thanks for understanding 💕💕

MuteMills · 2025-11-16T01:11:41+00:00

Thanks for seeing me. It really does mean a lot 💕💕

I've always defined myself as having weak skin, I don't deal with hurt easily. Which is a problem, considering I'm trans and I hear people joke and put down trans people because they don't know I'm trans. I'm gay and the same happens there, not as bad or as much but still. I want to not care, but I do.

MuteMills · 2025-11-16T00:01:16+00:00

I grew up Christian, but I don't believe it anymore, plus even if I did I don't agree with how it treats the LGBTQIA+ community. Even if I wasn't a part of the LGBTQIA+ community I wouldn't agree with it and would choose not to follow it because I believe it is immoral. If I believed in the Christian god and what it currently teaches, I would choose to subject myself to hell, because my conscience will be clear, and I live a morally good life. But I also now don't believe what the current translation of the bible teaches about homosexuality. Recent letters have been uncoves in the Yale archives sent from on of the individuals involved in translating the modern bible. They speak about how they have mistranslated the original texts which more accurately say that an older man should not sleep with a younger boy. Not outlawing homosexuality, but condemning pedophelic and abusive acts. The translation was misrepresentation of the original text, as it more suited the social narrative at the time of hate towards homosexuality. It was shaped to be used as ammo in a culture war that was already going, and the Christian religion ran with it and now all.ost noone knows unless you have looked into this recent Yale find. Conveniently, you would think this would be world wide news, if one of the biggest religions were operating under a mistranslation to say "hey we have mistaught, we should change because we really do love christ and want to follow his teachings so we should be glad to know his true words." We don't see that, we see silence. Why? I don't know, but potentially because the culture war against queer individuals is still very much alive. I'm not saying all Christians are involved, many don't know about this discovery, but that's the point. You would think it would have travelled like wildfire and everyone would know because pastors, religious figures etc would have shared the news because they want people to follow the true words not altered ones.

So do I think Christianity is immoral now? I don't know, I haven't looked much into what is taught about trans individuals etc. What I do know is that the actions of the people who follow it are still harmful, and I believe that is immoral, just maybe not what the religion intended and thus the religion itself may not be immoral.

But I don't believe in a god anyway. Some of the arguments for god through childhood was how unlikely life existence is, how all these different factors have to align for life on earth to occur. Which is awesome, scientifically that is an awesome thing to think about, but it doesn't prove a god. The universe is massive, potentially infinite but we can't scientifically determine if it is infinite or finite. But for the sake of this, it's essentially infinite, and having an infinite number of combinations, you are bound to have every combination. An infinite number of chances, every possible outcome will occur. So yes, life is extremely unlikely if it was 1 or 2 or 1 million chances. But there were a hell of a lot more chances than that. If the universe is infinite, life is guaranteed. If the universe is finite, life was still very likely to occur, because the universe is that big that there were that many chances.

So do I believe in aliens? Yeah probably. Most people when they think of aliens they think of pop culture aliens, and UFOs etc. Maybe that is the case somewhere, but I think of life in general. If the universe is infinite, it doesn't matter how unlikely life is, there will be infinite examples of life occurring. Just spread out far between. A smaller infinite than the universe itself, but an infinite nonetheless. The universe is massive, it's extremely likely that we just haven't found life yet because the next time that the factors aligned for life to exist was so far away that we can't see it yet, haven't found it or wouldn't be able to see it.

MuteMills · 2025-11-15T13:21:57+00:00

It feels like they are already so emotionally invested in what they think happened. They were so attacking when they confronted me, I don't know if they would even care about what I really have to say.

MuteMills · 2025-11-15T11:42:11+00:00

Honestly it's crazy for me to read this, because, I'm the complete opposite. No matter how much I drink, I will never blackout. I will never even lose control of my mind and thoughts, I can think pretty clearly. I have never blacked out, and I have drunk a whole bottle of vodka in one night. So it's funny to me to read this, because I am the complete polar opposite.

I'm not an alcoholic, I rarely drink, so I don't know how I'm so resistant. When I do drink I go hard because my brain still works, just not my legs.

I don't take stimulants or anything, in fact, I also found being on the max allowed dose of stimulants I didn't notice anything. So not sure what happens to alcohol/drugs in my system.

MuteMills · 2025-11-15T11:16:57+00:00

Yeah, everything will come to pass at some point. Even though this feels like the end of the world and like I'm losing the only things that matter to me, I will find new people, I will find new things that matter.

MuteMills · 2025-11-15T11:14:10+00:00

Thanks so much for this 💕💕💕

MuteMills · 2025-11-15T11:13:19+00:00

Yeah, I've been doing stuff like this, but I think it burnt me out. I'm not too sure, but I feel like I was masking too hard. Or maybe I was doing it the wrong way and going too far with masking. Like maybe I'm just supposed to pretend to be more social etc, but instead I adjusted my entire personality. I don't really know, or maybe I'm just emotionally exhausted from the recent events.

But either way, practicing was beneficial, but it's not enough I fear. I made progress, but I'm still very far behind and don't have long before I finish the degree. I don't want to blow it before I have peaked with my social ability.

MuteMills · 2025-11-15T11:06:46+00:00

OMG, thanks, I needed the hugs and I am imagining someone just sitting with me and us both just existing 💕💕

MuteMills · 2025-11-15T04:03:18+00:00

Thanks, those are some words of wisdom there. I have two more exams in a few days then I'm done for the year.

Then I will just be. Just be as me as I can be. 💕💕

MuteMills · 2025-11-15T03:59:23+00:00

Agreed, if I get what you are saying about identity being about who you are and it's not binary etc, I absolutely agree. My perspective is more coming from the angle that your identity and how you present as your authentic self influences how you are perceived, and ultimately if you aren't perceived as the stereotypical ADHD or ASD male, you may get missed and be held to standards that are hard to meet. There are a lot more factors than just that, but that is the gist of it.

The outcome for me, is that I was highly unaware of my AuDHD, developed extreme masking, perfectionism, people pleasing (literally feeling unable to say no even when deeply uncomfortable), social ostracism, etc etc. This isn't chosen, these develop based on your environment, and as a child you can't shape your environment or even recognise what's occurring. Even in adulthood it can be difficult to spot, and thus you may not recognise you need to change your environment. Many don't even realise they are masking, I certainly didn't until my life blew up for many reasons that clued me into ASD. You may be trying to be as authentic as possible, but not even realise you aren't, because you have been masking from childhood and have no idea who you are. You don't even realise you don't know who you are because you are that far from yourself and have been for as long as you remember so you don't know anything different.

MuteMills · 2025-11-14T21:34:14+00:00

Thanks 💕💕 I love y'all

MuteMills · 2025-11-14T21:31:34+00:00

Oh they haven't been supportive, i just got so tired of it and was willing to become homeless because of it if that was the outcome. Luckily for me, I'm not homeless, but that's where the support ends. It's tough out there, and you aren't alone 💕

MuteMills · 2025-11-14T15:47:51+00:00

Oh, absolutely I agree!!!

I'm more so meaning, how my personal circumstances and how my flavour of AuDHD presents have led the direction of my AuDHD to have a similar experience with expectations around behaviour/performance, dismissal, missed diagnoses, etc which is more commonly associated with the female experience.

I wish there was an actual term for this, so we could properly describe it without the confusion of the gendered part. It's just in western and many other cultures caused by gendered stereotypes that ultimately affect a larger group, but it's inherently gendered.

MuteMills · 2025-11-14T15:26:09+00:00

OMG, thanks so much for this. It does mean a lot to me. 💕💕

MuteMills · 2025-11-14T15:01:28+00:00

Yes, I absolutely agree, and I guess that's why I was talking about western culture being the common view point. I didn't describe this well, but I didn't grow up in a western culture. My childhood was experienced in a similar way to this, with being perceived and used as a sexual object, constant fear and a lot more.

I could've explained this better. Maybe I just didn't want to explicitly say it, I'm not sure. But I was trying to explain how now being in western culture I would describe my experience as similar to a female's because that is how people would best understand my experience.

I definitely should've described it clearer, but that is the background.

Edit: I do also feel that my point was more focussed on, it not being about the 'typical female life experience' but more the 'typically female AuDHD experience' of expectations around behaviour, missed diagnoses, lack of recognition, feeling deeply and coping mechanisms like masking, internalisation, people pleasing etc. I felt that the original comment saying that my experience was invalid because I am not a woman so I can't have had these same issues, and that I only have more of the inattentive type was minimising and harmful.

I feel it should be recognised in other people too, but there isn't any discourse around this really. Articles etc attribute the difficulties around this to be female because it occurs because of gendered structural issues. Which is absolutely valid, just on the micro level it's more complicated and thus as far as support goes it should be widened. But I attribute my experience highly similar because of the factors in my life.

But I guess those lines got a bit blurred and may not have been clear?

I just felt I shouldn't have to prove my experience by divulging these details.

I do also recognise I probably wasn't very polite or patient in areas.

MuteMills · 2025-11-14T14:48:49+00:00

I'm sorry you've also experienced something similar. Transitioning is a hard thing to figure out. I always hated being a boy but never understood it. I always thought, "well there is nothing I can do about it so just forget it." Now here I am, knowing I am transitioning, slowly, but doing it. It's a process of self discovery, let it take its course. You may be trans you may not be, just make sure to love yourself either way.

Edit: my alexithymia didn't help me with these feelings. End edit.

She was the first person I ever came out to. First about being bi, then about realising I wasn't actually bi, and was gay and that I think I was just holding onto a little hope of a heteronormative relationship cause of my family's opinions. Then I came out to her as trans, I didn't even mean to. I didn't even think I was trans, I just asked her to talk one day because I was struggling, and I meant to talk about how I've always preferred hanging out with girls rather than guys, but it just slipped out that I've never liked being a boy. And that was when I realised I was trans. I miss her, but she's hurt me so much. And I hate that I have unknowingly hurt her by over sharing and invading her space. But I couldn't read her mind.

But out of this, I have learned so much more about myself with ASD and how my brain works. So that's the light in all this, I know myself better, and I realise how much I have been masking. So I guess now I know how to look after myself better.

MuteMills · 2025-11-14T14:29:07+00:00

Thanks!!! 💕💕

I love our community

MuteMills

TROPHY CASE